Asking the Tough Questions

One month into this recent relationship, and things seem to be going fine.And I know I shouldn't rock the boat, but as we both continually talk about the importance of honesty and emotional intimacy in a relationship, I needed to put a difficult question on there.

You see, we were talking about dating, and relationships, and how a real relationship (one that continues to make both people happy) goes forward, and continues to be evaluated. People in the relationship need to question if this is what they really want, rather than entangle themselves in something that will cause unhappiness for both down the road.

And we have been talking this way - about the relationship as if it was a thing that was separate from us. The talk became, as Hamlet once stated, "Words, words,words." So I lay down a challenge. I stated my current feelings (that I feel more comfortable now than I ever had before with us.) Which others might say, why question; just go with it. But, no, I needed to know - did he feel the same way?

You see, this is very important to me. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. Not just feels,"yeah, this is nice; I guess it's okay." No, I want someone who feels "wow, this is an incredible woman, and I don't want to let her go." Because I know I am funny, smart, caring, and otherwise incredible. If I am with someone who doesn't see that, then I want to move on to someone who will.

And I think that this could be here, if he would just verbalize it (I think there is some - well, possibly a lot of - fear on his part, because of being hurt in the past.) But he knows me well enough to know that I speak my mind and accept the consequences.

I just wish those consequences (one way or the other) would come already (I should note that we have been communicating during the week by writing, so I am waiting for a response.) Perhaps waiting is a kind way to delay the inevitable other shoe dropping.Or maybe it will serve as a way to make receiving the positive response that much sweeter.

And,so, an update: he wrote. And...yeah :)

Hoping, and Working to be My Best

I have to write, because I don't know if I talk to my friend, how these words might come out, and how I might be affected by her response.I know I need to let go of all that and just let things happen, but it is not my comfortable place, so to speak. In other words, I really need to work to do that, and I am working, but it doesn't always happen.

So, here's the scoop: I have been talking to someone for the past two weeks who is closest to what I have been looking for in a relationship - ever. And I know if he is not feeling the same way, I need to find a way to let go (which I have done, and can do, but not without pain.) Well, maybe what I need to do is not just let go, but realize there will be pain if that happens, and accept that this is okay.

Why is this person so close to what I want? Well, beyond being open minded (meaning not so conservative) and caring, and kind, and not merely focused on sex, he has been patient in his approach. He has been carefully working with me to plant a seed of this possible relationship and work with me to nurture it and help it grow.

He had gone beyond the general "Hi, I am (so and so) I do this - who are you?" to asking specific questions that I know were helping him to decide if he wanted to pursue this any further (am I staying in the area? do I have a good relationship with my family? what is my idea of romance?) which I honestly answered and he approved.

And then, we have gotten to a state where we haven't met yet, and are starting to feel concern about each other (his concerns about my driving in bad weather, and the same from me for him, for example.) So, I know there is something that could be there, and I am working to make sure that I do not push myself too hard and try to take the lead (as I am wont to do, and, at least, am aware of it.) I will follow his lead, and see what he does, and accept what happens, happens.

But, I will still feel proud of myself for taking chances. Because I don't know how this will turn out, but if it does work out, and I finally get fully turned around in how I feel about love - well, then it will all be worth it.

Take the Message and Run for It!

I've been talking about what I learned from the last relationship (okay, some of my family would probably call it a hook up, but I think a relationship does not have to be long term, and can last an hour, a day, a week. etc., so I deem this a relationship.) What I learned is this:  I am much more comfortable now with my body and how I express myself in a more sexual manner, and that is not bad.

I'll admit that I refer to this as my "last" relationship (as opposed to my "last relationship" :) because I think - I hope - that it is over. Is that bad? The further I got away from it with all the busy stuff in my life, the more I realized this was not going to last long.

Often, I will refer to relationships that are based on, well, sex, as being like dessert. They are fun, but you can't survive on them. This was like a marshmallow peep. Lots of fun that was quickly burned off. I would feel really bad about myself if I was upset that this was over. It was just fluff; just fun. Nothing else.

Well, one thing else. It made me feel alive, made me feel like I am a wonderfully, beautiful person, no matter what size I am. I don't doubt that it instilled a bit more confidence in me that allowed me to talk to the men at the conference in a calm, secure way, because I did not feel less than. I was...I am...someone intelligent,. creative and talented. I don't need someone else to remind me of that anymore. I am frickin' incredible!

Lesson Review

We return to lessons in our life if we haven't learned them the first time. I feel I am back to a place I was at many years ago, before my second marriage. The lesson is to relax and learn. And I think, it is also not to judge.

Before my marriage, I met and dated a handful of men, but one stood out in particular. He was a little rougher than me; not someone I would expect to be with in the long term, but the short term was fine (which is exactly how it ended up; just a few short months). But I learned to relax and appreciate the body as it is and not what the media pushes as the ideal body type because of him. And I also learned to let go and accept that this was all the lesson was about.

Not each person I meet will be a potential long term partner, but the connection can still be important.I think I just need to be open to what I will learn, and then, what I can take with me.

Body Confidence

He might have been lying, but I have to say it is the first time in a long, long time that someone said he liked my body, and definitely made me aware of how much he enjoyed it. When I protested that I was too big, he was honest (not exactly saying I was thin) but noting the beauty of my size. I think that was something I needed just then.

I have to say that I was expecting something more, well, serious, but this was just fun. I am realizing a big part of my problem is looking for "the one" and not realizing that I can appreciate what each person brings.And while I don't think this will be the relationship I want in the long term, it was the relationship I needed last night. And, no, I don't know if it will continue, but that doesn't bother me.

What it did was make me more confident in myself and my abilities to continue on, and that as just enough.

Oh What Fun!

Okay, this is probably more enjoyable for me right now because I already have one person on my site who I already know who is interested in me (I need to devote a whole post or two to my recent reconnection with Mr. GQ) as well as several men in real life with whom I feel a connection.

Tonight, though, I have been dealing with scammers and trolls. And while generally I would not give them a second of my time, tonight I am playing with them,  This must be how a cat feels when it toys with its prey. It knows the prey is not going to survive, but, hey, why not play with it before watching it get demolished.

I know, I need to be careful, lest I become the prey. It is a bit of retribution, though, for one who has been hurt. I will go on, I know. And if I take a moment and follow the recent cues in my life, I could actually have my happy ending.

But I need to lash back every once in awhile.

Well Meaning Friends and Family

My son recognized the issue with this last relationship before I did. I don't remember how much I said about this man's brother, but since I told my son that the two of them were together the day after our last date, my son figured they talked. And I did get the sense from this person that his brother was somewhat controlling, so I am fairly certain that, as my son mentioned, the brother talked the guy I was with out of the relationship.

My best friend is constantly giving me conflicting advice. She tells me not to get involved with someone else, because she is concerned I will end up in another bad relationship, but at the same time, wonders why I am not with someone. Sorry - I can't be in both of these situations simultaneously!

I can say for my friend that she has no idea what is it like to date at my age. She has been married 25 years; she hasn't dated for at least 30 years (maybe more; I think she dated her husband for 8 years.) She tells me to stay away from dating sites, but does not realize there are not many ways to meet single men at this age (I avoid the bar scene like the plague; dating sites may not be perfect, but they are better than bars. Not by much, but at least slightly better.)

I wonder what advice my last date's brother gave him about me. If they talked about the fact that I wasn't exactly excited about guns, I am guessing he labeled me with one of those new, inflammatory labels reserved for people you don't know who have opinions you assume are different than your own. I am betting he told my guy he was better off without me and that there was someone better out there. And that might be true. I am not certain I would be happy in a relationship where the brother had the last word on everything.

Insecurity

I know when I get in these situations, I need to write and write in order to process it. I also think and think. I go over what happened so I can figure out why I feel hurt and how to approach the situation better (or, better, to see the signs and avoid it) if it happens again.

I now realize that I am hurting because I just started to trust. I started to feel that this is a nice guy who is not merely interested in sex; someone who seems interested in me and might actually stay around. He seemed so mellow and laid back, that I didn't see that this was a way of covering his insecurity.

From my own experience, I can say that I know how insecurity affects you and tells you to see things differently. I remember when I was younger, and I would fall for someone, only to find this one fault that would turn me off. It would be very minor; the way someone talked, the thinness of their hands. I remember losing one wonderful relationship because I bought into the concern that a friend had mentioned about the fact that the guy I was seeing was prematurely balding (in his 20's). What happens is this thing that I notice starts off small, but then it becomes a huge area of focused obsession until my thinking tells me that I need to get away from this person, now.

That was a while ago, and I have since grown and matured and realized that we are all imperfect, which is what makes us interesting. But I am thinking that there was some small thing about me that set this guy off. It may have been the fact that I drank a beer with my meal when he did not drink, or the fact that I mentioned that I could tell he smoked.

