Onward to a New Decade

With the new decade starting tomorrow, I found myself thinking about where I was 10 years ago at this time.

• I was working in my last full time job doing work that, for the most part, I did like, at a place that would serve as the inspiration for me to work towards where (I think!) I am now finally starting to head.
  
• I hadn't even started college classes; in fact, I don't think I had even started to think about going back to school
  
• I hadn't met the man who would become my husband and then later leave me.
  
• I was just beginning to focus my computer skills, something that would help me later in the decade to get my job.
  
• I was just starting to work my program.
  
• I was certain I would find the right relationship because I was learning so much about myself that I would make an emotionally healthy choice (that one is funny and sad at the same time). Hopefully I've learned from this.
  
• I had not yet worked to repair the relationship with my mother and forgive my father.
  
• I was just starting to turn my financial situation around (only to have that boat crash again because of my marriage.) Hopefully, this history won't repeat itself either.
  
• I had no idea I would end the decade as a professor with a hard-earned MFA degree, teaching theatre and humanities and constantly learning.
  

I start the new decade looking towards a move that may be, literally, life-changing.

Gotta Have Friends!

My best friend called yesterday. As always, it was great talking to her. Every time I talk with her, I feel very happy afterwards, and am even more inspired to get ready to move back. Soon, I tell myself, although it doesn't seem soon enough.

She told me about getting together this weekend with some old friends from school, and she had told them that next year, I'll be joining them. Just thinking about that makes me giddy with excitement! I can't believe that in a little over six months I'll be back with my old friends!

I think this is what I am missing most in my life – friends. I have some people here that I consider to be friends, but nothing like what I had. There is really no one here that I just get together with, and I think that is the one thing that will help me stay out of bad relationships that I get into because of boredom and loneliness. There's no excuse for loneliness when you're surrounded by friends!

Songbirds and Spring

My dreams are getting better. The men I dream about keep getting nicer and better looking. And the weather is improving, too!

Last night, I dreamt I was with someone new, another man I hadn't met yet. He was very nice, although a bit quiet. And I have to say he was so attractive, that it was the first time in my dreams that I remember really flirting with someone! I felt younger, too, although part of me was still who I am today.

And if that wasn't strange enough, it was spring outside. We were on a wooden bridge, looking out, and it was warm (the way it gets in May). I don't remember much more, but as I was waking up, I heard a songbird, and thought it really was spring! No, still December, but I will say I must have some mixed up bird in my backyard who thinks it is warmer. Or maybe he's just clairvoyant!

A Better Life

We had had this discussion once, about people with nice jobs, good salaries, etc. Someone he knew wondered why the boss deserved to have this top job; what had he done to earn this? I knew the answer: he had worked hard for it, put in the hours, done the work that many of us would be unwilling to do. He got that prize reserved for those few who put in the extra effort.

Several weeks ago, someone else, in another place had mentioned how hard it is to find someone willing to do the work. He was talking about the internal work – the work on oneself that I have been talking about.

Trading one person for another because you feel the grass is greener somewhere else doesn't always bring about the desired result. Others may be different, but few (who are available) are emotionally healthy and/or better than the person you've just left. I know this from experience. Some can appear better, and can do a very good job convincing others that they are this happy, healthy person. The man who stalked me for several years was just such a person. He even had the hostess at the restaurant where we were supposed to meet convinced he was a total gentleman when he called to let me know he would be late. It was months later that I realized I how unhinged he was.

I am not getting involved in another relationship right now, because I don't think I'm ready. I want to be the one who does the hard work – the internal work. When the better relationship comes along, the good relationship that I deserve – I want to be ready.

What My Dreams are Telling Me

I had some more very vivid dreams last night. They made me feel much better about my life, and inspired me so much I had to do a little "reading" into their meaning and what my future might hold.

The first one I remember, I was in a building, and someone came up to me. I knew this person, because I said "there you are! Don't do that to me ever again!" I remember feeling that way – that I had been betrayed by this person. They never apologized, but just kissed me and then we went on as if nothing had happened. We went walking into a parking lot, looking for their car; the lot seemed endless and it was difficult to find the car (I don't think we did before I woke up). When I thought about the dream, I first thought the person was my last boyfriend, but he was also tall, and similar to my last husband as well, so I guess he was like a cross between the two. Interesting thing about the parking lot, too – it started out like the parking lot behind Rhode Island Hospital, but then seemed like the huge parking lot at the Big E.

These things stick out to me – the person did not apologize (true of both my last husband and my last boyfriend); I was continuing on as if nothing happened (old behavior); and the lots were significant (the RI Hospital lot representing when I had to pick up my last husband and take him home after his accident; the Big E lot that I walked around on pain after going to the Fair with my last boyfriend).

The next dream was about someone I had never met, but they surprised me by falling for me, even though I thought they liked someone else. It was unexpected but very nice and romantic, and different than anything else I had known (the person was different, too, than anyone else I had known).

When I did my reading on this, it said I should be aware of my old behaviors before getting into a new relationship. If I could change my patterns, I would end up with more choices, but I should look to my heart and find the most heartwarming relationship. This is what I think the dreams were about, and I plan to listen to them and take them to heart.

Doing the Best They Can

I have so much to write, and I have been thinking about writing this post since I was inspired by a few things I read, so I wanted to make sure I got this into words. I was doing my reading – the reading I do for my self work – and two readings inspired me.

The first was about someone learning that they were being too critical of other people when their sibling told them "they're doing the best they can." I can be that critical person. I try to keep it positive, but people get on my nerves for insignificant little things, and I am the first to criticize about something that, were I to find someone said the same about me, would make be feel hurt. I think I got this reading at just the right time – it was something I should think of every day.

The second reading had to do with someone who didn't know what they liked or didn't like because, as a child, all their choices were made for them – what to eat, what to wear, what to think. This made me aware of something that my last boyfriend and I shared in common. I have talked about being annoyed by the fact that I had no choice when it came to what we would watch on TV because he controlled the TV. I had said this was a personality issue he had. Yes, I can say it was an issue, but this reading made me more fully aware of why he did it, and put me in a place to be more forgiving. You see, I realized that his making such strong choices was because he was not able to make them as a child (or even in his last marriage, from what he told me.) This was his own way of saying "this is who I am" and I have to respect that, now that I realize where it came from.

I do remember when we were together, I had asked him to turn the thermostat down in the hotel room that we were in, and he told me he wasn't sure if he would do it correctly, because he was never allowed to do it before. He said everyone else told him he did it wrong. I thought that was so sad – how wrong could it be if it was just a little colder or warmer than you like it? It's no wonder that he had to put his foot down in other ways (such as controlling the TV).

I think the first step in forgiveness is understanding, and I am beginning to understand a lot more. This helps as I move on with my life.

