I Don’t Know

I made it through the day, just barely. I felt as if my skin was being peeled from me, on layer at a time. Fortunately, I had a movie for my class. I don't think I could have taught without bursting into tears.

I did tear up a couple of times, but pretty much kept it together. I held on until I was driving down 195, then burst out with big sobs, just to get it out of my system (the crazy lady crying in the car, as Alanna used to say).

Throughout the day, I kept going over last nights events in my mind. I know this is only torture, but I really wish I knew what caused Paul to want to break up. I don't know, and that was exactly the response that I got from him when I asked him why. However, he also assured me repeatedly that "it's not me" so I guess I'm in the clear there, right?

I had conversations in my mind (because I don't see him talking to me any time in the near future). Besides, if I had the conversation last night, it would have gone something like:

"Why?" "I don't know"

"Was it something I did?" "It wasn't you"

"Was there an issue with me and your mother? "I don't know"

Etc., etc.

Truthfully, I think there must have been something with his mother, since there seemed to be such an issue there, and all the problems really started in August which was when he made the decision for me to meet this mother because she was moving in with his daughter. Additionally, he has really bad issues surrounding his mother. Plus, I think the whole self esteem thing, and the fact that I got my advanced degree may have played a role in the break up. He said he liked intelligent women. I just think he wasn't used to them being any more intelligent –in terms of degrees- than him. That in itself was really sad because he was a very intelligent man, and one of the things I miss the most was our conversations about history or other topics. But, back to mom. I think, since his mother was sort of overbearing and tended to focus on his shortcomings rather than praising his many talents, there might have been a bit of a problem when she talked to me at Halloween and found out that I was a professor. I'm sure that was something he dreaded having a conversation with her about, because she would, most likely, use it as a reason to cut him down…again.

And I also wonder if it was because on Wednesday, I responded to his short email with a short email. In which case – yeah, I'm better off not being with a man who can dish it out but can't take it.

So, anyway, until we finally (maybe one day) have a conversation, I have to continue to wonder and have these internal conversations. And do whatever I can to deal with the hurt and pain (I know – I have to go through it. It just sucks, monumentally sucks).

So I wonder, Paul, what was it that made you break up with me so suddenly?" "I don't know But it wasn't you.

One more thing I wanted to add - if you are reading this, Paul, just remember - karma is a bitch.