What I really think it might have been though,was a possible concern that I was a "snob." He had mentioned how the people in this area were snobs, and then I realized that I live in a nice apartment, filled with books and nice art, and I made comments about my teaching college. I didn't try to laud this over him, but if you are insecure (and you also rely on your brother's opinion about what to do with your life), then this can become an issue that starts small and then grows greater and greater in your mind.

So, lesson learned. I will look for the signs of insecurity in the future.

Where are All the Emotionally Healtthy Men At?

First I didn't write on my site for a while, because I had given up on men. Then I went back to dating, and didn't write because I thought I found someone who was actually emotionally healthy. And then, today, I found out he wasn't

He pursued me almost frantically for over a week. Even when we started to see each other, he wanted to see me more, and contacted me continuously. This wasn't over a long period of time, mind you. Just a few short weeks, but the pursuit was intense, and it came primarily from him.

We spent several hours together yesterday, just playing cards and talking, and flirting. I did kiss him, but in the context of situation (without giving away the focus of his conversation), that did not seem like a big deal. I think I even asked about things (us) and how this seems to be going forward, right? And without a beat, he said something to the effect of "of course."

Something, though, told me not to stop and introduce him to people in my apartment who were outside when we went walking, because a part of me sensed he would be like the others; he wouldn't stay around. I knew, too, not to mention something today to my best friend. I don't know why, but I just knew.

The message from him today, though, was still like a punch in the gut when I read it. I tried to draw on all that I have learned about emotional intelligence and make sure that if I made a choice to respond, it would come through my heart. But (or maybe because of this) I had to tell him, I was hurt, even though I knew enough to let go with grace. I had to put it out there.

So, I let go. And I decided to stop dating, because I was tired of getting hurt. And here's the deal, the takeway, what I learned from this. The biggest issue with dating sites is this. People fall in love with what they expect you to be from what they see in your picture and your profile. But when they meet the real flesh and blood person, the person who may not speak or look as perfectly as you expect them to, who might not be the ideal you have  built up in your head - well, then they bail. Does it matter? You were only a profile after all to them. You weren't actually a real person.

Sometimes Life Sucks;Sometimes it Doesn't

My niece wrote on Facebook that this was a horrible day. I considered writing the following to her:

Sometimes, life sucks. Yes, it sucks royally. Things don't go as planned. You had expected to have a picnic, but were met with a raging storm instead. People who you thought you could count on, disappear. Husbands leave with no more than a note on the pillow.

Sometimes it is a beautiful summer day, and you are waiting to go to the beach, as planned. Only your mother answers the phone and as you look at the patterns the sun is making on the carpet, you hear her say something about going to the hospital, and suddenly, you and your younger brother are spending weeks of time at the house of a friend of the family,while your parents deal with your sister's accident.

And sometimes you are watching the news and realize the person they are talking about, the person killed in a freak accident, was your partner in the school production of "Hello, Dolly."

And sometimes you get a call at work to let you know that your father passed away, and you need to make plans to go out west for his funeral, and yet still hold yourself together for your work day.

Yes, all this sometimes happens. But I also wanted to let her know that sometimes you are on your friend's porch, drinking wine and appreciating the warmth of the sun. And sometimes you are on the harbor of your city's yacht club, appreciating the jokes that one of your high school friends is making. And sometimes you are sitting at your sister's house, watching the grand nieces and nephews play and enjoying the conversation with family members. And sometimes those family members are appreciating the day, as their doctors have told them their days are numbered.

This is life It is,unfortunately, sometimes horrible, and it is, sometimes wonderful beyond belief. One can't appreciate the wonder without accepting the worst.

Fate, Revisited

I look down at my little,scruffy, rescue dog.  He is stretched across the length of more than half the couch. His head is resting against the pillow at the end; his feet tap against my legs as he reaches his REM level of sleep.

I think of where he was three months ago; in a rescue facility, sleeping in a dog run, possibly against the hard, cold slab of concrete. I ask him "Do you realize how much your life has changed? Do you appreciate the change?"

I wonder the same about men I meet. I am a very caring person, but don't like to be taken advantage of. When they are here, I try my best to take care of them, but wonder if they even appreciate the attention. Do they know or care?

I don't ask for a lot.Just someone who can appreciate me as much as I am willing to appreciate them. Is that possible? Or are they all too superficial and self-absorbed to appreciate the attention?

Trying to Trust my Gut

I knew, somewhere inside me I just knew that this guy (the one I described yesterday as an asshole) was, indeed an asshole. I discovered today that, although he made me feel special, made me feel as if he was interested in me alone, that he was, actually, seriously involved with someone else. How do you do this? I can't even fathom how one does this. And I want to comment, to say something back to him, but I won't touch that part inside me that is filled with pain and rage. And I won't give him the perverse pleasure of knowing that he has hurt me in this way.

Why am I so vested in him, I wonder? I have several wonderful mean, mostly younger than me, and attractive, who have expressed an interest in me (God only knows why.) I am not just talking just about men I have talked to online,because, let's face it, until you meet you don't know what you are getting! No, there have been men who I have met in person, too, who have pulled me aside at singles events, expressed an interest in being with me.

And, so, this is where I will focus my interest.Some years back I threw all my attention to one man who had no interest in me, while other, nicer men clambered over each other to gain my attention. I was an idiot; I ignored them and wasted my time on someone who would only cause me heartache.

I hope age has made me smarter. I am turning away from the pain, and turning towards the warmth of these individuals. Who knows? Perhaps I will finally discover happiness!

Be Open to the Possible Wonderful Surprise

I wanted to write and say "you asshole!" Not to the one who had politely let me know he met someone else. Not him. That was a shoe that I was waiting to drop for weeks. I knew there was no interest on his part, and he was just being polite.  And I have to say that waiting for him to say something taught me (or is teaching me) to be patient.

Well, I am trying to be patient, and I will admit that the last (somewhat) relationship came at a time when I needed a respite. And maybe I was pushing it when I started communicating with the next person. But (there's that word I am trying to avoid - but. Because I know everything after that word is bullshit.) But, but, but...damn. I really liked talking with that person. It wasn't for long, but I knew that this is what I want.

I knew that if this didn't last (and, now, it looks as if I am in that position, meaning that it is not lasting), that what we had in our way of communicating for those few short days was what I want in a long term relationship. Sort of like that piece of clothing they give to bloodhounds, this was waved in front of my nose -"here, look for this."

And I expected to not have to look, but to have it here, right here, in this person. Maybe it will happen, although it has been several days since he has been back in touch, and experience has taught me that he probably won't be back

So, yeah, he is the one I wanted to write"asshole"to. But in the interim, someone has contacted me.Someone I would not originally consider (he's moving here from elsewhere; I originally considered him a scammer.) But, but, but...being open and honest, I had to look at this in a different light, and wonder if, maybe,this was a lesson for me to be more open? I'm not saying that he is "the one" but..?

After all, isn't my favorite quote "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans?"

Stepping Into the Past

I have been going through old things, trying to figure out what to get rid of, and what to hang onto. In the middle of all this, I need to fill out paperwork for my ex's annulment (well, technically it is ours; I just want to get this thing over. ) I also need to find my baptism certificate (really?)

Well, I found a box that had been in storage for the past 2 years. It did not have my baptism certificate. It did have:

• A report card from grade school where it showed I got A's in science (that was me?) but C's in social science/geography (which makes since, since I now teach Humanities, right?)
• Pictures of my son from preschool to grade school
• Letters from friends from high school and college (some letters I am amazed I still have!)
• Cards that I saved from ex's (many of which will disappear in a bonfire at my friend's)
• Odds and ends such as some Girl Scout badges that never got sewed onto my sash, and cheap carnival jewelry that was meaningful when I was 14 or 15.

I also found my birth certificate, which will come in handy, since I have finally decided to get my passport (one year I will travel to all those countries on my bucket list!)

I hope I don't lose this box in one of my moves (although I hope to stay put until I find the townhouse or house of my dreams - whenever that may be.) I would like to pass it along to my son, so he can have some idea of our past, as well as my past, long before he was a part of my life.

And then, there's my future. Who knows what that will bring. I think I'm going to need a bigger box.

Summer Once Again

I was walking my dog, and the breeze was blowing, cutting out all the humidity. Just as the weather person had said it.would.

I was thinking about the town dance that I attended Saturday night. A year ago, I went to the same yearly dance event. I remember being nervous, not knowing anyone, and coming home, soaked with sweat, a huge smile on my face. Happy and exhausted after dancing the night away.

This year I was less nervous because I had put the event together. It was a great table of people, and we had fun and were silly, and I got them to dance the night away. And I walked home, not quite so soaked, but smiling just the same. And still happy and exhausted.

It's summer.  I am dancing and having fun and enjoying the warm weather while I can. Before the cold winds of winter come back. Before summer is just another memory.

True Colors

If there is one thing in life that I've learned,it's that people will show their true colors eventually. Someone can come off as this wonderful person,but, in time, they will be who they truly are.

That can be okay, if that is what you want. But if the true person that they are is different from who they present themselves to be; well, that can be a problem.. And for anyone looking for someone true and real  and honest - that's not a good thing.