Overcoming Unhappiness

I was talking to myself in the car again today. I find myself doing this more and more, trying to overcome this pervading sense of failure that I have felt since the breakup. There is sadness that I am dealing with, but when I really think about it, there is mostly a sense of failure.

I talk to myself to convince myself I have not failed; I am not a failure in relationships. I went over the past three relationships and when I look at them clearly, taking out this filter of failure that I use to view anything in my life that does not go as I expect it to, I come down to something that has less to do with me and much, much more to do with them.

All three men were unhappy. They sometimes said it, but mostly they expressed it through how they talked about their lives, as if their own lives were failures. I don't believe that they were failures, but I do see that they were unhappy. Even the way they carried themselves – eyes generally downcast, shoulders slumped – just told the world they were unhappy.

Each had left someone because they were unhappy, and each told me they were so happy to have found me. Each thought I was the answer to their prayers, the person who make their lives worth living. And each left me when they discovered at some point they were no longer happy.

Now there is only so much I am capable of, and one thing I cannot do is be responsible for someone else's happiness (although I think, deep inside, I have felt that I could; that I could fix these poor souls somehow. That I could make them happy.)

But it is an impossible task that I am forever trying to take on. I look at my last relationship as a perfect example. According to what he told me, he was unhappy with his wife, so he left her. He was unhappy with the girl he met after that, so he left her. He was unhappy with me, so he left me. Who knows who else he has been with since then, but, I am betting he has or will leave them after feeling he is unhappy with them. Beyond that, he does not have a happy relationship with his mother or his sister, and even his daughter does not seem to be the happiest person, either. We have a world of unhappiness here that has gone on since before I met him, and will, most probably, continue on, until he chooses to look inside to see what makes him most unhappy.

So why do I, or did I feel that this was my problem? I have my own stuff to deal with, and I am dealing with it as I go along. But this is not my stuff. I did not make him unhappy, and I could not make him happy. That was another case of my trying to fix something that is beyond my scope.

Now that I am working on myself, I have a better idea of what I need to do. If I get into a relationship, I hope it is not one that I jump into trying to fix someone's past so they can be happy. However, if I do end up in with someone like this, I will hope to know that I am not responsible for their happiness. That is their journey. I have my own.

What Is Behind Curtain #3?

I have been having some strange premonitions lately. Actually, I should say good ones, not strange ones.

First, I should say that I don't always get premonitions, but when I do, they are pretty strong and they work as guideposts for me. I have had these feelings about something better coming up in my life. It may not happen soon, but I really feel it will happen.

I have had some feelings that my life was going to turn around for the past couple of years. This was due, I'll admit, to my Tarot card readings, which kept pointing to a better future for my career. However, these premonitions don't have to do specifically with my career, but more with my overall happiness. And, dare I say it, love.

I can sense from what I am getting that I will be in a much happier, comfortable place than I've ever known. The most important thing is to let go and let it happen.

Healing

I have been reading more inspirational literature before I go to sleep, just to help me as I try to become a better person. I read several pieces from the book last night, but two seemed as if they had been written specifically for me, right now

The first was about feeling free to be yourself; the second was about healing from being betrayed. I read the first and agreed with everything I read there. I had been becoming someone I really wasn't, just to please someone else. I have noticed in the past few weeks that I am doing more and more of what I want to do and am being more comfortable with who I am, instead of straining to be the person someone would have wanted me to be. Granted, I did pick up some good habits from this relationship. For example, I make the bed right away in the morning instead of waiting, and I do pick up more (although right now, things are a bit scattered after my busy day yesterday, but I am okay with this, too).

The healing from betrayal really caught me by surprise, though. It was an acknowledgement that sometimes we are betrayed and hurt by the people we least expect it from. I think of it this way: it's as if someone who is normally responsible has taken this priceless and precious artifact that is our heart, and has carelessly handled it, breaking it in the process. It wasn't that they set out to do this, but a bit more care could have been used when handling this artifact. Now it is broken, and it is up to me to get past this careless move and heal.

What really resonated with me was the part that said, in effect, that sometimes we have not finished healing from past betrayals and hurts before taking on a new one, and we need to fully heal the breaks in our heart to move on. This was the best piece of inspirational advice that I could receive, and it is advice that I will take to heart – to my broken, but healing heart.

Dealing with Memories

I found the ticket stub from the Big E Fair, one of the last events that Paul and I went to. It had fallen off the table; I thought it was just a receipt, but when I picked it up, I realized what it was. I suppose I should have just thrown in out, but I couldn't. It was one of the last memories we had.

It wasn't just the fair. That wasn't all that exciting, although it was nice to attend since I hadn't gotten to the fair for at least ten years (and now, I realize, I probably won't be back there again.) The weekend was fun, if somewhat painful. I mean actually painful – my hips were so sore from walking so much that I could barely move by that evening. When we left the fair, he drove me to Northhampton where we tried to book a room in one of the hotels in town. It was exorbitantly expensive, so we ended up in one of the chain hotels located a bit more on the outskirts.

We walked (ugh!) through the town, and found a place to eat after checking out nearly every restaurant on the main street. And it was nice – another different place, the type of place that we liked to try out. And although we didn't get much sleep that night, due to a rowdy group of college students in a block of rooms above us, it was still a memorable time. For me, at least.

I wonder – maybe if I had been the one to break up, maybe these memories wouldn't hurt so much. Maybe I'd be further along, and I wouldn't feel this pang when I saw things such as the sign for Assonet, MA, remembering how he laughed at me for pronouncing it ASS – oh – net instead of ah-SAHN-et. Maybe I would actually know and wouldn't have to continually remind myself that I am better off now, moving forward, looking towards a better life in another town, away from all these memories.

What Each Brings

Immediately after my recent breakup, I talked to my best friend (the one I keep talking on and on about; I can't help it – I'm excited about moving back!) Anyway, the best piece of advice she gave me was telling me that "perhaps my last boyfriend was just there to bring me to the next part of my journey." In other words, he was part of my journey, but not the journey itself.

The other night when I called her, I talked about those lessons or parts of the journey that each of the men in my life have brought. It would be easy for me to stay angry and say that I wished I had never met them, never married, etc. But if I hadn't met them, I would have lost out on important parts of my life. For example, because of my first husband, I have my son, who is more important to me than anything else in this world! Because of my second husband, I completed my education, because he was there to cheer me on, supporting me emotionally (something I did not get from my first marriage; additionally, without that support, I probably would not have continued on.) Because of my last relationship, not only did I enjoy the company of someone who was warm and demonstrably affectionate in public, but also helped me get my car in a condition that allowed me to get to work in a new job that could open doors for me.

So, yes, each brought something to my life that I need to keep myself open to. They were important parts of my journey, the journey I will continue on until I die.

Dancing in the Living Room

Yesterday was a very, very tough day. I had to make the effort to call my son's dad regarding the tuition payment. This is always difficult, because he makes it more difficult than it needs to be. He is so distrustful of anyone, particularly when it comes to money, and because of this, he is very confrontational. I also found out yesterday that he is not even aware of how confrontational he is.

