Before I put my dog down, the vet went over everything that would happen. According to him, Shep would be given a sedative, but what he would be given would be an overdose of the sedative. The sedative would allow him to slowly fall asleep with no pain.
Maybe they should offer the option of a sedative to the owners as well. Not an overdose, of course, but just enough to help the pain go away. Perhaps something that you could self administer with the push of a button every time you hit one of those painful moments. Someone says "sorry about your dog" (push); you need to put away all of his toys and grooming combs (push) and figure out what to do with all the dog food you just purchased before he died (double push.).
I am not serious, of course. I also know that going through the pain is helpful. It is a necessary part of the grieving process. And I know crying, even at the worst possible times, can be helpful, too. I just spent an hour talking to my apartment manager who had lost her own dog less than a year ago. She patiently listened to me and understood my need to break down every few minutes. That in itself made me feel better.
Killing the pain seems easy, but I know you never kill the pain; it comes back when you least expect it. Processing it, while difficult, is best. In time, the painful reminders will be replaced by warm memories of a wonderful companion who brightened by life in the years he spent with me.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
A Time to Be Born; A Time to Die
About a year later, we adopted a black, brown and tan rescue Australian Shepherd/Border Collie mix. The name he was given at the agency from which we had adopted him was "Shep." My son decided we would stay with that name, and so it was; he was Shep. The first night, he hid behind the unlit wood stove. However, he started to come out of his shell, and not long after that, he was traveling in the back seat of my car, gnawing on the seat belts and door locks, and barking whenever we would stop and he would see another dog.
He was very active in the house, and loved the back yard. It often took several hours to get him into the house once we had let him out in the evening, regardless of whether it was summer or winter. Once a wind storm had knocked down part of the fence. I didn't realize it when I first let him out, but a short time later, I was watching him from the kitchen window, and saying "He's not going through that fence, he's not going to go...oh, damn, there he goes." Shep was afraid of everyone, though, so he was walked home by a neighbor who walked behind him, and "scared" him to the right property.
After I lost the house and moved on to my apartments, he patiently sat by my son's side in the Budget rental truck. He made it through 2 more apartment moves after that, each time being patient and never making a fuss.
When we moved to this apartment, I was glad he had a lake with a path that he could walk on. He loved his walks, especially in the summer, when he could chase chipmunks and squirrels. He was slowing a bit by October, but still up for his walks. In November, though, he started stumbling more and the walks were slower. Mid-November was when we started to take him to the vet, and I spent as much as I could to find out what was wrong with him.
Today I found out that his liver and kidneys were failing. He hadn't eaten a meal in three days, and hadn't eaten a full bowl of food in several weeks. He was losing weight rapidly and becoming lethargic and listless. It was time to put him down.
As Shep was the first dog that I owned from puppyhood to senior, I had never had to do this. I was glad my son drove out from Batavia to witness this with me. He cried as much in the hours that he was here as I had been crying in the past few days. I was fortunate that I had been able to prepare as I saw Shep's condition deteriorate. He had to deal with in within a few short hours.
I was amazed how peacefully Shep slipped away from us. No pain. He was there one moment, and then I saw him go limp in the vet tech's arms, and I knew. No fear in his eyes at all. Just slipping out of this world, into, I hope, a better one. One without pain. One where he can run free without collar, leash. One where he can take as much time as he wants sniffing everything, chasing rabbits and squirrels. One where he is happy and free.
Monday, December 29, 2014
The Year of Letting Go
This has been a tough year, although I can see how much I have grown in just 12 months' time. A year ago, I was still trying to end a long term relationship. Here I am a year later, and I have not only fully let go, but I have accepted that he has moved on (something I kept hoping for, but you never know exactly how you will react until it actually happens.)
As the year comes to a close, I am also working up the courage to let go to my companion of the past 12+ years; my dog, Shep. He was doing good until this fall, when his health suddenly went bad. I have taken him to the vet more in the past 2 months than I have in the past 3 years, and while it has taken quite a hit on my bank account, I don't regret it in the least.
He has lost interest in food, and has had a very hard time getting around. I am finally accepting the fact that I may need to say goodbye to him in the few short days before the year ends. Yes, I have been crying each time I take him in, but I realize the tears are for myself. I know that he will be happier once he gets to that point where he is past the pain.