I am looking for someone real and true and honest. Who are you - really and truly?

I Understand

I find the older I get, the more I can understand people and situations. For example, in my classes, my students will talk about their situations (financial, marriage, etc.) , and while I don't always bring up my own experiences, I can say that I know what they are going through. Life is not always easy. How you deal with it is most important.

When it comes to people, there is a lot that I understand as well. I seem to be extroverted, but I am actually an extroverted introvert. That means that I have to, sometimes, push myself to get out there. (It is also why I like teaching online!)

I will say that being this type of person helps me to understand that, on the other end of some relationships, the other person might just be have to push themselves to get out there, too. That's why I have learned to give space when needed. And, surprisingly, I am happy with this. I mean, why push it? Life is so much easier when you just allow it to flow!

Appreciating Life and Living

I just got back from a visit out west; my yearly visit that involves attending my work conference, but even more importantly, offers me a chance to spend time with my mother. I wasn't sure what to expect this year. Her husband had just died a few short months ago, and it would be my first time out there since his death.

The day before I arrived, they had held a memorial service for Chuck, and his son stayed on for a few days while I was there. I noticed an ease of manner that he had with my mother, as he tended to all the tasks that needed to be taken care of. I wished I could have done as well taking care of the house, but I was happy he was glad to take all of this on.

I noticed my mother was calmer, too, and we had a very good time spending time together. My mom recently started one little daily habit which made a big difference in our relationship; she would end each day by giving me a hug and telling me she loved me (and I would reciprocate.) I think it might have come about from the realization that life is short. Her husband died, my father had died 20 years before that, and now my mother, who just turned 90, was seriously considering her own mortality (and mine - I know she was relieved when I told her I made it to the conference in one piece.)

This appreciation for life has made an impression on me and made me realize that I don't want to be taken for granted and/or in a relationship where we don't hug and/or express appreciation for each other daily. Life is too short, after all. A hug and an "I love you" take only seconds a day;the effects of this expression of appreciation on one's life is immeasurable.

Changes

It seems that every time I feel a change in my life (as in growth in an area of my life), I find I need to leave something behind. This past week, I was celebrated at my conference for my creative discoveries in terms of novel ways of teaching. I gave a presentation on using the improvisational "Yes, and..." technique to open up new paths for communication between instructors and students. For the next two days, I had instructors come up to me and tell me how much they enjoyed the presentation, and how they plan to implement my ideas into their own teaching plans.

However, this plus in my life came with a minus. The person who I had been seeing had started to slowly back out of the relationship, and I had to be the one to actually step up and say "It's over, and it's okay." I have had to do this before - I don't know why it is so difficult. In fact, I admire someone who can at least write and let me know things aren't working out.

Ghosting (as I have mentioned earlier) is just such an immature way to end a relationship. I mean - let's be adults here. We don't like to have people disappear from our own lives (I heard a great deal about the person from this relationship complaining about a work partner not responding to his texts and calls; I would have thought he would understand how annoying this could be to other people.)

But change happens. I am interested in seeing what comes about from this change in my life!

I Don't Have All the Answers

Sometimes I post stuff here that I might not say out loud, because often when I am speaking, my brain is in edit mode. Apparently, that is not always the case here. I just unload what comes to mind at the moment, and the next moment, or hour, or day, that can change when I realize that I've been an ass.

I will admit sometimes what I post comes out after I have had an extra glass of wine, which is one of the (many) reasons that I have been cutting back. I don't want to be that person anymore, but it's a work in progress.

How do I feel right now? I don't know. But I don't think that's a bad thing.

Taken for Granted, and Not Really Surprised

I just spent the last two weeks trying to bring someone back from the brink of death. I have gotten him food, listened to him ramble, watched him go through the worst. And now I can tell he's feeling better.Why? Because he no longer feels the need to contact me.

When he needed something, his texts and calls were persistent. Saturday morning, when I could sleep in (the only day of the week when I could sleep in), I got a call in the early hours of the morning, and found out there were texts before that.Of course, he needed something.

And when I came over, he said he would repay me (not with money, but would repay me some way.) I guess ignoring me now that he's better is what he meant. I'm not too concerned; there are others interested and I think I may check them out. It might be nice to be with someone who won't take me for granted.

Rescue Dogs are the Best!

One of the things I liked in my last relationship (and I refer to it right now as last relationship, because, right, now, the only time he calls is when he needs me to get something for him - not what I would call the basis for an actual relationship.) But anyway, I liked when we slept next to each other. It was something I missed, and I guess I can say it was nice while it lasted.

But now, the new dog in my life (at all of 10 lbs, much smaller than the other men in my life!) sleeps pushed completely against me. It has taken some getting used to, as my last dog was afraid to sleep on the bed, and even back in his younger days, when he slept on the couch, it wasn't pushed up against me. But this little one sleeps as if he is an appendage.

For example, right now, he is pressed against my leg, sleeping and going through REM. The paws were tapping against my thighs a moment ago, as he chased something that eluded him in his dreams. At night, he sleeps pushed against the small of my back when I sleep on one side, and against my stomach when I sleep on the other side.

I talked to a neighbor who has several small dogs, and when we talked about them sleeping with us, she said "isn't that the greatest feeling?" Yes, I guess it does make me feel like part of the pack. But I am used to larger beings next to me. I guess this is something I will need to get used to.

What I Want

I am wondering if I put this out to the universe, maybe I will finally get what I want in a relationship, because I think I deserve that.

• I want to be in a relationship where I don't have to pay all (or most) of the bills, but I also get a say in how the money I contribute is being spent.
• I want a relationship where I don't have to take care of someone all the time; maybe, sometimes, they can take care of me.
• I want a relationship that doesn't depend on my running errands for the other person or helping him to fix his car.
• I want a relationship that is emotionally healthy, where we can have normal conversations.
• I want a relationship where I am loved for who I am, not for being the one to hang around the longest.
• I want a relationship that is not mired in dysfunction.

I know this all starts with what I will and won't put up with, and believe me, I am starting to work on me first so that I will get what I want.

Swim to Safety

I think I may noted this already, but I think it is the sort of thing that could bear repeating. When I was younger, I took Red Cross swimming classes to be a swim instructor. The first thing they taught us was if we were going to save someone, we should not go in after them, except as a last resort. We should throw whatever we could out to them (a rope, the end of the towel, a life saver ring,etc.) When we are tested, if we go in after the person pretending to drown, we fail. That is because, in real life, if we do that, the drowning person would climb up as and drown us. And we would fail at saving, and at staying alive.

Where I feel I am right now, is fully understanding this. I am closer to the shore; he is going out to the deep water. Between us is a rip tide that would pull me under and drown me if I swim across. Behind him is a ship with a professional who can save him; he only needs to swim a shot distance more to get there. I can't save him, but I can keep directing him to this professional, and hope he will put in that extra effort to save himself.

It is how we save ourselves and save others. We can't do all the work, or else it will pull us under. But we can direct someone to help. Whether or not they listen is their choice. We can only do what we can do.

My Denial

I have a bad habit of taking on more than I can handle, and as well as taking in hard luck cases. One case in point is my dog. I adopted him several weeks ago, in spite of warnings from my friends and even the rescue place who said he was "snappy." I wasn't in full denial about this, but I don't think I went into this fully aware of the amount of work it will require to get him to be more comfortable around others and less protective of me. I have seen him settle a bit, but progress is slow. However, I won't give up.

As for relationships, my friends also say I bring home the stray "puppies" and refuse to look at all the issues that can crop up and, eventually, wear me down until it almost too late. It took me almost 2 years to extricate myself from the last hard luck case.

This time, I don't think it will take as long, as he is obviously as stubborn as I am, and after a very difficult week, we finally hit a point of realization that this wasn't working. There was a part of me that knew this earlier, but didn't want to do anything, partly out of my stubborn denial, and partly out of the fear that my leaving might cause his health issues, which had suddenly gotten bad, to get worse. Perhaps I mistook myself for God in thinking this way, as if I could actually control such things.

What I do know is this: although it was a bit of an argument that set things in motion, I'm not mad, or sad, or dying inside, the way I have been in some relationships. Actually, I did feel worse last week when things were just starting to go bad and he was more cognizant of the potential issues. Back then he even said to me he was behaving poorly and I should leave, but the pain I felt came from not listening.

Now I'm listening, and no longer in denial - I hope.

The Things That Pass for Knowledge I Can't Understand

If there is anything that really burns me up is having someone shut me down when I am trying to state my feelings and/or my opinion.To the emotionally healthy person, this would make sense. This person would understand that in this situation, I am not being validated. I am made to feel lesser than.

In these situations, however, the message comes through loud and clear to me: "You can't possibly understand." Under that is the sense that I am a women, therefore I am not supposed to have an intelligent thought or opinion. I am, I suppose, allowed to think about things like what I am going to make for dinner for my man, or, maybe even shoes, because that's all we womenfolk think of, right?

All these years of college, all the reading and researching I do on a daily basis, but I am not supposed to be able to think? I am not capable of intelligent thought? I don't understand this, and it is probably why I often feel as if there is something wrong with me.