The conversation started out as usual. Although he wasn't pleasant (he never is; I've enjoyed root canals more than I have enjoyed talking with him), I'll just say he wasn't quite as unpleasant as usual. He agreed to make his payment, then agreed (I thought) to get the parent plus loan that I would pay him back. Well, somehow, I guess I didn't read his mind, because even though I had told him that I could still not get the loan because of my credit, he became very upset that I wouldn't do this, and told me he didn't want to pay the loan (which, I assured him, he wouldn't be doing). This started it off. And then it got worse. I let go with a barrage of anger that I had stored up in my for the past 25 years or so (from when we were still married to now). I couldn't stop, and when he shut down and didn't talk (as he always does) I gave him the ultimatum - let me know if you will agree to the loan or I will just tell Andrew that he's coming home and not going back. And I hung up the phone. And then I cried.

The first person I wanted to talk to was my old boyfriend because, in my (probably faulty) memories, I thought he would make me feel better. Then I got smart and called my best friend.

When I called, she had music on in the background, and explained that her husband and son were dancing in the living room and wanted her to join. It was such a contrast to my situation. I just wanted to be there, right now. It was refreshing, and it put me in such a much better mood. I assured her that I am definitely moving out there this summer, and we made plans.

That conversation turned my whole mood around. When my son's dad called back, I was able to deal with the attitude. Only a few months more and I'll be there. I'll be back where I should be - dancing in the living room.

The Real Me

Last night, before I fell asleep, I had a memory from when I was younger. It was about a gift my best friend had given me: a collection of different types of teas and honey. I don't know why, but the memory of the flavor of those teas and the honey just came back to me. It made be aware of who I was, or really, who I am.

I have strayed so far from that person that I started out as. The one who enjoyed simple pleasures. The one who was just a bit different and reveled in this. The writer, the creative spirit.

Okay, yes, I still feel creative, but I doubt myself so much more now than I used to. And enjoying the simple things like tea and friendship? I have found friends who similarly enjoy these basic pleasures, but they seem few and far between.

Is it possible to go back to where I was, to who I was? It seems hard – so many years have passed. But I do think it is. I think I can start over, start from the beginning.

Who says you can't go home?

What Do I Really Want?

I have this feeling that I have someone looking out for me You can call this being a guardian angel, higher power, whatever. I just know he or she is there and has saved me in the past by taking me out of relationships that might have put my life at risk, ruined me financially and/or destroyed my reputation.

I have been looking back on my life and just beginning to realize the danger that this being has gotten me out of. And I imagine I drive it crazy with my choices, my need to force solutions. I think if I were able to have a discussion with this being, I could hear them asking me "What do you really want?" Two or three weeks ago, I would have answered I want to be back with my boyfriend. But now I know that's not what I really want. What I want is the warmth and the love and the feeling that I was special to someone, without the "issues" No, I'm not saying I want some perfect relationship that doesn't exist; one without problems. What I do want is someone who will work together with me on the problems, rather than ignoring them and/or running away.

And my being, my angel, my whatever would answer me "that is exactly what I have in store for you. You just have to do one thing."

"What's that?" I would respond.

"You need to wait and let me take care of it. You need to trust me to make it happen when you are ready for it to happen. In other words, you need to let go. Can you do that?"

"For my personal happiness?"

"Yes, happiness that you have never fully experienced before? Ca you do that?"

I would probably think for a minute, because this whole concept of letting go is tough for me. On the outside, I know I would let go. But the inside, the part that makes unhealthy choices – that would need to be shut down. In order to do that, I would need to remember, to re-experience all the pain, and to realize how much more content I am when I do let go.

And in the end, I hope and I pray that my response will be an unequivocal Yes!

Cleansing

I did a sort of emotional cleansing process today, and strangely enough it was rather…cleansing. Since my old boyfriend will not talk to me and/or explain in any greater detail the reason for the breakup, I wrote out a letter to him with all the anger that I had been carrying around inside me over the past few weeks. Then I printed out his picture.

I took both in hand and read the letter to the picture, adding a few more comments that I hadn't included originally, telling him how upset I was that I felt that he led me on to believe he really cared for me, when, obviously, he didn't, and I felt deceived, and there was so much more. After all was said and done, and I had a good cry, I lit both the picture and the letter on fire and put them in the wood stove to burn.

And then, I felt as if the anger I had been feeling went away with the smoke. I may never know the real reason he left, but at least I can feel better about myself.

7:30 a.m.

I heard the phone ringing early today – too early to be one of my creditors trying to collect money. I got up quickly because I realized it must be the plumber who I had called yesterday evening, shortly after the gas company shut my gas off because of a leak, and informed me I needed a plumber to fix a pipe.

This was just one more thing for me, and I wondered how much more crap I could take. Considering all that I've gone through in the past month (see Is This a Test?), I don't think there's much more that I can deal with. But here I am, dealing with one more problem. I guess that's what life is all about, right? Dealing with one problem after another, and only the strong survive.

Last night I barely slept, thinking and worrying about everything that I have absolutely no control over. Well, okay, I have taken control of a few things. I worked with the college to get my payments on a more regular schedule. I got the bank to agree to wait just a bit more for my mortgage payment, and felt better knowing that they were willing to talk to me if I still had a problem paying.

Yes, I know people have it much worse than I do. There are people who are losing or have lost their homes because of unpaid medical bills. There are people dealing with family members who have died. There is so much more for some people, and I gain strength knowing that they have survived much more than what I am dealing with right now.

And I know it is just one day, and just one event, and even though it seems as if this is endless, I realize that this too, will pass, and one day I will look back at all this and realize how strong I was. I hope it will be something I will be proud of; how I survived and kept going, instead of giving in.

Being Good to Me

One of the best things that I have learned through working a program that is helpful to me is that, although I have a great deal of work to do on myself, I don't need to do it all in one day. I should take time to be good to myself, to spoil myself, and comfort myself when necessary.

Last night brought another awareness that hit out of the blue. I used to hate these things because they were so painful, but now I know they are bringing me to a better place, to a healthier place. I read some of my literature and the information was so specific to me, it seemed as if I had written it. It was about being a people pleaser, and why someone would do this. I don't think I was fully aware until that moment of why I did what I did.

Specifically, it referred to wanting to please one's parents, to know that if they liked you, then you must be okay. I can see now that I did that in my childhood. I was one of six children, and while I don't mention this to comment on whether I had good or bad parents, I will say that, at times, I did feel lost in the family. There was a lot going on, and I'm sure my parents struggled to give us all attention, but when your family is dealing with problems, you tend to get lost in the shuffle a bit.