Letting go is a bitch, but it is a necessary part of life. This is my lesson for 2014. I will need to see what 2015 will bring.
As the year comes to a close, I am also working up the courage to let go to my companion of the past 12+ years; my dog, Shep. He was doing good until this fall, when his health suddenly went bad. I have taken him to the vet more in the past 2 months than I have in the past 3 years, and while it has taken quite a hit on my bank account, I don't regret it in the least.
He has lost interest in food, and has had a very hard time getting around. I am finally accepting the fact that I may need to say goodbye to him in the few short days before the year ends. Yes, I have been crying each time I take him in, but I realize the tears are for myself. I know that he will be happier once he gets to that point where he is past the pain.
Letting go is a bitch, but it is a necessary part of life. This is my lesson for 2014. I will need to see what 2015 will bring.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
The Winter of Our Discontent
November was rough here. It was bad enough that we got 6 feet of snow in a few days, and the roads were closed for a week. But, even worse, during that time my dog's health deteriorated rapidly, to the point that I thought I was going to have to send him off to "dog heaven" by Thanksgiving Day. Fortunately, as soon as the roads opened, I got him into a local pet hospital and he was put on analgesics and anti-inflammatory drugs to help with what was, apparently a serious onset of arthritis. Unfortunately, I paid out with the money that I was planning on spending to visit my brother and his family for Thanksgiving (as well as much of my Christmas money.) I also had to juggle my finances a bit; some loan payments would have to wait.
My dog was fine for 2 weeks, then the anti-inflammatory drugs ran out, and I couldn't afford to go to the expensive pet hospital (although, fortunately, the analgesics that I had spent a good amount on, were still holding out; as long as I could trick my dog into taking them, those would help a bit.). This week his walks were shortened to about 1/4 of the usual distance, as he slowly and stiffly made his way to the end of the apartment drive and back. He also started to relieve himself indoors at night; I spent the better part of the last two days trying to clean this up, and, today, splurged and got one of those indoor fake grass "pet potties." I am hoping that will help!
Monday he starts with a new doctor (one with a less pricey location.) I have already started to eat more cheaply (ground beef rather than steak or other cuts of beef; more macaroni; possibly some Ramen soup.) I'm trying to lose weight anyway, so, why not? My son's birthday is next week, and he is still getting a present. He has helped me survive the past year; he deserves this.
I know things will change eventually. Some things are changing already that may help. With my son's birthday, he turns 25, so I will be paying less for our car insurance. The loan from work that I have been paying off for the past year comes to an end soon, and that along with my recent pay raise will help. I have to remember that it just takes the little things like this to turn things around. As I have been saying throughout this blog, things can only get better. Right?
My dog was fine for 2 weeks, then the anti-inflammatory drugs ran out, and I couldn't afford to go to the expensive pet hospital (although, fortunately, the analgesics that I had spent a good amount on, were still holding out; as long as I could trick my dog into taking them, those would help a bit.). This week his walks were shortened to about 1/4 of the usual distance, as he slowly and stiffly made his way to the end of the apartment drive and back. He also started to relieve himself indoors at night; I spent the better part of the last two days trying to clean this up, and, today, splurged and got one of those indoor fake grass "pet potties." I am hoping that will help!
Monday he starts with a new doctor (one with a less pricey location.) I have already started to eat more cheaply (ground beef rather than steak or other cuts of beef; more macaroni; possibly some Ramen soup.) I'm trying to lose weight anyway, so, why not? My son's birthday is next week, and he is still getting a present. He has helped me survive the past year; he deserves this.
I know things will change eventually. Some things are changing already that may help. With my son's birthday, he turns 25, so I will be paying less for our car insurance. The loan from work that I have been paying off for the past year comes to an end soon, and that along with my recent pay raise will help. I have to remember that it just takes the little things like this to turn things around. As I have been saying throughout this blog, things can only get better. Right?
Friday, December 12, 2014
Who I See in the Mirror
It's funny. For the longest time, when I would look in the mirror, the person I would see would look like this picture (below). However, whenever I took a picture of myself (or anyone else took a picture of me), I always looked heavier. The face was fuller. The body was larger. I would look and wonder - who was this person? Not me, certainly!