But this feeling doesn't last for long. I know there are some who respect me and my opinion. I just need to not forget or neglect them.

Spring, or We've Had Too Damn Much Winter!

This is the park near my house. Only a little over a month ago, it was covered with snow and ice. The lake was frozen, and the bushes and trees were bare branches, rattling in the cold winter wind. But now, everything is coming back to life.

Ah, spring, we have needed you. I have needed you! It felt as if this winter would go on forever, and it just took so much from me, and from others around me. But, in return, it gave me more than I had expected. 

Seasons change, life changes, and although I always know spring will return after the harsh winter, I sometimes forget about all the beauty and surprises this season can bring.

Comfort and Communication

I am going into my 4th week in this new relationship. This is almost a new record for me (not that I have never been in long term relationships; this record is new because of how often I/we have not gotten past the second date, which, for those relationships, seemed the right amount of time.)

Some time back, I stopped being less concerned about whether or not things continued and more concerned about what I learned from the situation. Because, the truth is, we can easily blame it on the other person, but if we don't look at what we might have done wrong or could have done differently, then we never learn.

I realized this weekend that I am more comfortable right now than I have honestly been in a long time. I realized that Saturday when our plans for the evening fell through, and yet I was content to turn on some music and read. I had gotten to this point by taking a chance the night before and communicating my feelings.

It was a chance,and I knew it could have ended differently. He could have disagreed, and that would have been acceptable. What was most important, I think, was that I noted I don't have specific expectations. This is going to go where it goes, and no amount of control on my part or his can change that. So instead of worry about what might happen, I am focusing on what is, right here and now.

And, right here and now, I am comfortable.

Why They Ghost

I learned a new dating term: ghosting. It means disappearing from a relationship. I had that happen to me this winter; in fact, I now refer to the person as "Mr.Ghoster."

It was difficult for me to understand why this happened. I mean, I know I did the same thing when I was in my teens, but since have learned to at least talk to someone and tell them why it isn't working out. Ghosting, to me, seemed immature.

But this article, The Intimacy Bait and Switch, made sense for me. In these situations, the person seemed very interested in me, and we did share a great amount of information right off the bat (I mean in the first few dates, which is unlike the relationship I am currently in where information is shared at a nice, steady pace.) And, like this article noted, when the other person started disappearing, I did feel as if they thought I was needy suddenly, although it was never specifically mentioned (it's hard to actually hear ghosts speak.)

So, this was a learning lesson for me. And while I honestly don't bear any bad feelings for the person, I am thankful for this lesson. Knowing what was happening gives me some closure, and it makes me feel as if I am growing as I move on.

How Things Grow

It's spring, and the grass is finally coming up. Daffodils are starting to bloom in the park near me, and when I look up into the trees, I can see the buds opening up in preparation for the leaves that will, soon enough, be spreading out across the branches as summer approaches.

It is a slow process while it is happening; it is nearly impossible to see the changes from one day to the next. But over time, the changes are huge; the grass goes from brown, to green, to long and green and ready for the lawnmower; the ground goes from frozen, to muddy, to open and earthy, green shoots sprouting up, and growing towards the sun.

And so it is with me. I am beginning to feel more open right now, and realize that this has been happening for a while, but I am suddenly aware of where I was and where I am. There is a change, a warming trend within me, and a great deal of emotional growth. I am open, and accepting, and welcoming of this change. I am aware.

Life Affirming Season

It is so nice today. It's hard to believe the whole area here was covered in snow just a few short weeks ago. The frigid temps of February (along with the ice and snow that seemed to make me feel that winter would never end) are now a memory.

So, too, is my health issue. I forgot to note here, after all my concerns, that I am free and clear of the Big "C" as well as any anomalies that could still mean trouble. The doctor gave me a clean bill of health!

I think, for a moment back there, I may have lost hope. But hope has returned, and that message is renewed with every warm breeze as well as each cluster of daffodils that I see. I need to remember to look for the life affirming signs.

It's a Great Day

I have lived in fear for a good part of my past, as I think I have noted here. One of the best things to happen to me, though, was to practically lose everything.Once that happened, then I was able to do two things;

1. I got things done that would have scared me in the past (working with the IRS on my taxes, for one thing!)
2. I took (healthy) risks.

The first allowed me to take charge of things in my life that I had been putting off. I will say that I haven't done everything perfectly, but I continue to learn from my mistakes and move on.

The second allowed me to do everything from try new foods to consider options that I would have never considered before. I have submitted plays to direct, looked into applying for creative grants and am preparing to get a passport so that I have an excuse to travel the world. I have also, as noted here, begun dating in earnest, and now I am seeing men in a different light. I am making definite choices instead of having the choices made for me; I've been willing to walk away from something that is not working/not right; and, most importantly, look at someone for who they are on the inside. This last has helped me to see that there are, indeed, some diamonds in the rough out there!

I feel better today because of this, because letting go of fear is a great thing. It doesn't go away all at once, and I still get caught up in it occasionally, but I can tell it no longer dominates my life.

Attack Lesson

I hate this time in the relationship the most. It should be the most enjoyable: everything is new, and each of us is perfect to the other. Only we're not. Anyone I've been with has been, like me, carrying around a lot of emotional baggage. We collect it from each of our relationships, and it often affects how we view our new relationships.

My biggest suitcase in my emotional baggage is overstuffed with trust issues. I was glad to discover that this is not unusual for women my age, especially women who have had someone leave them (mine, of course, was my last husband who pretty much disappeared one day after leaving just a note on the bed.)

Now, when I reach this point in the relationship where things seem to be going well, and we spend a wonderful weekend together (as I just did) I go into panic mode within a day after the weekend is over if he doesn't return my texts or respond to my emails once we are back in our "regular" lives. It paints me as the typical crazy, psychotic woman, but understand what is happening inside me. First, after being in this warm and loving place, we are torn apart and put into two separate places where we will need to exist until we see each other again (if we see each other again.) For me, coming from that place of love and warmth, if feels as if I've been exiled to the Gulag, and part of me despairs that I will ever return.

I have calmed down today, but I don't know if the damage has been done. What I do know, though, is what I want and what I deserve in a relationship, and that is someone who can see past this momentary exercise in insanity, and say "okay, I'm going to talk you down, because I know you are a decent person. Don't worry - I'm not going anywhere." And right now, with the work I've been doing on myself, that is all I need. I am willing to put a lot of myself into a relationship for the other person. I am just hoping to find someone who is willing to do the same.

Coming Around Again

I have been so afraid to post this, because I am certain it will jinx things for me, but now I will  and damn the results! I am starting to fall, ever so softly and quietly, for someone. I was so excited when he contacted me recently,  because he was someone I really, really wanted to get to know when I first read about him. And then he contacted me, back in early January, and we chatted for one night. And then...nothing.

So, first I thought his life was busy, because he mentioned it could be. And, after that, I thought he met someone else and changed his mind, because I could see that happening. I have anywhere from 1-15 people contacting me within a week, and discounting the scammers and obvious trolls, there are at least a few there who come close to what I am looking for. So, I could imagine the same could be happening to him.

And, so, after a few months, I had put him out of my mind. Then he came back, last week, out of the blue. And I found out he had been busy (he had told me about something he had been working on locally that made sense; if I had been in the same position, yes, I would have been fully immersed, and, so, understand.) But he had been thinking about me, and still interested.

So...so, yeah. Here I am right now. And, can I add, that he,. just today, said I'm cute? CUTE! This professional woman was transformed to a puddle of goo when I read that. Really? :) :)

Okay, I'm trying to pull it together here. And get back to being professional. But I'll keep you posted, okay?

CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!

Small, Meaningful Gestures

For the past several Fridays, I have been getting a small "gift" of sorts. It is not anything big; just a short message asking me how my week was. This small gesture is very meaningful for me, because I know there are no expectations attached to it.

You see, it is sent by someone I went on a date with about a month ago. I think of him as Mr.GQ, because he showed up still wearing his suit from work, and as the saying goes, he wore it well :)  I finally gave in and went out with him (he had been pursuing me since September, and I kept turning him away because I thought he was a bit too naughty for me, judging from his early messages. It turns out he was just being very flirty.)

We had a great conversation, and a fun time, but I felt both of us left knowing this was probably not a relationship we were going to pursue. I told him in later conversations that I would be on the lookout for any available super models for him, and he politely told me he couldn't see that happening either.

But we have kept in communication. Just a note once a week. Just checking in with each other. I have been dating other men, and in spite of his protestations, I can't help but think he has been out on dates with other women as well. But our weekly messages (usually consisting of a few short posts) are just enough to make me smile, and give me faith that, yes, there are some decent men out there.

The Sap is Running...And I'm Not Complaining!

Last night, I started to think about my dating experiences from the time I moved here until now. Back in the summer and fall, my experiences ran from fair to poor, and some were so bad they caused me to run away from dating sites and reconsider whether or not I ever wanted to get involved with anyone ever again.

