When Your Life Is On Fire

Somebody could walk into this room
And say your life is on fire
It's all over the evening news
All about the fire in your life
On the evening news

(Crazy Love, Vol.II by Paul Simon)

This is how I felt this week. I allowed things in my life to go a bit crazy, to catch fire and burn out of control. It doesn't happen often lately; I tend to keep myself guarded, and am wary of anyone who takes an interest in me.

It may have been all the things I noted the other day (upcoming birthday, health concerns) that led to what I can only refer to is a game of 'flirtation chicken." You know the game of "chicken": two cars drive towards each other until one person chickens out by moving out of the way. In this game, as well as my flirtation version, the stakes keep getting higher the closer you get to each other.

For me, it started off with gentle teasing and flirting. But there were subtle dares that kept upping the ante until, I think, we both found ourselves in a place we didn't expect to be, and then both of us veered out of the way, avoiding the crash and ensuing flames that could have consumed us both.

I know I've rationalized my reasons (see above.) I also know myself enough to know I wouldn't be in this situation if I didn't start feeling something for this person, and I know, yes, I was feeling something. And yet, the entire time, I was scared to death (although unwilling to show it.) He had a very intense personality that made me nervous while still captivating me. So, perhaps, I was being drawn in, yet my fear was causing me to seek an exit route, which may have been me, subconsciously, sabotaging this budding relationship.

Perhaps, part of me knew that, while I was attracted, I was also playing with fire.