My way of coping with this was twofold. I would tell myself its okay, and deny my feelings. Then I would do whatever I could to be a good, happy child so that they would care about me. This doesn't mean what I was doing was wrong. But the issue is that I still do this today- I shut out my own feelings for someone else, and do what I can to please them, just so they will care about me. That's not right, and that is one of the important areas I am focusing on.

I know I am a good person, deserving of love regardless of who I am. I am feeling this confidence grow inside me each day. Telling myself this on an ongoing basis is one of the ways that I intend to be good to myself.

Look on the Bright Side

Today I am tired because for some reason I couldn't sleep last night (I think the full moon was actually so bright it kept me awake!) However, I've decided to just get into work a little later. That is one thing I am grateful for right now – that I work for people who are very easygoing about my work hours, as long as I make them up. I am also getting paid today at that job, because I have people who have been pulling for me, giving me guidance to help work through the system so that I can get paid in a more reasonable fashion. I have thanked them and will continue to do so, because it's great to have them on my side.

I am also making a very nice pot roast for dinner in the crock pot, which I am figuring will be fork tender by the time I get home from work this afternoon. Right now it smells great, and I can't wait to have it tonight. It makes me feel as if I am doing something good, succeeding at something that I haven't been able to do much of over the past year (I am looking on the bright side, so I won't get into why. I'm just glad I'm getting back to this part of me that, in the past, always made me feel good about myself.)

Friends and family have been contacting me, keeping in touch, making sure I'm okay. That is a blessing that I am definitely grateful for.

I can choose to focus on the negative things in my life that make or have made me unhappy. Or I can focus on the positive things, the things that buoy me up, the little successes and the fulfillments. Hmmm…tough choice. I think I know where I'll be working to focus my thoughts from now on!

Trusting Myself

I had a big eye-opening awareness this morning about the break up. I think it had to do with trust. He always said I needed to trust him, and got aggravated that I didn't. And it was true – it's not fair to put upon someone else my leftover issues from the past relationship. I will admit to this. But, although I may be justifying my actions, he did do a few things that opened up that trust issue Pandora's box, such as admitting to me that, on occasion, he had lied to me about his whereabouts. And then there was how he constantly told me I should be with someone better, which made me think he was trying to find a way to back out of the relationship. But I digress.

I will admit that one of the biggest problems was that I got into this last relationship waaaaay too soon after my husband left. There was a lot that I needed to process that I didn't give myself a chance to do, since I was escaping into the newest relationship (sorry I keep repeating this word – can't find another word in the thesaurus to describe it!) And when you escape, you don't look into your issues until they come back and hit you with full force. I've said that before in this blog (probably using the reference to describe someone else since I wouldn't look at my own stuff.)

But one thing I did today made me realize that I am doing some good work and making progress. I have been wanting to send my last boyfriend some of his stuff and include a letter. I've been debating whether to send with the letter (that would express how I was feeling) or bring it to him in person (and, again, express how I was feeling). I wanted to do it today or tomorrow.

I decided, however, to wait until I did some more work on myself and let things settle out a bit more, sort of a "don't just do something, sit there!" choice which is actually healthy. I will have more time to consider my actions and make certain (or try to make certain) that I am doing the right thing.

All I know is that it seems that taking this step back is a very smart thing for me to do.

What is Wrong with Me

I know it hasn't been a long time since the break up, and I should take it easy on myself. But I have to wonder- what is wrong with me? No, not what is wrong with me meaning why did he leave me. But what is wrong with me still hanging on, and not letting go yet. I mean, this wasn't the greatest relationship, and I know as soon as I let go I will see how much better things can be for me. So why am I holding on?

Evenings are tough. Maybe it was the scheduled calls, which, after a while, felt like just that. Nothing there emotionally from his end,; just the need to fulfill a promise, so he continued to call. And obviously he was not interested, but not strong enough to say anything. That was one thing I disliked the most – that there was this total lack of honesty. I guess what I was hurt by the most was the deception. At this point I don't know what was real and what was a convenient lie, just to make things seem as if they were okay.

This is the reality of how things really were, and maybe I need to face that in order to move on.

Friends and Family

After I finished my conversation with my mother last night, I sat for a moment and cried quietly. Then when I pulled myself together and came back to the family room, my son could see I had been crying. He asked if there was anything wrong; if my mother and I had an argument or something. I told him, no; I was crying because I realized how supportive she was of me, and how good it was to have family in my life. One more way to process this whole thing, I guess.

It got me thinking how lucky I am. When this breakup happened, I went immediately to my best friend and my family for support. Although they are hundreds of miles away physically, emotionally and spiritually they are right here with me, buoying me up, holding me until I can make it again.

My ex boyfriend doesn't have that same support. That seems so sad to me. His family is physically closer, but when it comes to support in a situation like this, well, they're not really there for him. He couldn't even spend Thanksgiving with them in spite of the fact they are only a 2 hour drive, because of the ongoing fight between several family members.

And friends – well, maybe he has some at work, but he has told me himself, he's not too close to them. No life long best friends who he can call and talk to. The only long term friend he has (besides me, and obviously that connection is lost) is his last wife and I'm sure she won't exactly be a sympathetic ear for this situation.

I know men deal with breakups differently than women, but I would think they need someone to talk to at some point. And it made me realize that this was at least one of the reasons he goes from one relationship to another. Because the next relationship gives him a new person to confide in when he's burned all his old bridges. And I never realized until last night how unfortunate and sad but true that is.

I was thinking all along that he was the lucky one, being able to make this decision to break up and move on, when here I am, all the more fortunate to have support to help me move on, and grow and change and bend as a flower towards a brighter day tomorrow.

Trust

I got pulled into the whole "why did this have to happen" whirlpool of insanity again last night. I find my mind going over and over everything, and then coming up with possible reasons for the break up, because I don't have anything to go on except some feeble excuse that he gave me.

The most plausible excuse goes back to his issues with his mother. I can accept this. It seems reasonable enough, and it lets him off the hook a bit, as it makes him look as if he was trying to protect me from what he saw as a potentially worse situation (i.e., his mother using me in some respect.) And it allows me to look at him and know that he will suffer even more from this situation (built on his own choices) than I will as I continue to move past this.

But if I could go back to the beginning, I would tell myself to trust my instincts. There were so many places I went wrong, so many bad choices I made that I need to take responsibility for. This painful break up was just another lesson that I needed to learn.

For example, next time someone tells me "I'm not a good person", "I'm not normal", "you deserve someone better", I will take note. I will listen. These are not the words of the emotionally healthy person that I want in my life, that I deserve to be with. No, these are statements made by someone unhappy with himself, someone I should know that I can't trust. Trust – that's what I need. I need someone I can trust. Why couldn't I see that I couldn't trust this man? After all, not only did he admit to me he has done some bad things, he also made me aware of the lies he told to his mother, sister, daughter and grandchildren. He even had some of them lie for him. Does this sound like a decent, trustworthy guy?

