Is This A Test?

In the past month I have: started a new job, gone a month without a paycheck, negotiated with as many of my overdue accounts to assure them that payment would come soon, paid massive overdraft fees while waiting for those checks, and dealt with covering the high cost for repair for a broken, leaking water heater. Oh, yeah, and dealt with the break up of a serious relationship.

I thought about it yesterday. Maybe I am being tested. Before I started working on myself, any one of these things would have set me into a panic, but here I am, dealing with them in a mature manner. Yes, the break up still affects me – it has only been two weeks. But I am getting past that fantasy that he will show up on my doorstep one day, take me in his arms and tell me he was wrong and how sorry he was.

I am getting past that because I am becoming aware that I don't want to be with someone who would just break off a relationship without taking the time to talk and/or work on it. I am aware that this is not the type of relationship that I want to be in. It does hurt knowing that both my last husband and my last boyfriend are already in relationships. I'll admit, though, that there is some satisfaction knowing that both have left the relationship before me, leaving someone hurt and devastated as they did me, and they will continue to do the same (possibly with the person that they are currently with) unless they decide to make changes to themselves. And I don't mean to judge – I know I have my own issues to deal with. It just helps to know that these are emotionally unhealthy people, trying to fill themselves with unsatisfying relationships, and no matter what I did, it would have ended up the same way eventually. I can look at this when I am wondering what I could have done to keep either of them. The truth is, there was nothing I could do. It would have happened because it was supposed to happen.

The only thing I can do is learn from it and move on.