I think I was still in recovery mode from what I call my La Brea tar pit of relationships, the one person who would just not let go, and made me afraid to get involved with anyone. There was a point of time where I did not want to be touched by anyone in a romantic and/or sexual way, and didn't know whether or not I would ever feel open to that again.

Now that I am looking back, I realized that the first relationship I became involved with in January actually opened me up, not only to touch, but to the possibility that I could, at some point, stay with someone and not feel stuck or trapped. I could be there and still be myself. I realize I was in that relationship for a reason, and I am so appreciative that he came along when he did (again, feeling that gratitude!)

This week was quiet (okay with the exception of Mr. Sleaze), but ended with a few men from the past checking back in, which was a pleasant surprise. There is a lesson that each is bringing with them. I am curious to learn what that might be, and like the rest, I probably won't learn until after the fact. But I am happy for the lesson.

Less Fear, No Regrets

I think once my dog died, I decided to get out more and live without the fear that kept me stuck in place. Before this happened I had been turning down invitations to go out, preferring the comfort of my couch, to the fear of the unknown. I scrutinized each and every relationship request, making hard and fast decisions.

I let go and decided to take on more risks, and have gotten out more. I haven't been living perfectly, but I have been living. And making choices. I am glad to know that I am still setting boundaries. For example, just this week  I ended a conversation with one person who had relentlessly contacted me after I was able to get him to admit he was currently in a relationship. I don't do that. Sure, I'm dating, and I will date several men until the decision is made that this is the one to pursue, and then the doors to all others are shut.

But I don't date if I am in a serious relationship, never strayed from my marriages, and expect the same from the people I am seeing. This man couldn't figure out why this made a difference. The fact that he couldn't figure that out WAS the difference.

So, living with less fear - yes. But with boundary choices still firmly in place.

On The Other Side of Today

Yesterday I was getting ready to go into the hospital, and now I am grateful this is past me. I survived, and although I don't yet know the outcome (and won't know for a week), it is done and over and there isn't anything else I can do right now but go on with my life.

That is my focus right now. Actually, I have two things I am focusing on: taking life as it comes, and being grateful for what it gives me. My best friend took a day off of work to bring me to the hospital, pick me up, and then help me get groceries and take me back home. This is what friendship truly is, and I know I would do the same for her.

I have had people, friends and family,  express their concern for me, and let me know that they are there for me. I am grateful for that.  Tomorrow and Friday I get to rest because I have a colleague covering my classroom and a supervisor who arranged it and told me, when I said I could come back on Friday, to take the day off and relax. I am also grateful for this as well.

I have talked in this blog about men I have met. In the past several months, I have had great conversations with wonderful, intelligent, warm and funny men. While the relationships did not continue, I am happy that I had the chance to meet them all, and feel each has given me hope for future love. I feel gratitude for each and every one.

I am feeling that, no matter what, I am in a good place. And I am happy.

Cake for Breakfast

I reached for the eggs this morning (I usually have one egg for breakfast, along with coffee and one piece of whole grain toast). Then said, screw it, I'm having cake. My life is upside down right now; I don't know what the doctors will find tomorrow.

It will probably be alright. I keep telling myself that, trying to stay positive. I would probably be more positive if the doctors didn't plant that seed of doubt in my mind.They can't tell me everything will be alright. They tell me, instead, that everything might be alright. But they don't know for certain,which is why they are checking me out from the inside. What was it that my ex called doctors? Guesswork wrapped up in white coats?

I know they are doing their jobs, and that there is probably a concern about lawsuits if they said everything was fine...and then it wasn't. So, yes, they need to be completely honest. And maybe there's a 99% chance that I am okay. But, of course, I am going to concern myself with the 1%.

Tomorrow, they will find out and, hopefully, I'll know. Today, I'm having cake.

Another Year

One of my co-workers mentioned today that they did not realize my birthday (today) was so close to my procedure (which is happening Wednesday.) Somehow, for me, this is no big surprise. In my life, everything seems to happen near my birthday.

Often, it is Easter (I have had several Easter Sundays that have fallen on my birthday; hey, free chocolate to celebrate, right?) President Reagan had an assassination attempt occur on my birthday. And, if there is going to be an end of the season snowstorm, it will, undoubtedly, fall on my birthday.

But I share a birthday with Warren Beatty and Eric Clapton. Is that cool, or what? Okay, also John Astin...but Eric Clapton! Seriously!

And, yes, a lot is happening this week. And, yes, I am celebrating this alone. But not really. I have had more friends than usual congratulating me on Facebook as well as at work. And today, the highlight of my day was a birthday card I received. I knew it wouldn't be from my mother, as she is dealing with the recent death of her second husband. But today I got this card, with the back side covered (I mean covered!) with stickers. I was thinking it was from the mentally handicapped gentleman who cleaned at the last place I worked, and from whom I learned sign language to speak with him, so that he wouldn't feel so lost.

But, no, it wasn't him. It was from my choir - the choir that sang "Happy Birthday" to me on Sunday. So, no, I guess I am not as alone as I think I am.

Happy Birthday to me!

When Your Life Is On Fire

Somebody could walk into this room
And say your life is on fire
It's all over the evening news
All about the fire in your life
On the evening news

(Crazy Love, Vol.II by Paul Simon)

This is how I felt this week. I allowed things in my life to go a bit crazy, to catch fire and burn out of control. It doesn't happen often lately; I tend to keep myself guarded, and am wary of anyone who takes an interest in me.

It may have been all the things I noted the other day (upcoming birthday, health concerns) that led to what I can only refer to is a game of 'flirtation chicken." You know the game of "chicken": two cars drive towards each other until one person chickens out by moving out of the way. In this game, as well as my flirtation version, the stakes keep getting higher the closer you get to each other.

For me, it started off with gentle teasing and flirting. But there were subtle dares that kept upping the ante until, I think, we both found ourselves in a place we didn't expect to be, and then both of us veered out of the way, avoiding the crash and ensuing flames that could have consumed us both.

I know I've rationalized my reasons (see above.) I also know myself enough to know I wouldn't be in this situation if I didn't start feeling something for this person, and I know, yes, I was feeling something. And yet, the entire time, I was scared to death (although unwilling to show it.) He had a very intense personality that made me nervous while still captivating me. So, perhaps, I was being drawn in, yet my fear was causing me to seek an exit route, which may have been me, subconsciously, sabotaging this budding relationship.

Perhaps, part of me knew that, while I was attracted, I was also playing with fire. 

No Blush In These Cheeks

Two glasses of wine with my sushi. You would think that would bring the blush to these cheeks, but no. Right now, there is now blush. I don't know why (although, yes, I do have some idea why - and some concerns.) When talking to one of my 'gentleman callers" earlier this week, I could not control the blush. But not today.

I imagine it is only natural, to be concerned when one sees the radiant flush begin to diminish. And then there's the weight. Not  a lot, but I noticed it going down with each doctor's visit. I don't know why the doctors haven't seen the weight starting to go slowly down, and yet I have. But I don't know anything for certain. Waiting to know- that's not easy for me, as I've said, but I will have to wait until the procedure is done and the results are in.

Working It Back Towards Center

I talked the other day about being in stasis. Since that time, I feel as if I have allowed my life to swing wildly out of control, a pendulum far off from center. I know this is a part of life, that we go through times when we are at center, which is calm, but can be boring.

Which is how we get into the pendulum swinging stage. This is not bad in itself. Life needs a little shaking up sometimes, which is what I figured I was getting - just a little shake.

It seems I got more than a little, and now I am trying to put on the brakes, take it easy. I understand what might have brought it on. Monday is my birthday; birthdays always cause me to go a little overboard, for some reason. Perhaps it is that fear of mortality, causing me to want to try different things, taking on a "life is short"attitude.

Couple the birthday with my upcoming procedure which is really stirring up concerns about the shortness of life, and suddenly I am doing things I would never ordinarily consider.

So I am picking up the pieces, feeling as if I am cleaning up after a wild party. I'm no teenager, though,and maybe it's about time I was a bit more responsible.

Doing Fine For a Woman My Age

Next week I celebrate another birthday. The earth has gone around the sun one more time, and yet I don't feel any older. Apparently, the men around here don't think I have gotten any older, either.

I have two interested in me (again! Why is it always two!) One is nine years younger; the other is 16 years younger. I have yet to figure out why either is interested, but, judging from our conversations (and my ongoing,almost interrogative questioning,) they are.

I admit that I am more interested in the older one. I have met him, and while most of the first date did not go as well as I had expected, his kiss afterwards was so passionate, and our conversations have only added fuel to that fire (and his voice makes my knees weak!) We are already looking forward to our next date (which, unfortunately, cannot happen for another week, due to our schedules.) But we are keeping in contact, and getting to know each other very well.

The second has not met me yet, and can't for another week and a half. And I have a feeling he may be nudged out of the way. He is nice, and we have had good conversations, but nothing beats actually meeting someone in person.

