I Will Wait

"This shit be hard"
Lucien P. Smith, character in The Boys Next Door

This line from the Tom Griffin play The Boys Next Door became the running theme for several of my acting classes when I was in college.It is now the running theme of my current love life, or, more succinctly, it serves to describe how I feel as I am learning to be a better person in my current relationship.

If you have been reading my blog, then you'll know that I have been dating for several years. I was in a long term relationship a few years back (the one I talk about having to extricate myself from.) I now refer to that as an anomaly, a failed experiment on my part that came about from my trying to keep my family and friends happy by finding someone outside of the dating sites.

I can honestly say that I am in a relationship now. This is the first one in a long time where I feel we are both willing to work, to listen to each other, to change what needs to be changed in ourselves in order to bring out the best person who is inside us. And because of the amount of work I can see the new person in my life doing, I have to honestly say that this is the first person I have ever been with who has the courage to really work on himself, inside and out.

Now I am trying to do the same, and realize my trust issues are one of the areas I need to work on the most. In spite of the fact that he has said he is not going anywhere, I still worry. The tapes playing in my head tell me this isn't true, this isn't happening, I shouldn't trust. Turning off those tapes and learning to trust is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to learn to do. Harder than learning how to act. Harder than making the decision to finally date again.

Trusting right now means waiting and not getting answers right away. It means letting go and letting things happen naturally, instead of trying to control. It means understanding that there is work to be done, and work takes time.

So I will wait. Damn, this shit be hard.