I know it will be a while – probably a long while – before I get involved with someone again. But I will make certain it is with someone who is not unhappy with himself. It will be with someone who is decent. It will be with someone I can trust.

“And, On Those Cold Winter Nights, Horace”

I love the song "So Long, Dearie" from "Hello, Dolly". I used to often think of this song after I left my first husband. It was Dolly Levi's parting remarks to the miserly Horace Vandergelder (I often made – and make – reference to my ex's stinginess. In fact, each Christmas I wait for him to be visited by the three ghosts.)

I found out that he is now dating his own Dolly Levi, someone who understands that "Money is like manure, it is not worth anything until it is spread around, encouraging little things to grow." I am hoping that she can have some effect on my ex, and possibly, finally, shame him into spending a bit more money on his only son.

Maybe I'm not supposed to enjoy this, but, I'll admit that I do. I believe in the Rolling Stones lyric "you can't always get what you want…but you get what you need". I've said it before that Karma is a bitch; there is just something to appreciate in seeing it come around. I know others will experience theirs (as I have experienced my own!) Life has a way of giving you what you need, and if you don't learn the lesson the first time, there's always plenty more lessons it is willing to give, until you throw your hands up and say "Okay! I give! I'll learn whatever you need m to learn!"

The best thing about these lessons? Once learned happiness soon follows!

Where I’m From

The place where I moved her from, the houses have front porches. Not the front porches you find in the McMansions, tacked onto the house to make it resemble Americana, made to look like the people inside actually spend time there, when everyone knows they spend their time inside watching television in air-conditioned comfort, when they're not at the malls.

No, these are real front porches. My best friend has a wrap around porch. On summer nights when I have visited, we've eaten meals on that porch, and sat out on the rockers in front and talked until late into the night. There is something real about those conversations, about that way of life. There is something real about those people. Yes, they are not all perfect, but there is something to be said about people who don't really care about what's popular – the latest fashion or technology. They care about each other.

My best friend is very caring, very real. She has been my best friend since I was 13, which means we've been friends for nearly 40 years. She has always been there for me, knowing what to say when I'm down; well, just knowing the right thing to do.

And so, when she suggested I come back to visit this summer to heal after the last breakup nearly tore me apart, I knew what I needed to do. First, I planned a visit. Then I decided on much more. She has been trying to get me back there for so long (even when I was married and couldn't move from the state!) And now that I don't have anything holding me here at all, I am going back this summer, to move, and, hopefully, to stay.

Some part of me has known all along that this is where I belong. When I dream about where I would like to be, this place has always been a part of my dreams. I've nearly lost that dream several times because I traded my dream for someone else's. But I've never completely given up. Something has always held me there, pushed me, guided me. In fact, that's exactly how I feel – guided back by some unseen force. I think this is what everything I've been doing has been leading up to.

I'm going home.

Just a Small Change

Sometimes some small event can make a change in your whole attitude and push you into a new mindset. I was walking on campus today, coming back to work after grabbing lunch. There were very few people on campus as it is the day before Thanksgiving and most are already home or on their way there.

As I walked along, I realized a college student – a young, attractive man, probably in his early 20's – was catching up to me. He said hello, and I, as always, gave a friendly greeting back. I thought that was it. But he continued, striking up a conversation. Now, I'll admit, part of me wondered if he was going to ask for money, or thought I was some big administrator on campus.

But most of me was quite flattered to have the attention. The whole event only lasted for a few minutes, but it came just when I needed it. I don't know why he chose me to talk to – whether it was attraction, or merely politeness. But, in any case, it got me past that feeling that I was unlovable. It made me feel special. I think it happened for a reason, just to let me know there is something better out there for me.

Is This A Test?

In the past month I have: started a new job, gone a month without a paycheck, negotiated with as many of my overdue accounts to assure them that payment would come soon, paid massive overdraft fees while waiting for those checks, and dealt with covering the high cost for repair for a broken, leaking water heater. Oh, yeah, and dealt with the break up of a serious relationship.

I thought about it yesterday. Maybe I am being tested. Before I started working on myself, any one of these things would have set me into a panic, but here I am, dealing with them in a mature manner. Yes, the break up still affects me – it has only been two weeks. But I am getting past that fantasy that he will show up on my doorstep one day, take me in his arms and tell me he was wrong and how sorry he was.

I am getting past that because I am becoming aware that I don't want to be with someone who would just break off a relationship without taking the time to talk and/or work on it. I am aware that this is not the type of relationship that I want to be in. It does hurt knowing that both my last husband and my last boyfriend are already in relationships. I'll admit, though, that there is some satisfaction knowing that both have left the relationship before me, leaving someone hurt and devastated as they did me, and they will continue to do the same (possibly with the person that they are currently with) unless they decide to make changes to themselves. And I don't mean to judge – I know I have my own issues to deal with. It just helps to know that these are emotionally unhealthy people, trying to fill themselves with unsatisfying relationships, and no matter what I did, it would have ended up the same way eventually. I can look at this when I am wondering what I could have done to keep either of them. The truth is, there was nothing I could do. It would have happened because it was supposed to happen.

The only thing I can do is learn from it and move on.

Move On

I've been through this whole break up process, so I should be used to the pain by now. I am at the point of acceptance with my last marriage. It's not a completely comfortable place, but it is definitely a place of accepting what happened for what happened. I wish I were at that point for this relationship. I wish I didn't have to go through all the stuff I know I will have to go through in order to move on.

I wonder when I will reach the point where seeing his town on the weather map will not only not make me wince, but will no longer cause me to react. I wonder when I will stop getting stuck thinking about the good parts of our relationship, and remember there were plenty of reasons for me NOT to want to stay in the relationship, if only I had had the guts to break up.

And that brings me to an aha! moment. I had mentioned to him, more than once, something that he did that made me unhappy, and I nearly left, but he convinced me to stay. And yet, if I mentioned this now, he would have said that he was helping me by breaking up when he did. What I realized he was doing was taking control – if he could be the one breaking up, he had control, just as he did for so many parts of our relationship (something I chafed against). I mean, what else can you say about someone who continuously asked where I wanted to eat, and then when I told him would disapprove of my choice and make the choice himself. The best was when he asked me what I wanted – I said "hamburgers" and he took me to a Chinese restaurant.

So, I can go on and on about his control issues (which, undoubtedly, came out of childhood where he had no say or control of his life). But I want to let go of this and move on. When will this happen? When can I finally laugh at all this, or at the very least see how crazy this relationship was?

One day, I know. One day.

The Awareness

I feel much better today, even though I have been experiencing the old anger issues with a vengeance (no pun intended). I am learning this time around that I really need to go through all the stages of grief and truly experience them in order to become a better person.