So getting older might just actually mean getting better. Perhaps these two gentlemen truly embrace what Benjamin Franklin said when he wrote "In Praise of Older Women."

Not Knowing the Expectations

I believe I have written in this blog that "expectations are premeditated resentments." I have known people who have had an issue with that statement, and I am beginning to understand that.What I am seeing is that expectations can definitely cause frustrations. And pain. And hurt.

For example, I don't think the girl upstairs expected a total emotional meltdown from her girlfriend to occur at 5:30 a.m.this morning (and I know I didn't expect it as well.) I don't think her girlfriend expected (what seems to be) an end to the relationship (although, who knows what will happen here?)

And I didn't expect certain people I had cared about  to leave me, and for me to experience such a level of hurt afterwards. It is one of those things I have, in time, learned to accept, but I admit I didn't expect.

But I also didn't know I would then meet other, interesting people. What comes next? I don't know! Maybe I am learning not to have expectations.

Currently in Stasis

This describes my health diagnosis as well as my love life. I am in this area where I am just here; I don't know what will happen with my health. I don't know where my love life is going. It is what it  is (as they say.)

It will be several weeks before I know about my health. I had a doctor visit today, and she reacted favorably to my comment about how I learned recently that my older sister had gone through a similar procedure that I am going through, and did not have any issues. I hope that is my case as well.

As for my love life- who knows. I am trying to stay open to the possibilities.

Tests and More Tests

I have to go to another doctor today. Apparently if you get checked by an OB/GYN and need a procedure done, you need the approval of a primary care doctor, and if you don't have one, you need to find one. It is just a mixed up situation, but it is getting me out to the doctors so I can be fully checked out.

At least several areas of concern have been ruled out; just one small spot that is probably a polyp  (I keep telling myself - in the voice of "Ahnold" that "It's not a tumah!") I'm hoping it's not, and the doctor seems to feel it isn't as well, but just wants to check it out with an internal camera.

All I can think of is the line from the Vapor's song "Turning Japanese" about having the doctor take my picture "so I can look at you inside as well." Weird, yes, but it will soon be true.

It's Easier When You Stop Caring

When I told a single friend about my disastrous exploits in the dating world, she said it could be fun if you don't take it seriously. I realized that, although I liked the feeling of the possibility of a relationship that I experienced with the last two men, I now know that burdening someone with what I am going through right now would not be fair to them, so a relationship is out of the question.

But I can still be friends, and just date,  as my friend had said. The realization that I could date now since I don't care anymore about what happens seems even better, especially since there are a number of men, including one that I've been talking with recently, who would prefer a no strings attached relationship.

Imagine the freedom of that, particularly in light of my current situation! No strings means I don't have to tell them about my problems, and when things in my life get serious, I can just move on. I would bet that the other men I had met would have preferred that to the possibility of getting involved with someone with these types of issues, right? No strings attach - allows me to just float away.

Big "C" Concerns Trump Relationship Issues

So those of you keeping track, my love life sucks. It completely sucks. But guess what might suck more? My health! Yay (I guess).

I have been going through tests that I never thought I would be going through, because those forms of the Big C that attack the female body parts don't affect my family, as far as I know (and now as I am typing this, I am wondering about my dad's side of the family that we lost touch with.) And I always thought that I would know I was sick because I would be losing weight (and not just from my attempts at dieting and exercise.) And I have not been doing that - at least in large amounts!

And I haven't "felt" sick (beyond the usual stuff I deal with, that generally has to do with sinus infections because of allergies.) So I am hoping that this doesn't mean anything. But in any case, it is enough for me to concern myself for now. So, maybe, it was better that I didn't have a new relationship, I didn't have someone new to involve in this whole situation.

Yeah, I guess maybe I'm just taking it all on myself (well, not all - I've already told one family member, and will let more know if it gets to be more serious, so I know I have them backing me.) But overall - this really sucks.

It's The Connection

I was laying in bed this morning, thinking. I need to think through a lot of what I go through, to process it in order to understand it. I was thinking about what I missed most about these relationships that ended; why I needed them. And I realized, I missed the daily connection.

Don't get me wrong. The romance was nice. It was great to get a Valentine's gift for the first time in years, to have someone take me out, to make out like teenagers. Touch is so important, and one can crave it when one doesn't get it for a while.

But I really missed the daily emails from the last guy, and the daily texts from the other. The talking, and flirting, and even just the "How is your day?" One of the best digital moments I had with the last guy was when we were emailing and both of us noted how we were in our respective places, having coffee and watching the news. There - that's the connection.

It is possible that my wanting that connection may have made me appear needy, and I may have been needy for the time being. As I have been communicating with a friend from my past, I realized that he knows me well enough to see that this too shall pass.I may be needy right now, but once the connection is established and I get my needs met, that neediness disappears. Those men who didn't know me couldn't see that. It's part of the process of discovery in any type of relationship.

Connecting with friends is what I have decided I need most right now. That will get me through this storm.

Cold vs. Caring

I think what shocked and hurt me the most about the email that I got, today telling me that we did not have a good "match" was the coldness of the tone of the email. It was almost clinical in manner; so much different than the ones I had written to other people when things weren't working out for us, and the exact opposite of what I had received in communication from this man before. I read it and wondered how this could come about, and what did the hundreds of emails and dozens of phone calls, all warm and fuzzy in tone actually mean in relation to this? What was real? What was a lie?

Fortunately, I had the sense to reach out to someone who has been there for me for over a year now. Why aren't we together?Well, we are separated by a little over 100 miles, and he is still working through issues from his last marriage.

But we have been there for each other, and when I told him about how much I was hurting from the ending of the last two relationships, and asked him why this happened, he said something that put it in perspective for me: he said that we (he and I) just care. He and I have talked to each other, and listened to each other, and have been there for each other, even though the miles and our situations have separated us.

Perhaps things do happen for a reason. I told him I would wait for things to work out. I would rather wait than put myself through more pain, especially if it means waiting for him. I'm glad to wait and see.

Not Gonna Lie - This Sucks

So, here I am, back at square one, left by another guy. Although I have been working on myself and doing what I can to keep learning and improving, I can say that this one was definitely not my fault. I sort of saw the writing on the wall, so to speak, but ignored it.

This was my takeaway - you cannot compete with a ghost (dead spouse.) He had mentioned his wife who had died at a young age practically every time we talked. It was interwoven in almost every conversation we had - the trips he had with her, for example. I knew this could be a problem, but I was hoping it wouldn't.

We had a wonderful first date, and continued writing and talking, and made our plans for our second date. We just talked on the phone yesterday for over an hour; something you don't do if you are not happy with another person. But then, just as the last one, he admitted something personal to me, recounting a sad story that happened to him shortly after the death of his wife. And I could tell right then that his admission would/could cause him to pull away. And even though I sent a kind and understanding response, he did just as I expected. He left.

So, I am hurting.Again. I know I need to go on - that's what I am about. I can't just shut down.I am not someone who will just give up,or get bitter. I have to remind myself that I can learn from everything that happens to me, and each of these relationships offers me a great deal to learn.

I wish, though, that there was a map that would show me where to go next. I hate being lost like this and in pain. The pain will pass, I know, and the way will show itself to me someday. I just don't know when.

No Shame In Wanting to be Loved

I think the one thing I had wanted to tell the last person I was with was that I don't believe in shaming someone, no matter what they have gone through. I have been with people who have been through a lot, and I was impressed - and never embarrassed - by all they have been through. I've been through enough myself. I have no place judging others.

But I have been beating myself up for falling so quickly for this person. And yet, I realize, I needed that at that time.I can't really speak for him, but I can only guess that he did, too. I don't think there is any shame in wanting to open myself to caring, to love, even if it only lasted a few short weeks. I had not trusted anyone for months (for years, actually) and it was nice to be in a place where I felt comfortable. I wanted to know I could be loved, and I feel that I was, if even for that short period of time.

Relationships can last several hours, several years, or several decades. I still see this as a loving relationship that I needed at that time. There's no shame in that.

Nice is Really Not So Bad

In that last relationship, before it went up in flames, I had mentioned to this guy that there had been another man interested in me at the same time that this guy was contacting me. I told him the other guy was "nice"  but I said it in a way that made nice sound, well, not so nice. In retrospect, I think I did it that way to make this guy feel better (I think I said, "he was too nice for me" which inferred that nice was boring.)

Earlier this week, after it was clear the other guy was gone and not coming back, I contacted Mr. Nice Guy, apologized for everything, and asked if he was still interested. He told me he appreciated the apology, but it was not necessary, as he understood how relationships can come and go. And then he said the best thing - not only did he say yes (he was still interested), he told me he "kept the door open." And we have been talking non-stop ever since.

So, maybe the lesson here is that nice is not so bad. In fact, nice is good - it is probably what I need, even when I don't think I do. I feel I am in a better place. Nice is...nice.

What We Want to Believe

It is very easy to play the blame game, and say the other person is completely at fault when a relationship ends. But I try to be honest (I try!) and if I am honest, I know that I contributed. A lot had to do with my trust issues, although I thought that I was clear about having them, and tried to be clear about what I needed to help me (making a point of talking at a specific time, for example, and keeping one's promises.)

