Insecurity

I know when I get in these situations, I need to write and write in order to process it. I also think and think. I go over what happened so I can figure out why I feel hurt and how to approach the situation better (or, better, to see the signs and avoid it) if it happens again.

I now realize that I am hurting because I just started to trust. I started to feel that this is a nice guy who is not merely interested in sex; someone who seems interested in me and might actually stay around. He seemed so mellow and laid back, that I didn't see that this was a way of covering his insecurity.

From my own experience, I can say that I know how insecurity affects you and tells you to see things differently. I remember when I was younger, and I would fall for someone, only to find this one fault that would turn me off. It would be very minor; the way someone talked, the thinness of their hands. I remember losing one wonderful relationship because I bought into the concern that a friend had mentioned about the fact that the guy I was seeing was prematurely balding (in his 20's). What happens is this thing that I notice starts off small, but then it becomes a huge area of focused obsession until my thinking tells me that I need to get away from this person, now.

That was a while ago, and I have since grown and matured and realized that we are all imperfect, which is what makes us interesting. But I am thinking that there was some small thing about me that set this guy off. It may have been the fact that I drank a beer with my meal when he did not drink, or the fact that I mentioned that I could tell he smoked.

What I really think it might have been though,was a possible concern that I was a "snob." He had mentioned how the people in this area were snobs, and then I realized that I live in a nice apartment, filled with books and nice art, and I made comments about my teaching college. I didn't try to laud this over him, but if you are insecure (and you also rely on your brother's opinion about what to do with your life), then this can become an issue that starts small and then grows greater and greater in your mind.

So, lesson learned. I will look for the signs of insecurity in the future.