I had an awareness early this weekend, but wasn't really able to put into words what exactly that awareness was until now. I have spent a good deal of this blog focusing the blame on others while playing the victim and focusing the positive attention on myself. I am now aware of that part of the blame that I carry in these failed relationships. I just recently realized and admitted to myself that I got into this past relationship to escape the pain of the breakup of my marriage. I justified my actions by saying this was a good thing, and who knows when happiness will come into your life, and all that…stuff. These weekends were an escape for me, a place where I didn't have to think about those issues of my day-to-day life. Paul and I used to call our time together our "oasis". That in itself signified that it was an escape.

But beyond the daily issues, I came to realize that I was escaping having to go through the necessary stages of grief that I needed to do. I was escaping the work I needed to do on myself. I was using the relationship to fill me, to fill that void. The relationship was my addiction.

As with all good (or, actually, bad) addictions, I became hooked on that good feeling. I didn't even see that in order to hang onto that good feeling, I was selling pieces of who I was. I was so codependent that I ignored that I was giving up defining parts of my life and taking on parts of his, just to keep him happy. It starts out small: "that's okay, we don't really need to watch my movie", "no, I really do enjoy watching whatever you like, just being with you is enough", "I don't mind if you have mood swings – I'm sure you have a very stressful life." And then I agree to more, to other things that I don't wish to discuss. And then I need to make myself feel better, because I won't admit that my selling my soul is making me unhappy, so I bring in one of my other addictions to cover (mine generally comes in the form of a glass of wine).

And although I won't admit it, I am actually better off when the guy breaks off the relationship because I'm just not fun anymore, even though I'm twisting and contorting myself in knots just to please him, not realizing that, yes, I am unhappy.

So, I am in "relationship detox" where I've been for the past two weeks. And I am actually feeling better. Some days are better than others, but they are my days. And right now, that's enough to satisfy me.

Back into Life

I forgot to write here yesterday. It is the first time since the break up last week, and since this has been my therapy, it came as a bit of a surprise to me.

But, reflecting on it, I could see why. I was so involved with my present life that I didn't have time to pine about the past. Yesterday I got myself up bright and early and focused on what I was going to do that day (primarily work). Then I had theatre at night, and preparations for my son's return for the Thanksgiving holiday. That is something that makes me happy; a nice positive thing to focus on!

I still find myself stuck in the past, but I am seeing the more I get away from the breakup, the more I see how unhealthy the relationship was, and how much better off I am as I am right now.

What am I Missing, Really?

It's been one week since the break up and I am doing better. Mornings I take my mind off the usual morning emails I used to get by writing in this journal/blog and exercising. Evenings I try to take my mind off the evening calls I used to get by keeping myself busy with a project, meeting, or, again, my exercising. The exercise not only gives me a diversion, but also ups my good chemical levels (can't remember what they are right now!), so I feel better.

But in the middle of the night when I wake up and can't get back to sleep, I often find myself stuck back in the "why did this have to happen" mindset. And to get myself out of that place, I ask myself "what am I missing, really?" Yes, we had a decent relationship and he was a good guy. I enjoyed talking with him and how warm and affectionate he could be. But I have to remind myself of his dark, or rather, sullen moods that, even from the early months, would just come out of nowhere. Not that he would take anything out on me. Just that he would almost shut down and shut me out, and since I always take these things on myself (being the people pleaser that I am), I always wondered if I did something wrong. He would assure me that I hadn't, and I probably didn't, but those mood changes should have served as a red flag that something was wrong.

And then there was the boredom. When we first dated, we would go everywhere, even if it was just to the beach to walk around. By the end, we spent more and more time just watching television (usually the same movies – his choice – that we would see over and over again). Several times I mentioned going for a walk in the park and he would agree, but then change his mind, saying that he wasn't feeling up to it.

So there I was, bored and feeling this vague sense of discomfort (at times) and so I ask myself again: what am I missing? Or what was keeping me there? Friendship and a relationship, I suppose, but mostly loneliness. I didn't want to be alone; I was tired of being on this coast with no family and few friends. I knew, on some level, that this wasn't the best relationship, and there were times that, I admit, I almost left (there were a few other red flags – once I would have walked out for good if I had a car available, because of the childish way he behaved when he didn't have my full attention.) But I think I continued on just because I didn't want to be alone.

I can seek out friends so that I don't feel so lonely. I am having a better relationship with myself. And I can continue to focus on the future, where all things are possible, where, as my best friend has said, I could find a better relationship by just allowing it to happen rather than making it happen.

Insatiable

I may have commented in one of my posts last year about the need for some of us to use another person to fill ourselves up. By that, I meant that when we experience this void, this emptiness within ourselves we look to others and other things to fill it up. That is what addiction is, in a nutshell.

I think on some level I knew, and yet I was still a bit surprised to learn this week that relationships could be an addiction. I knew about the need of those who have an empty hole inside, left from some childhood issue, to seek someone to take care of them. I didn't realize that need was an addiction, but now it does make sense.

I have commented on others in my life (primarily my past two relationships) who, subconsciously, needed me to fill that hole left by their mothers. What I didn't realize was that I was using relationships to fill some hole inside me. Some 10 or 12 years back I had spent a great deal of time online, making online friends. When a friend of mine discovered this, she said to me "I didn't realize you were so lonely." That comment has stayed with me. Yes, it is lonely here by myself, and I have been seeking companionship to fill that void, which is why I was trying to go out and find someone.

It has taken me all this time to realize that I don't want to do that anymore, and I don't have to. I have friends – here as well as back home. I have put them on the outer limits of my life while I tried to fill myself with one relationship after another. But I have made a choice to turn to my friends for support instead of my relationships. And with the support of my friends, I am getting to know the best person I could possibly ever meet – me.

Trying to Stay in the Present (While Dreaming About the Future)

The big work for myself this week: keep myself focused on the present. That has always been a problem of mine. When I am in a break up situation, such as the one I am going through now, I have a tendency to stay stuck in the past, going over and over events in my head, wondering if things would have turned out better if only I did this, or if only I did that. Well, at least I've been at this long enough to know that no matter what I could or would have done, it would have ended up in the same place eventually, because this is where I am supposed to be, right now.

Then, of course, to try to escape my present predicament, I focus on the future. I'm going to be better, smarter, happier, etc. And that could all be true, but it won't be if I don't work on myself, right now.

10-20 sit ups in one day aren't a lot, but over time they will help me tone up to where I am comfortable in my jeans. Going to one self help meeting may not make a big change in my life, but over time, if I keep myself open to what I am there to learn, and continue to attend, I can become a much better person. And one resume sent out to the area of the country where I want to move may not get me to where I want to be, but with time and research, I can become open to having dreams come true.

The Winds of Change

I just watched a news item on TV about working out and losing weight. Generally, I would ignore those items because I had no desire to exercise, but now that I am back into doing all those good things for me, I watched. I was glad to see that, according to this, I am doing the good stuff. I am walking much, much more, and I am using an exercise ball to help me out in my workouts (side note – I have to say that I love my exercise ball! It makes my workouts so much easier!) I am feeling some change, even though I have only been doing this for a little over a week.

