Insatiable

I may have commented in one of my posts last year about the need for some of us to use another person to fill ourselves up. By that, I meant that when we experience this void, this emptiness within ourselves we look to others and other things to fill it up. That is what addiction is, in a nutshell.

I think on some level I knew, and yet I was still a bit surprised to learn this week that relationships could be an addiction. I knew about the need of those who have an empty hole inside, left from some childhood issue, to seek someone to take care of them. I didn't realize that need was an addiction, but now it does make sense.

I have commented on others in my life (primarily my past two relationships) who, subconsciously, needed me to fill that hole left by their mothers. What I didn't realize was that I was using relationships to fill some hole inside me. Some 10 or 12 years back I had spent a great deal of time online, making online friends. When a friend of mine discovered this, she said to me "I didn't realize you were so lonely." That comment has stayed with me. Yes, it is lonely here by myself, and I have been seeking companionship to fill that void, which is why I was trying to go out and find someone.

It has taken me all this time to realize that I don't want to do that anymore, and I don't have to. I have friends – here as well as back home. I have put them on the outer limits of my life while I tried to fill myself with one relationship after another. But I have made a choice to turn to my friends for support instead of my relationships. And with the support of my friends, I am getting to know the best person I could possibly ever meet – me.