What Do I Really Want?

I have this feeling that I have someone looking out for me You can call this being a guardian angel, higher power, whatever. I just know he or she is there and has saved me in the past by taking me out of relationships that might have put my life at risk, ruined me financially and/or destroyed my reputation.

I have been looking back on my life and just beginning to realize the danger that this being has gotten me out of. And I imagine I drive it crazy with my choices, my need to force solutions. I think if I were able to have a discussion with this being, I could hear them asking me "What do you really want?" Two or three weeks ago, I would have answered I want to be back with my boyfriend. But now I know that's not what I really want. What I want is the warmth and the love and the feeling that I was special to someone, without the "issues" No, I'm not saying I want some perfect relationship that doesn't exist; one without problems. What I do want is someone who will work together with me on the problems, rather than ignoring them and/or running away.

And my being, my angel, my whatever would answer me "that is exactly what I have in store for you. You just have to do one thing."

"What's that?" I would respond.

"You need to wait and let me take care of it. You need to trust me to make it happen when you are ready for it to happen. In other words, you need to let go. Can you do that?"

"For my personal happiness?"

"Yes, happiness that you have never fully experienced before? Ca you do that?"

I would probably think for a minute, because this whole concept of letting go is tough for me. On the outside, I know I would let go. But the inside, the part that makes unhealthy choices – that would need to be shut down. In order to do that, I would need to remember, to re-experience all the pain, and to realize how much more content I am when I do let go.

And in the end, I hope and I pray that my response will be an unequivocal Yes!