I hid behind that excuse for a long time. Then I decided to do something. I started to work out more seriously. I mean, yes, I was working out already, and I was probably in better shape inside than I had been in a while.
But I decided to pay the extra money and join a gym, and it was worth the expense. The person I see in the mirror now is also the person I see in my pictures. And I am inspired to continue.
I've added more cardio to my workouts (I was at around 22 minutes and now I am close to the 30 minutes necessary to really make a difference.) I work out at home on most of the days I don't get to the gym, so that I am, on average, working out at least 6 days a week (and working to make that 7.)
And maybe I'm selfish, but I don't do this for anyone else. I do this so that I can look at the person in the mirror and say "I remember you! Yeah, you're the person with the body I remember!"
I like that.
I hid behind that excuse for a long time. Then I decided to do something. I started to work out more seriously. I mean, yes, I was working out already, and I was probably in better shape inside than I had been in a while.
But I decided to pay the extra money and join a gym, and it was worth the expense. The person I see in the mirror now is also the person I see in my pictures. And I am inspired to continue.
I've added more cardio to my workouts (I was at around 22 minutes and now I am close to the 30 minutes necessary to really make a difference.) I work out at home on most of the days I don't get to the gym, so that I am, on average, working out at least 6 days a week (and working to make that 7.)
And maybe I'm selfish, but I don't do this for anyone else. I do this so that I can look at the person in the mirror and say "I remember you! Yeah, you're the person with the body I remember!"
I like that.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Because That Is Who I Am
I just had another dating opportunity end before it got started. Of course it was on the site, and we seemed compatible, then there was this mix up with the messages, and it seemed he wasn't able to respond to mine, except for one message that got through, which stated that he had written several within a short period of time that hadn't gotten to me, and he sounded a bit panicked about it, and, right away that made me a bit nervous. I mean, I wondered why he was so desperate to get through to me. So, I wasn't too concerned when he finally did get through after I checked with the site, and questioned their practices of possibly blocking messages (and, okay, not my finest moment) and he told me there was just a mix up and he was already talking with someone else.
But I had this moment of clarity in all this. Before he responded with that last message, I decided to send a message, saying if he wasn't interested, that's fine, and explained in quick detail that I had extricated myself from an obsessive relationship and wouldn't do that to anyone else. But I did one more thing.I noted that I sang in a choir in my church. Part of me did that in case he wasn't able to contact me; he could come see me. But a big part of me did it because I wanted to put it out there that this is an important part of my life, one of the things that gives me pleasure, and, well, that's who I am. And, I guess, I needed to know if he would accept me, just as I am.
Well, as I said, he went his own way. And, although I was a bit frustrated after all the effort I put into finding out what the problem was, I was sort of relieved, too. There was this tension of not knowing if this was right or not, and it was answered for me.
It is tough, sometimes, being alone. But I think it is more difficult to be with someone just for company; someone who you can't be yourself around. I would rather be alone, and know that, eventually, someone will want me just because of who I am.
But I had this moment of clarity in all this. Before he responded with that last message, I decided to send a message, saying if he wasn't interested, that's fine, and explained in quick detail that I had extricated myself from an obsessive relationship and wouldn't do that to anyone else. But I did one more thing.I noted that I sang in a choir in my church. Part of me did that in case he wasn't able to contact me; he could come see me. But a big part of me did it because I wanted to put it out there that this is an important part of my life, one of the things that gives me pleasure, and, well, that's who I am. And, I guess, I needed to know if he would accept me, just as I am.
Well, as I said, he went his own way. And, although I was a bit frustrated after all the effort I put into finding out what the problem was, I was sort of relieved, too. There was this tension of not knowing if this was right or not, and it was answered for me.
It is tough, sometimes, being alone. But I think it is more difficult to be with someone just for company; someone who you can't be yourself around. I would rather be alone, and know that, eventually, someone will want me just because of who I am.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Where I Should Be Focusing
I've probably gone over this in my blog before. In fact, I am fairly certain of it, because I know this is an area that I need to work on and keep coming back to.
It is very easy for me to note the issues of everyone else, especially the men I am dating. this one isn't interested ("he must be superficial/interested in appearances/emotionally unavailable") and that one is too interested ("emotionally needy/clingy") Yes, I can come up with what I assume to be their faults quite easily.
