Attack Lesson

I hate this time in the relationship the most. It should be the most enjoyable: everything is new, and each of us is perfect to the other. Only we're not. Anyone I've been with has been, like me, carrying around a lot of emotional baggage. We collect it from each of our relationships, and it often affects how we view our new relationships.

My biggest suitcase in my emotional baggage is overstuffed with trust issues. I was glad to discover that this is not unusual for women my age, especially women who have had someone leave them (mine, of course, was my last husband who pretty much disappeared one day after leaving just a note on the bed.)

Now, when I reach this point in the relationship where things seem to be going well, and we spend a wonderful weekend together (as I just did) I go into panic mode within a day after the weekend is over if he doesn't return my texts or respond to my emails once we are back in our "regular" lives. It paints me as the typical crazy, psychotic woman, but understand what is happening inside me. First, after being in this warm and loving place, we are torn apart and put into two separate places where we will need to exist until we see each other again (if we see each other again.) For me, coming from that place of love and warmth, if feels as if I've been exiled to the Gulag, and part of me despairs that I will ever return.

I have calmed down today, but I don't know if the damage has been done. What I do know, though, is what I want and what I deserve in a relationship, and that is someone who can see past this momentary exercise in insanity, and say "okay, I'm going to talk you down, because I know you are a decent person. Don't worry - I'm not going anywhere." And right now, with the work I've been doing on myself, that is all I need. I am willing to put a lot of myself into a relationship for the other person. I am just hoping to find someone who is willing to do the same.