The Awareness

I feel much better today, even though I have been experiencing the old anger issues with a vengeance (no pun intended). I am learning this time around that I really need to go through all the stages of grief and truly experience them in order to become a better person.

I had an awareness early this weekend, but wasn't really able to put into words what exactly that awareness was until now. I have spent a good deal of this blog focusing the blame on others while playing the victim and focusing the positive attention on myself. I am now aware of that part of the blame that I carry in these failed relationships. I just recently realized and admitted to myself that I got into this past relationship to escape the pain of the breakup of my marriage. I justified my actions by saying this was a good thing, and who knows when happiness will come into your life, and all that…stuff. These weekends were an escape for me, a place where I didn't have to think about those issues of my day-to-day life. Paul and I used to call our time together our "oasis". That in itself signified that it was an escape.

But beyond the daily issues, I came to realize that I was escaping having to go through the necessary stages of grief that I needed to do. I was escaping the work I needed to do on myself. I was using the relationship to fill me, to fill that void. The relationship was my addiction.

As with all good (or, actually, bad) addictions, I became hooked on that good feeling. I didn't even see that in order to hang onto that good feeling, I was selling pieces of who I was. I was so codependent that I ignored that I was giving up defining parts of my life and taking on parts of his, just to keep him happy. It starts out small: "that's okay, we don't really need to watch my movie", "no, I really do enjoy watching whatever you like, just being with you is enough", "I don't mind if you have mood swings – I'm sure you have a very stressful life." And then I agree to more, to other things that I don't wish to discuss. And then I need to make myself feel better, because I won't admit that my selling my soul is making me unhappy, so I bring in one of my other addictions to cover (mine generally comes in the form of a glass of wine).

And although I won't admit it, I am actually better off when the guy breaks off the relationship because I'm just not fun anymore, even though I'm twisting and contorting myself in knots just to please him, not realizing that, yes, I am unhappy.

So, I am in "relationship detox" where I've been for the past two weeks. And I am actually feeling better. Some days are better than others, but they are my days. And right now, that's enough to satisfy me.