Looking at myself and finding fault? Now that's more difficult. I can, of course, look at the extra pounds of weight that I strive to shed with each trip to the gym. But I am not looking deep enough, and part of me knows that.
What about me? How do I appear to others and what do I need to work on? If I make certain choices, I could appear to be just as superficial. I may be emotionally needy at times, when I show that I long for conversation.
I can't be perfect, but I can keep learning more about myself, and keep working to be better.
It is very easy for me to note the issues of everyone else, especially the men I am dating. this one isn't interested ("he must be superficial/interested in appearances/emotionally unavailable") and that one is too interested ("emotionally needy/clingy") Yes, I can come up with what I assume to be their faults quite easily.
Looking at myself and finding fault? Now that's more difficult. I can, of course, look at the extra pounds of weight that I strive to shed with each trip to the gym. But I am not looking deep enough, and part of me knows that.
What about me? How do I appear to others and what do I need to work on? If I make certain choices, I could appear to be just as superficial. I may be emotionally needy at times, when I show that I long for conversation.
I can't be perfect, but I can keep learning more about myself, and keep working to be better.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Why Trust Now?
I realized I was getting into one of those ethical decision places, and I needed to make a decision about the potential of the relationships I was, or could be, in. I wanted to ask my best friend, but I knew she wouldn't be a good person to go to, as she didn't even want me to be dating. My son was sick of hearing about my dating life, and, besides, because he was my son, talking about who I should choose was just sort of...ewww.
So, late at night I tossed and turned and thought about this. I had been dating one person (2 dates, and many days in between where conversation was sparse.) But I have also been communicating with someone, receiving long, in-depth emails several times a day. Yet, this relationship is so new; I felt as if I knew him, but still haven't met him.
I had a request for a date for today from the first one; a movie that I didn't want to see, but would see just to have a chance for us to get out and get together (our last date was 2 weeks ago.) But going out with him would be strange, knowing, as I did, that there was someone else who recently caught my attention.
The second guy was questionable for me when I first read the information - intelligent,nice,well spoken and attractive. Must be a fake, right? And yet, his emails were very specific in information about why he lived where he did,where he used to live, why he moved, etc. Anyone who was planning on scamming me would not be that specific.
And our conversations are very real. I had been through the whole scamming experience before, so I now know what it is like to get emails that seem sort of romantic, but still not connected to the conversation. I think I have learned.
So, I am trusting my judgement and letting this go where it is meant to go. There is this part of me that wants to know right now, but right now is not when I am supposed to know. This is where I make the decision and decide to go with the unknown, and trust my instinct. It may work out; it may not.
But it's about time that I allowed myself to trust.
So, late at night I tossed and turned and thought about this. I had been dating one person (2 dates, and many days in between where conversation was sparse.) But I have also been communicating with someone, receiving long, in-depth emails several times a day. Yet, this relationship is so new; I felt as if I knew him, but still haven't met him.
I had a request for a date for today from the first one; a movie that I didn't want to see, but would see just to have a chance for us to get out and get together (our last date was 2 weeks ago.) But going out with him would be strange, knowing, as I did, that there was someone else who recently caught my attention.
The second guy was questionable for me when I first read the information - intelligent,nice,well spoken and attractive. Must be a fake, right? And yet, his emails were very specific in information about why he lived where he did,where he used to live, why he moved, etc. Anyone who was planning on scamming me would not be that specific.
And our conversations are very real. I had been through the whole scamming experience before, so I now know what it is like to get emails that seem sort of romantic, but still not connected to the conversation. I think I have learned.
So, I am trusting my judgement and letting this go where it is meant to go. There is this part of me that wants to know right now, but right now is not when I am supposed to know. This is where I make the decision and decide to go with the unknown, and trust my instinct. It may work out; it may not.
But it's about time that I allowed myself to trust.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
And Then There Is Something More Sane
So, after the insanity yesterday, I had to step back and figure out why it was affecting me in the way it did. And I realized that my work on myself, and the fact that I have been spending the bulk of this time on my own is starting to have a positive effect on how I act and think.
Just in the same way that working on my muscles over the past 2 months has helped me to reshape myself enough to comfortably fit into more of my clothes, my inside work has allowed me to be comfortable with more positive and sane situations.
