Trust

I got pulled into the whole "why did this have to happen" whirlpool of insanity again last night. I find my mind going over and over everything, and then coming up with possible reasons for the break up, because I don't have anything to go on except some feeble excuse that he gave me.

The most plausible excuse goes back to his issues with his mother. I can accept this. It seems reasonable enough, and it lets him off the hook a bit, as it makes him look as if he was trying to protect me from what he saw as a potentially worse situation (i.e., his mother using me in some respect.) And it allows me to look at him and know that he will suffer even more from this situation (built on his own choices) than I will as I continue to move past this.

But if I could go back to the beginning, I would tell myself to trust my instincts. There were so many places I went wrong, so many bad choices I made that I need to take responsibility for. This painful break up was just another lesson that I needed to learn.

For example, next time someone tells me "I'm not a good person", "I'm not normal", "you deserve someone better", I will take note. I will listen. These are not the words of the emotionally healthy person that I want in my life, that I deserve to be with. No, these are statements made by someone unhappy with himself, someone I should know that I can't trust. Trust – that's what I need. I need someone I can trust. Why couldn't I see that I couldn't trust this man? After all, not only did he admit to me he has done some bad things, he also made me aware of the lies he told to his mother, sister, daughter and grandchildren. He even had some of them lie for him. Does this sound like a decent, trustworthy guy?

I know it will be a while – probably a long while – before I get involved with someone again. But I will make certain it is with someone who is not unhappy with himself. It will be with someone who is decent. It will be with someone I can trust.