Funny how a little change to my life can make me feel so much better! I know that have some big life changes coming down the line, and I feel that by doing these little changes, I am preparing for the big change. And just knowing that the winds of change are blowing in my life makes me feel so much better. I still feel weighed down with sadness over the breakup, but there is this part of me that I can see inside that is bright and shining and is buoyed by all the positive changes.

I don't exactly know how this big change will happen. I am going to try to stay out of its way and let it happen. What I know is that I need to put things in place to make it happen, do the work, even if it's just little things. They all add up.

Do I sound a bit more excited? I am!

Leave Me – Don’t Leave Me!

I haven't yet written the letter I have been composing in my mind that is to go with the check that I will be sending to Paul shortly. I want to wait until things settle out a bit. I have been doing a great deal of introspection lately, and this, along with allowing myself to fully experience the grieving process, has been helpful. I know I am not yet ready to write the letter I want to write, but I know I am getting close.

One thing I have been questioning myself about is how did I get so involved in this relationship and what was my role in its demise? Originally, when I made the choice to get out of the house and seek some sort of companionship, I know I didn't want a full relationship. There was a part of me that knew that this was not right for me. And as this relationship progressed, there was always a part of me that felt that I was compromising myself, who I really was and what I really wanted. But why?

I thought I was emotionally healthy. Yes, I was unhappy at points and did cry often, but in retrospect, this has been a very difficult year for me! My husband left a year and a half ago (and only a few months before I got involved – too soon – in this relationship). I was broke – I debated daily whether to file for bankruptcy, and became financially dependent on Paul because he offered to help me and I saw it as an interest-free loan that would help me in the short term. I was finishing up my third year of graduate school which I had entered late in life, and, again, debated whether it was wise for me to remain when I could barely pay my bills, or cut my losses and just get back into the work force. So, yes, I had some big things going on in my life, and that did not make me an easy person to deal with.

But why did I hold on so strongly to this relationship in spite of the face that I knew there were elements in it that made me unhappy and did not fit in with who I was? I mean, I kept telling Paul that if he wanted to leave me, I would let him go and not cause problems (and, although I had some not so wonderful reactions when I got the news, I continue to hold on to this promise and will continue to work at just letting go). But throughout the relationship, I joked constantly about his leaving me, which was actually a semi-serious way of begging "Don't Leave Me!" And why was this? Because I needed to know that I was lovable, that I was someone who could and should be loved. That came about because of my abandonment fears, something I very honestly talked about with Paul. Obviously I had not worked out my issues from my marriage (specifically, my husband just leaving) and on some level, I needed Paul to stay so that I knew that I was an okay person. So, I am realizing now, I twisted myself around and compromised some of my ideals just to keep him with me so I would know I'm okay.

Sad, I know. But now I want to work on myself again, so that I don't have to get that feeling from an outside source – it will come from within. And I am starting to feel better about myself and love myself more – each day brings a new lesson

For Every Action

I can't believe how much better I am feeling already. It has only been three days since the break up, but I am starting to see my life in a whole new way. Although it still hurts that Paul made this decision to leave so quickly, I have to realize that this may be a trait that runs in his family. He used to tell me his mother would do the same thing – make a 180 degree snap decision on something for no given reason.

But this decision he made has set things in motion in my life. I can feel the winds of change blowing already. It is as if this decision was a large marble plunked into a group of smaller marbles that make up the components of my life, and those marbles went flying in many directions, just as my own life could take off in a completely different direction. I am actually sort of excited knowing that I could finally realize a dream that I had started hoping for 26 years ago. Now I might have an opportunity to see that dream to its fruition! And I wouldn't have even considered it as a possibility if I hadn't been so broken up by the break up that I turned to my best friend for advice!

I know I have to let things take their course, but who knows what might happen in the next six months!

The Mind is a Terrible Thing

It is amazing what that grey lump of matter can do. I am well aware of what the mind can do, the messages it can give that override the normal thinking process. After all, my normal, more healthy thinking process tells me to let go and focus on myself, but my mind tells me to stay stuck focusing on this failed relationship.

I have to say this – I know from experience what it is like to have low self esteem issues that cause the brain to override the positive feelings you have for someone, and send messages that you need to get out of this relationship right away. I've been there. The weird thing is that you are certain you are doing the right thing, you are saving yourself by leaving, but don't realize that it is your low self esteem taking control, trying to get you to leave someone because, subconsciously, you feel you are not good enough for this relationship.

The way this works is as follows: you fall head over heels for someone, and are willing to overlook their flaws. Now, in a normal relationship, in time you begin to see the flaws but weigh them against your general happiness. If you are fairly happy, you overlook the flaws and/or talk to the person about issues you might have. In other words, you communicate.

When you have low self esteem, however, you begin to focus on the flaws rather than the overall picture. Something that seemed small and insignificant suddenly seems like a huge problem, and instead of discussing it, you decide you need to get away, run away from this relationship, sooner rather than later. You don't discuss the issues because you can't – your mind puts you in a state of denial, and you feel the real problem is this insignificant flaw now blown out of proportion in your mind, when, really, it is this message, like a tape in your head, saying you are not good enough. And you run to the next person. And the next, and either you end up continually going from one unsatisfying relationship to another, or, possibly you might actually realize that you don't want to live this way and you start to work on yourself.

I know I don't want to live this way. I hurt too many people when I was younger. I think I've talked in this blog about the nice guy I knew who was in college who I broke up with just because my friends teased me about how old he looked. My break up was so sudden, he didn't see it coming.

Maybe this break up is my own personal karma, and, if so, I accept it. It is due. And yes, the message is now clear to me. I will do all that I can to be healthy, inside and out.

Twisting the Knife

I know I probably shouldn't have done it, but curiosity got the better of me tonight. I found out something I didn't want to know. I found out that Paul left me to start dating someone else.

I was ready to give him the benefit of the doubt. I started thinking about recent events and figured that maybe he broke up with me because he was trying to protect me (it's difficult to explain, but he has said quite a few times that he was concerned that his mother would take advantage of me, and since we got to know each other, he had become more and more concerned). I figured this because everything between us was fine – he was warm and loving as he always had been until Halloween weekend when we visited his family. My visiting his mother upset him, but he never really said more about it. Then the sudden break up two weeks later. It was the only thing I could think of as causing the 180 degree turnaround so quickly.

But now I found out this. At least I know that I am better off without him. I just thought he was a better man. He really had me fooled for so long. I said before that karma is a bitch, and I think that while this hurts me now, it will hurt him for much longer. It's sad knowing that until he sees this type of relationship addiction that he has for what it is, he will probably go through life moving from one unsatisfying relationship to the next. I have to remember that this is no longer part of my life; I am moving on and will continue to work on myself (which, yes, means I have to focus on myself and stop focusing on him). At least I can learn from this, and, hopefully, not get involved ever again with someone with the same sort of issues.