I've noticed this in particular with the men I've been dating lately. For example, I recently have gone on several dates with someone who is very nice, and respectful of me. And it is not this hot, serious relationship that I used to get involved with in the past. Just nice, conversation and the occasional date. Will it last? Who knows! I just know that it is nice to be enjoying it day to day.
That's probably the biggest part of why I feel more sane,too. I live day to day; not focusing on yesterday or obsessing about what will happen tomorrow, but enjoying what is right in front of me now.
Just in the same way that working on my muscles over the past 2 months has helped me to reshape myself enough to comfortably fit into more of my clothes, my inside work has allowed me to be comfortable with more positive and sane situations.
I've noticed this in particular with the men I've been dating lately. For example, I recently have gone on several dates with someone who is very nice, and respectful of me. And it is not this hot, serious relationship that I used to get involved with in the past. Just nice, conversation and the occasional date. Will it last? Who knows! I just know that it is nice to be enjoying it day to day.
That's probably the biggest part of why I feel more sane,too. I live day to day; not focusing on yesterday or obsessing about what will happen tomorrow, but enjoying what is right in front of me now.
Monday, November 17, 2014
So Much Ick
I am having a hard time putting how I am feeling into words.This morning, when I first heard this news, I was like,wow. Really. Wow. Then I was WTF! And now I am just feeling so much ick. I feel like I should take a Brillo pad and scrub myself raw.
Why? I just found out that the person from my last long term relationship is engaged. It is not the engagement that makes me feel this way. I am actually glad he found someone, and while the engagement must have come around very quickly, that's his choice and that of the person he is engaged to.
What makes me feel like ick is that the engagement came about shortly before he and I started communicating again. Shortly before he started to try to get me to agree to meet for dinner. Shortly before he mentioned in an email to me that he would still like to have sex with me.
What time frame are we talking about? He said he became engaged at the end of September. The email conversations I am describing came 2 weeks later. And I wouldn't know about this at all if I hadn't responded to a text he sent me (two, actually, and I finally texted back with a very mundane text stating I was fine, and hoped everything was okay.)
And then the response that came back to this text? "Who is this?" Part of me knew, right there, that there was another woman there. I thought "okay, he's dating someone.Good. Someone with boundary issues, true, but at least he has FINALLY moved on." I did not expect to hear the story that I heard from him.
That he was in love. That he was engaged, but now things were on the rocks (duh, ya think?) And that he hoped things would work out.
I wrote to him today and said I hope things work out, too. I also mentioned that it might help if he learned about being honest, and that I wouldn't be writing anymore, because it would be better this way.
And, now, I know why I am happier alone, why I have issues trusting. This is not even as bad as the sex addicts I've dealt with, the trolls, the scammers. But this is still...so much ick.
Why? I just found out that the person from my last long term relationship is engaged. It is not the engagement that makes me feel this way. I am actually glad he found someone, and while the engagement must have come around very quickly, that's his choice and that of the person he is engaged to.
What makes me feel like ick is that the engagement came about shortly before he and I started communicating again. Shortly before he started to try to get me to agree to meet for dinner. Shortly before he mentioned in an email to me that he would still like to have sex with me.
What time frame are we talking about? He said he became engaged at the end of September. The email conversations I am describing came 2 weeks later. And I wouldn't know about this at all if I hadn't responded to a text he sent me (two, actually, and I finally texted back with a very mundane text stating I was fine, and hoped everything was okay.)
And then the response that came back to this text? "Who is this?" Part of me knew, right there, that there was another woman there. I thought "okay, he's dating someone.Good. Someone with boundary issues, true, but at least he has FINALLY moved on." I did not expect to hear the story that I heard from him.
That he was in love. That he was engaged, but now things were on the rocks (duh, ya think?) And that he hoped things would work out.
I wrote to him today and said I hope things work out, too. I also mentioned that it might help if he learned about being honest, and that I wouldn't be writing anymore, because it would be better this way.
And, now, I know why I am happier alone, why I have issues trusting. This is not even as bad as the sex addicts I've dealt with, the trolls, the scammers. But this is still...so much ick.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Forget About It!
