What am I Missing, Really?

It's been one week since the break up and I am doing better. Mornings I take my mind off the usual morning emails I used to get by writing in this journal/blog and exercising. Evenings I try to take my mind off the evening calls I used to get by keeping myself busy with a project, meeting, or, again, my exercising. The exercise not only gives me a diversion, but also ups my good chemical levels (can't remember what they are right now!), so I feel better.

But in the middle of the night when I wake up and can't get back to sleep, I often find myself stuck back in the "why did this have to happen" mindset. And to get myself out of that place, I ask myself "what am I missing, really?" Yes, we had a decent relationship and he was a good guy. I enjoyed talking with him and how warm and affectionate he could be. But I have to remind myself of his dark, or rather, sullen moods that, even from the early months, would just come out of nowhere. Not that he would take anything out on me. Just that he would almost shut down and shut me out, and since I always take these things on myself (being the people pleaser that I am), I always wondered if I did something wrong. He would assure me that I hadn't, and I probably didn't, but those mood changes should have served as a red flag that something was wrong.

And then there was the boredom. When we first dated, we would go everywhere, even if it was just to the beach to walk around. By the end, we spent more and more time just watching television (usually the same movies – his choice – that we would see over and over again). Several times I mentioned going for a walk in the park and he would agree, but then change his mind, saying that he wasn't feeling up to it.

So there I was, bored and feeling this vague sense of discomfort (at times) and so I ask myself again: what am I missing? Or what was keeping me there? Friendship and a relationship, I suppose, but mostly loneliness. I didn't want to be alone; I was tired of being on this coast with no family and few friends. I knew, on some level, that this wasn't the best relationship, and there were times that, I admit, I almost left (there were a few other red flags – once I would have walked out for good if I had a car available, because of the childish way he behaved when he didn't have my full attention.) But I think I continued on just because I didn't want to be alone.

I can seek out friends so that I don't feel so lonely. I am having a better relationship with myself. And I can continue to focus on the future, where all things are possible, where, as my best friend has said, I could find a better relationship by just allowing it to happen rather than making it happen.