Issues

My last husband used to tell me he had "issues." (I may have remarked on this in an earlier blog post, but it bears repeating.) He also told me I should find someone better, I deserved better, etc. Funny thing – Paul had been telling me the same thing, particularly recently (not the issues part, although he did make a point of telling me not too long ago that he was not normal, which I questioned). He would repeatedly tell me that I should be with someone younger, better, more attractive. I would laugh and tell him that I was happy with him. Little did I know, that this did not matter as he was not happy with himself.

After having gone through several of these relationships and after having them subsequently blow up in my face, I suppose, in hindsight, these were clearly huge red flags that I should have been aware of. I now realize that whenever anyone in a relationship tells you they have "issues" or that "you deserve better", there should be sirens going off and a huge sign should drop down that states: "Run, get away, as fast as you can! This person has self esteem issues and unless he takes the time to work on himself, will never be able to sustain a long term, emotionally healthy relationship."

It is really sad, because, to the casual observer, both of these people seem nice. They are the type that older women bake for, and think are wonderful ,and coworkers would say, "yeah, he's a decent guy." But what they don't know is that these men are looking for a woman who will either save them from their past demons, or will personify those demons so that these men can feel more comfortable (as they had grown used to these demons and, because of self-esteem issues, felt they deserved nothing better.)

Now, I am not perfect myself. I know I have my own demons to work with, and I continue to work on them. That, I believe, is why I get into these relationships. There must be a part of me that says I need to take care of these men; to save them.

I need to get away from this way of thinking. The only way is to continue my own self work. Maybe next time I'll recognize the warning signs before I get sucked in.