The Mind is a Terrible Thing

It is amazing what that grey lump of matter can do. I am well aware of what the mind can do, the messages it can give that override the normal thinking process. After all, my normal, more healthy thinking process tells me to let go and focus on myself, but my mind tells me to stay stuck focusing on this failed relationship.

I have to say this – I know from experience what it is like to have low self esteem issues that cause the brain to override the positive feelings you have for someone, and send messages that you need to get out of this relationship right away. I've been there. The weird thing is that you are certain you are doing the right thing, you are saving yourself by leaving, but don't realize that it is your low self esteem taking control, trying to get you to leave someone because, subconsciously, you feel you are not good enough for this relationship.

The way this works is as follows: you fall head over heels for someone, and are willing to overlook their flaws. Now, in a normal relationship, in time you begin to see the flaws but weigh them against your general happiness. If you are fairly happy, you overlook the flaws and/or talk to the person about issues you might have. In other words, you communicate.

When you have low self esteem, however, you begin to focus on the flaws rather than the overall picture. Something that seemed small and insignificant suddenly seems like a huge problem, and instead of discussing it, you decide you need to get away, run away from this relationship, sooner rather than later. You don't discuss the issues because you can't – your mind puts you in a state of denial, and you feel the real problem is this insignificant flaw now blown out of proportion in your mind, when, really, it is this message, like a tape in your head, saying you are not good enough. And you run to the next person. And the next, and either you end up continually going from one unsatisfying relationship to another, or, possibly you might actually realize that you don't want to live this way and you start to work on yourself.

I know I don't want to live this way. I hurt too many people when I was younger. I think I've talked in this blog about the nice guy I knew who was in college who I broke up with just because my friends teased me about how old he looked. My break up was so sudden, he didn't see it coming.

Maybe this break up is my own personal karma, and, if so, I accept it. It is due. And yes, the message is now clear to me. I will do all that I can to be healthy, inside and out.