I have mentioned before that the person from my last serious relationship was obsessive, but sometimes I think I have him beat in that area. Well, his obsessiveness would be about certain things or routines that needed to be done in a certain way, at a certain time.
For me, it is obsessing about people, and why they act the way they do. Take, for example, this last person who I have been talking about. While he caught me attention for a short while, overall I really never had a serious interest in him. I am betting if we ever had met, I still would have lost interest quickly. But I obsess over why he disappeared. My thoughts go from the worst case (he was trying to get information from me which I didn't give so he dropped me) to, well, not the best case, but the benign (he changed his mind.)
I am inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt and go with the second one. After all, he and I talked at length over several days and had some good conversations. He revealed personal facts about himself, and seemed very friendly, but not too smooth (as in, this wasn't an act.) What I have come to believe is that he was socially awkward, and just didn't know how to follow through.
All of this is actually helpful for me to take in and process. The old me would think there was something wrong with me and would feel the need to pursue this further. The new me looks at this and thinks "socially awkward doesn't make a person bad, but it just isn't what I am interested in."
So this has been another learning experience, and has been helpful for me. I now know what I want, and I think I am getting closer to it. But I also now know better who I am, and getting to know myself and improve myself is the most important lesson.
For me, it is obsessing about people, and why they act the way they do. Take, for example, this last person who I have been talking about. While he caught me attention for a short while, overall I really never had a serious interest in him. I am betting if we ever had met, I still would have lost interest quickly. But I obsess over why he disappeared. My thoughts go from the worst case (he was trying to get information from me which I didn't give so he dropped me) to, well, not the best case, but the benign (he changed his mind.)
I am inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt and go with the second one. After all, he and I talked at length over several days and had some good conversations. He revealed personal facts about himself, and seemed very friendly, but not too smooth (as in, this wasn't an act.) What I have come to believe is that he was socially awkward, and just didn't know how to follow through.
All of this is actually helpful for me to take in and process. The old me would think there was something wrong with me and would feel the need to pursue this further. The new me looks at this and thinks "socially awkward doesn't make a person bad, but it just isn't what I am interested in."
So this has been another learning experience, and has been helpful for me. I now know what I want, and I think I am getting closer to it. But I also now know better who I am, and getting to know myself and improve myself is the most important lesson.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Grow Up
I decided to take a second chance on someone, as I realized that perhaps I was judging him too harshly. Maybe I was. But I realized that the problem was not him; it was not me. It was the age difference.
I knew I should have trusted my gut instinct and walked away right from the start, but it seemed we had so much in common and, maybe this could work? I discovered, though, right away that the biggest issue with men who are much younger than women is that women start off ahead in the race in terms of emotional maturity, and, generally, they stay ahead in that race.
And, so, at my age, I have little patience with the games that seem to be so much a part of being in this younger age group. For example, I no longer want to play "Guess what I am mad about?" or "Guess why I am not speaking to you?"
Age brings experiences that someone younger cannot comprehend, And those of us who are older (and emotionally mature) know that there are others we can meet who don't play games. And those others generally come into our lives at those points when the game-players are still playing their games,still pouting, still feeling that all the fault falls on us, and, eventually, we will come around and understand that. Because, after all, they are younger, and isn't that all that women my age would be interested in?
I knew I should have trusted my gut instinct and walked away right from the start, but it seemed we had so much in common and, maybe this could work? I discovered, though, right away that the biggest issue with men who are much younger than women is that women start off ahead in the race in terms of emotional maturity, and, generally, they stay ahead in that race.
And, so, at my age, I have little patience with the games that seem to be so much a part of being in this younger age group. For example, I no longer want to play "Guess what I am mad about?" or "Guess why I am not speaking to you?"
Age brings experiences that someone younger cannot comprehend, And those of us who are older (and emotionally mature) know that there are others we can meet who don't play games. And those others generally come into our lives at those points when the game-players are still playing their games,still pouting, still feeling that all the fault falls on us, and, eventually, we will come around and understand that. Because, after all, they are younger, and isn't that all that women my age would be interested in?
Friday, September 19, 2014
Falling Down and Getting Back Up
"We fall down, but we get up...
for a saint is just a sinner who fell down, and got up"
Donnie McClurkin
Wednesday, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that my choir would be singing this Sunday. My choir director, who has a wonderful, white soul sound to his voice, sang We Fall Down several weeks ago, and now he was giving us a chance to join him.