But the biggest issue was that I wanted to believe. He would say we were going to do this and that, and I wanted to believe. He would say he was going to come out and see me more, and I wanted to believe.

The thing is, he wanted to believe, too, but couldn't see that he kept making promises he couldn't keep. Denial is a bitch, and it would be so easy if I could say to him 'you're in denial about this, or that" and he would say 'oh,okay, I understand." Unfortunately, denial is something happening on a subconscious level, so we are not even aware of what is happening.

I want to believe that this has been an eye-opening learning experience for me, because I want to continue to get better and grow. Hopefully, I'm not in denial.

No, I'm Not Perfect

Well, I said in my last post that I would wait, but as I waited, I saw that the messages to me from the person I was dating which had been up to 40-50 a day during the first few weeks of our relationship were now down to 2-3/day. That was not something that came about slowly, which could happen when the relationship matures (and the couple sees each other quite often.) No, that was the entirety of our contact that happened so suddenly, I didn't even know what was happening.

I tried contacting him at first, but that led to the first decrease in messages. So when I noted that I was wondering if he wanted out, he said everything was okay. No, everything was not okay. The messages decreased even more. No phone calls when there had been at least 2 a day. Now it was a couple of texts, most just consisting of this response to my text: "ok."

I don't know for certain what the problem is, but I think (and can only assume) that it was because I expressed my displeasure over a situation (and, given the situation, I am certain I am not the first to complain, nor will I be the last.) Denial is a very strong force; it is much easier to deny a situation than make the effort to do something about it, based on what one is hearing over and over and over again. Like water and electricity, we, as humans, often follow the path of least resistance. Not changing a situation, even if it makes us unhappy, might be preferable to a new situation that we enjoy, especially if the first does not require any change on one's part.

There is another issue I've run into in other relationships, and I am wondering if that is what happened here. As soon as I expressed my displeasure, I was no longer the perfect girlfriend that this person (and others before him) needed. I was just another woman who didn't understand.

I may never understand. It is very hard to understand something that isn't being communicated to you. But I do know that I'm not perfect. I also know that he was not perfect. That didn't stop me from caring about him. If you can't care about someone with imperfections, though, then there are issues. The relationship of perfections is a superficial one. I prefer one that is real, in spite of how much work that might involve. I just want to be in one where both partners are willing to do the work.

Fatigue

It was an interesting word they used in the news today to describe the workers who are dealing with the multiple water breaks in the area. The reporter said the workers were "fatigued." It caught my attention. Immediately, I thought of these people, men and women (I am guessing) who were frustrated and tired from dealing with what probably seems like an unending problem. I thought of them bringing that frustration home to their family, their loved ones; trying to keep their cool, but probably feeling that relentless edginess that comes with feeling stressed.

I felt as if a light bulb went off for me. I was trying to wrestle with what to do with this relationship. I was feeling frustrated (and vented in an email.) I am fairly certain that he is feeling frustrated with my venting, as well as everything else going on in his life. When your plate is full to begin with, and then more gets dumped on your plate, and you try to figure out a way to deal with all of it, it does seem endless, and you can feel very fatigued.

What I realize I have been doing is adding to that frustration because I am trying to get the relationship back to where it was before fatigue set in; when we were together in that warm cocoon at the outset. We have been through a lot in a short amount of time, though. I sort of knew this was moving fast, faster than I had expected, but decided I was ready for the ride. Now, I think, reality is setting in. Or it might just be fatigue. I don't know.

I think the best thing for me to do, though, is to take a step back and take care of myself. It doesn't mean I've given up, or that I'll back out all the way, but just not push as hard. I want to deal with my emotional fatigue and allow him to do the same.

I Will Wait

"This shit be hard"
Lucien P. Smith, character in The Boys Next Door

This line from the Tom Griffin play The Boys Next Door became the running theme for several of my acting classes when I was in college.It is now the running theme of my current love life, or, more succinctly, it serves to describe how I feel as I am learning to be a better person in my current relationship.

If you have been reading my blog, then you'll know that I have been dating for several years. I was in a long term relationship a few years back (the one I talk about having to extricate myself from.) I now refer to that as an anomaly, a failed experiment on my part that came about from my trying to keep my family and friends happy by finding someone outside of the dating sites.

I can honestly say that I am in a relationship now. This is the first one in a long time where I feel we are both willing to work, to listen to each other, to change what needs to be changed in ourselves in order to bring out the best person who is inside us. And because of the amount of work I can see the new person in my life doing, I have to honestly say that this is the first person I have ever been with who has the courage to really work on himself, inside and out.

Now I am trying to do the same, and realize my trust issues are one of the areas I need to work on the most. In spite of the fact that he has said he is not going anywhere, I still worry. The tapes playing in my head tell me this isn't true, this isn't happening, I shouldn't trust. Turning off those tapes and learning to trust is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to learn to do. Harder than learning how to act. Harder than making the decision to finally date again.

Trusting right now means waiting and not getting answers right away. It means letting go and letting things happen naturally, instead of trying to control. It means understanding that there is work to be done, and work takes time.

So I will wait. Damn, this shit be hard.

Love Like a Dog...Or A Baby

I started to realize recently that the secret to being happy with others and seeing them with your heart, unconditionally, is to love them like a dog or a baby would. Dogs and children don't see people in a superficial way; they see the true heart of someone.

I'll explain how I came to this realization. My "man" is big. He's what society would deem a plus size. Oh, yes, in their superficial, judgmental way of seeing things they have all sorts of labels to paste all over him. I see him as a wonderful, loving, funny, intelligent, sweet, kind, generous, sexy man who I miss every second I am away from him.

I see him this way, because I stopped looking at people in a superficial way, and started seeing them in the way that a dog or baby might. They understand love; they understand someone who treats them with respect and cares for them.

They also know to avoid the person who is false, fake, mean-spirited, who raises their voice (or hand) in anger, who kicks them or slaps them. This person could be any size, or have any type of appearance. This person could be what society deems as attractive, but they are a living example that "beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone."

I am happy that I have gone through all I have in relationships to come to this place, to discover someone who is wonderful, just because he is. I guess I am smarter now, because I am thinking like a baby...or a dog.

And Then The Choice Was Made

So, the choice was made (G1 or G2, remember?) And I am very happy, not only that it has been made, but with the choice. Waiting another day was tough, but knowing that my GC (gentleman caller) wanted to see me so much that he would risk driving through a snowstorm just made the entire experience that much better.

And now, G2 and I must wait for our next chance to work around our hectic schedules so that we can see each other. But now we both know, it will be worth the wait.

Complications Commence;HIGH-larity Ensues

Right now, I should be sipping a cup of coffee (or, possibly, chai) and enjoying the conversation and attention of someone of the opposite sex, with whom I have been sharing flirty banter online for the past week and a half.  Yes, this is a different person than the one I have been talking about. Let's call the other one GC1 (for "Gentleman Caller 1 - a polite term stolen from Tennessee Williams). That's makes the one I was to be with tonight GC2.

Here's the lowdown; several weeks back, I started chatting with GC1. We had a free and easy way of talking, and I liked his lengthy posts in response to my own. We talked about our jobs, life, music, and cooking (something we both had in common.) It seemed that we would definitely meet each other in short order. However, as it always does, life intervened. He was supposed to help a friend out with an issue. That was a couple weeks ago. He, suddenly, however, stopped communicating.I gave him a few days, but then wrote to see what was going on. He said he had a family emergency and would let me know. My response - uh oh. I waited for the other shoe to fall; to hear that he was in a terrible place, and would I please send money?

But that didn't happen. It actually did  turn out that someone close to him had died. So, after this point, he sort of dropped off the radar screen for about a week.

Which was when G2 showed up. You see, I had no idea what was going to happen with G1, so, well, I decided conversation with G2 would be okay, right? And we hit it off right away. We had a great deal in common, and had an ease in our conversation.

And then - yup - G1 showed back up. And we talked again, and decided we would meet the first weekend in February. But I still felt a connection to G2, so I pushed for a "rendezvous' that would be earlier than my one with G2,because I needed to know if we both felt the same way, and if he was the one I should be with.

Sounds easy enough, right? And if I were sipping that coffee right now with G2, I think all my questions would be answered. However, G2 was not able to make it tonight; he had an accident that is keeping him home. And, now, they are forecasting a snowstorm for tomorrow (when we said we would get together). It can't be easy, can it?

So, what are all these signs from the universe telling me? Which do I choose? Or will the choice be made?

I keep thinking of what a friend of mine said when his life was suddenly upended; "things are up in the air and I am not happy." Exactly how I feel right now.

Did You Ever Have To Make Up My Mind

First things first - update! My friend's son has been released and is now back home. Yay! So happy for him, for his family, for my friend!

Now, about that title. Haven't I been here before? I am getting the feeling that these decisions are getting harder. I mean it's like it used to be "which would you rather be with? A mass murderer or a guy that built an orphanage by hand in the time that he had free when he wasn't saving homeless dogs in Russia?"

