I haven't yet written the letter I have been composing in my mind that is to go with the check that I will be sending to Paul shortly. I want to wait until things settle out a bit. I have been doing a great deal of introspection lately, and this, along with allowing myself to fully experience the grieving process, has been helpful. I know I am not yet ready to write the letter I want to write, but I know I am getting close.
One thing I have been questioning myself about is how did I get so involved in this relationship and what was my role in its demise? Originally, when I made the choice to get out of the house and seek some sort of companionship, I know I didn't want a full relationship. There was a part of me that knew that this was not right for me. And as this relationship progressed, there was always a part of me that felt that I was compromising myself, who I really was and what I really wanted. But why?
I thought I was emotionally healthy. Yes, I was unhappy at points and did cry often, but in retrospect, this has been a very difficult year for me! My husband left a year and a half ago (and only a few months before I got involved – too soon – in this relationship). I was broke – I debated daily whether to file for bankruptcy, and became financially dependent on Paul because he offered to help me and I saw it as an interest-free loan that would help me in the short term. I was finishing up my third year of graduate school which I had entered late in life, and, again, debated whether it was wise for me to remain when I could barely pay my bills, or cut my losses and just get back into the work force. So, yes, I had some big things going on in my life, and that did not make me an easy person to deal with.
But why did I hold on so strongly to this relationship in spite of the face that I knew there were elements in it that made me unhappy and did not fit in with who I was? I mean, I kept telling Paul that if he wanted to leave me, I would let him go and not cause problems (and, although I had some not so wonderful reactions when I got the news, I continue to hold on to this promise and will continue to work at just letting go). But throughout the relationship, I joked constantly about his leaving me, which was actually a semi-serious way of begging "Don't Leave Me!" And why was this? Because I needed to know that I was lovable, that I was someone who could and should be loved. That came about because of my abandonment fears, something I very honestly talked about with Paul. Obviously I had not worked out my issues from my marriage (specifically, my husband just leaving) and on some level, I needed Paul to stay so that I knew that I was an okay person. So, I am realizing now, I twisted myself around and compromised some of my ideals just to keep him with me so I would know I'm okay.
Sad, I know. But now I want to work on myself again, so that I don't have to get that feeling from an outside source – it will come from within. And I am starting to feel better about myself and love myself more – each day brings a new lesson
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