Willing to do the Work

I remember talking to a woman one day about self work (i.e., working on yourself to make yourself a better person). She had asked me, if doing self work makes you a better person, why don't more people do it, and I replied "because it is hard, and few people are willing to do anything that is hard."

The same can be said about relationships. Most people want a ready made relationship, with everything just right. The problem is, good relationships don't just happen. They take time and work, and, again, few people are willing to do the work. Every relationship has peaks and valleys, and even plateaus (which is where, I believe, my last relationship was before Paul gave up and left). Bringing it to the next level takes work on both sides, meaning it needs input and on going communication. If problems are not brought out into the open and discussed, they fester and grow within the person who feels them until they seem like they are out of control, which makes it seem easier to just give up.

I am back to working on one of the most important relationships – the one with myself. I am willing to admit that I probably got into the last relationship too soon – I was starting to do some really good work on myself, and let it go for the most part once I got involved. And I know that once in a relationship (particularly one entered into too soon) it is very hard to make the time to do that important self work. I had worked on it in patches, here and there. Funny thing, too, that I started to work on myself again one week before the break up, because I was well aware of what I was becoming. And I am proud to say that I am continuing that work, in spite of (or maybe because of) the breakup that left me devastated. I am picking myself up and continuing on, and that is something I am going to continue. Perseverance, I realize, is one of my better traits; I just need to remind myself of it every once in a while.

I Don’t Know

I made it through the day, just barely. I felt as if my skin was being peeled from me, on layer at a time. Fortunately, I had a movie for my class. I don't think I could have taught without bursting into tears.

I did tear up a couple of times, but pretty much kept it together. I held on until I was driving down 195, then burst out with big sobs, just to get it out of my system (the crazy lady crying in the car, as Alanna used to say).

Throughout the day, I kept going over last nights events in my mind. I know this is only torture, but I really wish I knew what caused Paul to want to break up. I don't know, and that was exactly the response that I got from him when I asked him why. However, he also assured me repeatedly that "it's not me" so I guess I'm in the clear there, right?

I had conversations in my mind (because I don't see him talking to me any time in the near future). Besides, if I had the conversation last night, it would have gone something like:

"Why?" "I don't know"

"Was it something I did?" "It wasn't you"

"Was there an issue with me and your mother? "I don't know"

Etc., etc.

Truthfully, I think there must have been something with his mother, since there seemed to be such an issue there, and all the problems really started in August which was when he made the decision for me to meet this mother because she was moving in with his daughter. Additionally, he has really bad issues surrounding his mother. Plus, I think the whole self esteem thing, and the fact that I got my advanced degree may have played a role in the break up. He said he liked intelligent women. I just think he wasn't used to them being any more intelligent –in terms of degrees- than him. That in itself was really sad because he was a very intelligent man, and one of the things I miss the most was our conversations about history or other topics. But, back to mom. I think, since his mother was sort of overbearing and tended to focus on his shortcomings rather than praising his many talents, there might have been a bit of a problem when she talked to me at Halloween and found out that I was a professor. I'm sure that was something he dreaded having a conversation with her about, because she would, most likely, use it as a reason to cut him down…again.

And I also wonder if it was because on Wednesday, I responded to his short email with a short email. In which case – yeah, I'm better off not being with a man who can dish it out but can't take it.

So, anyway, until we finally (maybe one day) have a conversation, I have to continue to wonder and have these internal conversations. And do whatever I can to deal with the hurt and pain (I know – I have to go through it. It just sucks, monumentally sucks).

So I wonder, Paul, what was it that made you break up with me so suddenly?" "I don't know But it wasn't you.

One more thing I wanted to add - if you are reading this, Paul, just remember - karma is a bitch.

Issues

My last husband used to tell me he had "issues." (I may have remarked on this in an earlier blog post, but it bears repeating.) He also told me I should find someone better, I deserved better, etc. Funny thing – Paul had been telling me the same thing, particularly recently (not the issues part, although he did make a point of telling me not too long ago that he was not normal, which I questioned). He would repeatedly tell me that I should be with someone younger, better, more attractive. I would laugh and tell him that I was happy with him. Little did I know, that this did not matter as he was not happy with himself.

After having gone through several of these relationships and after having them subsequently blow up in my face, I suppose, in hindsight, these were clearly huge red flags that I should have been aware of. I now realize that whenever anyone in a relationship tells you they have "issues" or that "you deserve better", there should be sirens going off and a huge sign should drop down that states: "Run, get away, as fast as you can! This person has self esteem issues and unless he takes the time to work on himself, will never be able to sustain a long term, emotionally healthy relationship."

It is really sad, because, to the casual observer, both of these people seem nice. They are the type that older women bake for, and think are wonderful ,and coworkers would say, "yeah, he's a decent guy." But what they don't know is that these men are looking for a woman who will either save them from their past demons, or will personify those demons so that these men can feel more comfortable (as they had grown used to these demons and, because of self-esteem issues, felt they deserved nothing better.)

Now, I am not perfect myself. I know I have my own demons to work with, and I continue to work on them. That, I believe, is why I get into these relationships. There must be a part of me that says I need to take care of these men; to save them.

I need to get away from this way of thinking. The only way is to continue my own self work. Maybe next time I'll recognize the warning signs before I get sucked in.

Fear and Tremble

This is a line from the show, Fools, that I just directed. Ten weeks of rehearsals, two weeks of auditions and preparations prior to that, and several months prior to that of just acquainting myself with the show, and I just got the significance of the point that Neil Simon was making. Talk about not seeing the forest for the trees! Simon was, I am guessing, referring to all the people who live their lives in fear of the unknown, afraid to experience what might be, because it is different, unexpected; it requires letting go.

I see this expression as a summation of my life recently. I have been living in fear, afraid of what is going to happen to me, to my house, to all my belongings. My son refers to this as my paranoia. I am certain that no matter what happens, it will be bad.

Yes, I've had some things I've considered "bad" happen to me lately – my husband leaving me, the problems with the mortgage and bills, limited luck finding work in this economy. But let me stop for a moment and put things into perspective. The "problems" I mentioned have become the impetus for change in my life. I have just this year broadened my horizons in terms of what I feel I am capable of doing. I am looking for different types of work, and becoming more confident in my abilities. I am looking for housing in places I wouldn't consider earlier. Perhaps I will, through this, find a place that I really like, that I really feel is my home.

And I feel I am thinking more and reacting less. I am allowing myself to consider all options, instead of forcing conclusions. I am letting go.

I don't know what is going to happen today, this week, this month, this year. Maybe I don't want to know. I'm still on the journey – this is just a bump.