But now it is like deciding between that last guy, and someone similar, only one has dogs and the other cooks. So, in other words, they are both great, but since we don't live in Noel Coward's "Design for Living" world, I need to make a choice.

There is a big part of me that just wants to wait until the choice is made for me. And that might happen, right? Yeah, I didn't think so, either.

So, I am going to get to know both of them. And then, after that point, I will make my decision. Not before then (like I have been doing.) Ah, this is so hard.  But if I want to grow up and act like an adult, I need to do this.

Yeah, okay. I'll keep you posted.

Life Changes

I had just gotten back from shopping, had put away the food and was enjoying the wild salmon sushi I had been looking forward to since I got the email that it was now available at my local grocery store. I had a nice (okay, a decent) glass of wine to go with it, and I sat and enjoyed every bite.

I was also looking forward to the phone call that was planned for the evening with a new gentleman "caller", so to speak. We had been talking through messages, had a nice, long call last night and were planning on talking again tonight.

As I started to enjoy my incredible sushi, I texted back a response to my best friend. She had asked if I had wanted to come over for dinner tonight, and I told her I had plans. However, I wanted to see if she was still interested in going to a play with me on Saturday night (I had left her a message on Facebook.) Her response was "Sure." So I was set.

Then came the bombshell - the news that you don't believe can happen; not to people you know. She said she just heard that her "adopted"son (which is what she called her exchange student son, the son of an exchange student friend of ours from school) had been kidnapped. I didn't think it could be real. This must be a hoax, right?

Then she said his father (our friend from school) was hysterical. They lived in Mexico. The father was what is considered in that country to be wealthy (not nearly like the 1% of this country who attract so much attention and derision, but still with money in a country of the poor.) And where money is scarce, people are desperate.

I felt helpless. My friend said her stomach was in knots. I didn't know what to do. I could only pray. That is all I can do. Today, tomorrow, the next day - until they know. Until there is an answer. Nothing else.

Sometimes life seems to go so well. And then, life changes.

When You Can't Decide

Things are up in the air for me. I am waiting for someone to make a decision. This used to put me in a panic, but not anymore.

Oh, yes, it is annoying.I'll admit the waiting can be annoying. But it is no longer as disconcerting for me as it used to be. Because I now know if someone can't decide, a decision is made for them. And it might not be the choice that person wants, but it happens.

I had to learn this myself. It bothered me sometimes and angered me at others. And then I finally saw the pattern. When a decision was made which, perhaps, meant that I would not be with that relationship, or job, or whatever, I ended up in a better situation.

So, I will wait patiently and allow things to go the way they are meant to go. And I will continue on, knowing a decision will be made.

When You Can't Stop Talkilng

Things happen out of the blue. I think that is what I have been talking about here. Never plan for anything; the beauty in life is in the unplanned (which is why I subscribe to the John Lennon quote "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.")

I thought it would be a quiet weekend. I would catch up on cleaning and maybe binge watch some shows. I would try to forget what I wanted to happen and just let go.

But I reconnected with someone who had just gone through a loss, something that I thought would affect him for quite some time. I was willing to be patient and to wait, because life and experience has taught me that these men don't come into our lives every day. And maybe I should learn to be patient.

I sent a message to him. He responded back, politely as ever. I decided to take a chance, and respond. What was the worst that could happen?

Well, we sent messages back and forth all day. It was exciting; exhilarating - more than we had done to date. It gave me courage to continue and to hope as I hadn't before.

And to have patience to wait.

And More Snow

We have been going through one of those ongoing snow situations for about the past week here. It continues to pile up. Friday I had completely cleared off my car, then went out Saturday afternoon to discover that it was covered again (in fact, I couldn't even see my car this time.) Fortunately, I was helped by two girls from the apartment upstairs, and the car was cleaned off and the snow cleared away quickly.

I haven't gone out today to check, but I can only assume it is once again covered.The snow was coming down last night as I came home from an event being put on by friends of mine.It was a fine, white powder of a snowfall; nothing heavy, but enough to cover. It seemed to fit my mood for the evening; not bad, but just a continuous slow whiteout.

I have to learn to not allow outside events affect me. I know I am still plodding through life after losing my dog, and some days are better than others. This is not one of those days. I am working at trying to do better at work, trying to improve, but,mainly, I just want to keep my head above water right now. I would be happy just to complete the two classes I have, then focus my attention on improving for the other two that recently started.

It's progress over perfection, right? I think that's a saying. I just need to keep going in the right direction. I don't need to do it perfectly.

One Less...

Okay, I know I just got through saying that I wouldn't make a choice, but let the choice be made for me. However, I think the choice was made; I just needed to sign off on it.

The first guy I was talking to was okay, but, just not...well, let's put it this way. I think the Higher Power, the Universe, what have you was saying

"Listen. Here's this one guy. He doesn't refer to you by name, not even 'hey you." He is mostly interested in cuddles and coffee. And that's about it. He shows up with posts when it is convenient for him, and most of the conversation is basic. A little flirting; very little personal information. That's all.

Now, here is this second guy. From the 2nd email, he was calling you by name. After that, he interspersed that with cute little names that he would make up by drawing from something you had mentioned. The conversation is intelligent and intriguing, and keeps you wanting more. And, oh yeah, unlike the other guy,  he has posted photos and while he might have noted concerns about his weight, you find him very attractive.

So, who are you going to continue to talk to? And if you make the wrong choice, I will hit you so hard with karma, you won't want to date anyone for a year."

When the first guy got back from his business trip, and asked "RU still chatting with me or what?", I politely informed him that I was talking with someone else and I wasn't really interested in speaking with him anymore (well, it was more politely put than that.) His response was a "Whatever. Good luck." And that was it. I am fairly certain he is telling someone, or at least thinking "That fat, older chick dumped me?!?"

Yes, yes I did. Now, I don't know what will happen with the person I am continuing to talk to. I hope it works. However, what I know is that I have enjoyed what we have had so far, and if that is all that I get, then that's enough. It informs me what I want and what I deserve.

And I think I finally know how to make emotionally healthy choices. Yay for me!

The Choice...Again

I am, once again, talking with two very different men. Both intrigue me and both seem, well, normal. But I hate being in this position of having to choose. And maybe that is my issue.

Every time I get to this point, I decide to choose one person who seems more suitable for this reason or another, and tell the other person goodbye. Then the person I choose disappears, or doesn't work out. And I kick myself for making that choice.

I think the lesson isn't that I am making the wrong choice. The lesson is that I am making the choice. Perhaps what I should be doing is continuing on and let the choice be made for me. If I believe the right choice will be made, then I should let go of the need to control this process.

I will just have to see how this plays out in its own time.

January and Cold

It is in the teens outside today. Fitting for the first week in January. I am plodding along, trying to focus on work, working towards getting my mind off the fact that a short week ago I was wondering if I would be putting my dog to sleep soon, then dealing with the aftermath of having to do just that.

One advantage of all this is that I no longer have to deal with the early morning and late evening walks, bundling up and bracing for the cold, then shivering as my dog took his time sniffing around each snow drift. I would pull him forward, trying to get him to do his business so we could get back into the warm apartment.

Towards the end (the last few months), I allowed him more time to sniff (I would call them his "sniffy" walks.) It was one of the few pleasures he had, as his appetite was waning and he had such a difficult time walking. In the last week or so, he wouldn't walk as far, but would stop, raise his head and sniff, as if he was drawing in those smells from where he stood. I watched him, and in the last days, I wondered if he knew he didn't have much more time, and this was his way of taking in everything, just one more time before he left this earth.

I wish we could all be like that. I wish that I could stop grousing about the cold weather, and, instead, appreciate the rays of sun penetrating through the thin clouds coating the frigid blue sky. Who knows how many more days I have, how many more days any of us have? Perhaps we should, like Shep, learn to appreciate what is here, now, and take a moment to sniff the air.

It Has That New Year Smell

Last night I was talking to my son on the phone. Both of us ended up spending uneventful New Years Eves due to the fact that we were both single and both dealing with snow storms (as well as both still getting over the recent death of our beloved dog.) It is ironic, but the death of our dog has brought my son and I closer together as we are concerned about each other and check in with each other more often.

Anyway, we both resolved to move on with our lives. The year might have ended on a not so great note, but we are looking ahead to possibly better times. One thing I have resolved to do (and, I believe, he has to) is get out more and, hopefully date. I have made every excuse to not attend singles events in the past couple of months (okay, well in December I did have the flu that kept me from the last big event.) But I have also been making excuses to avoid going out with others.

My biggest excuse was my dog. I felt I needed to be here for him, to make sure he was okay. I don't have that excuse anymore. In fact, I think that if my dog were here and could talk, he'd say "you've been taking care of me long enough. Now it is time to take care of you."

So, here I go, venturing into 2015. I am several events to attend this month already, and am getting back into my exercise routine. This is the year I start off alone and take care of myself, and see where things lead.