It couldn't have come at a better time for me. I was feeling bad about myself, having allowed myself to get caught up in another bad, unhealthy relationship. I felt I really fell down, and felt down about myself.
But the song uplifted me; it made me feel that everything was okay, and that I was okay. It gave me perspective, and allowed me to see what happened was something put there for me to learn from, and suddenly, I was grateful. I was grateful for the lesson, and for the enlightenment to see how all of these things were put in my life.
We might all fall down, but when we get back up, we can see the light.
for a saint is just a sinner who fell down, and got up"
Donnie McClurkin
Wednesday, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that my choir would be singing this Sunday. My choir director, who has a wonderful, white soul sound to his voice, sang We Fall Down several weeks ago, and now he was giving us a chance to join him.
It couldn't have come at a better time for me. I was feeling bad about myself, having allowed myself to get caught up in another bad, unhealthy relationship. I felt I really fell down, and felt down about myself.
But the song uplifted me; it made me feel that everything was okay, and that I was okay. It gave me perspective, and allowed me to see what happened was something put there for me to learn from, and suddenly, I was grateful. I was grateful for the lesson, and for the enlightenment to see how all of these things were put in my life.
We might all fall down, but when we get back up, we can see the light.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
When Your Heart is a Clenched Fist
I have such a hard time trusting. It is my lesson for right now, I know. I realize that I keep myself closed, shut off, my heart a clenched fist, because I don't trust. Because I fear...because I fear the pain that comes with trusting.
Letting go and letting things happen is so hard. I know it doesn't have to be, but when you want to control everything and make sure things go your way (which we all know, isn't possible), you will get smacked with reality. The problem is, I try to let go, and I try to trust, but maybe I invest too much of my trust in one place.
But maybe I should, and just learn from the lesson. Maybe I need to learn who to trust, and maybe, after all these lessons, I finally will learn. It would be nice to find someone who can loosen that tight fist.
Letting go and letting things happen is so hard. I know it doesn't have to be, but when you want to control everything and make sure things go your way (which we all know, isn't possible), you will get smacked with reality. The problem is, I try to let go, and I try to trust, but maybe I invest too much of my trust in one place.
But maybe I should, and just learn from the lesson. Maybe I need to learn who to trust, and maybe, after all these lessons, I finally will learn. It would be nice to find someone who can loosen that tight fist.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Pivotal Plot Point
I learned about the pivotal plot point in a college screenwriting course. It is the place where the plot takes a sudden turn, pivoting the story in a different direction. If done well, it is unexpected and takes the viewer by surprise.
I am at a pivotal plot point in my life. It did not come as a surprise, but it is still spinning me into an unknown direction. Perhaps the surprise will come later.
I am here because my son has moved on with his life, moving out to an apartment; his first real apartment that he is completely responsible for. He has lived here for the past three years, after he left college the first time (after his third year when he quit to discover what he really wanted to do.) As I said, this was not a surprise because he has been planning this for three years. It was just a matter of when everything would come together.
And now it has, and I am so proud of him, and, I admit, I miss him. But I am not lost. This is not me wondering what to do with my life. I've always been busy, so there has never been this void. What I am wondering is what life will do with me.
I've got ideas, and I may try a few new things (hiking in local parks, getting active in different causes). I think it is what women my age generally do when they hit this point, and I can understand that. It just seems the right time. I'm ready to be surprised.
I am at a pivotal plot point in my life. It did not come as a surprise, but it is still spinning me into an unknown direction. Perhaps the surprise will come later.
I am here because my son has moved on with his life, moving out to an apartment; his first real apartment that he is completely responsible for. He has lived here for the past three years, after he left college the first time (after his third year when he quit to discover what he really wanted to do.) As I said, this was not a surprise because he has been planning this for three years. It was just a matter of when everything would come together.
And now it has, and I am so proud of him, and, I admit, I miss him. But I am not lost. This is not me wondering what to do with my life. I've always been busy, so there has never been this void. What I am wondering is what life will do with me.
I've got ideas, and I may try a few new things (hiking in local parks, getting active in different causes). I think it is what women my age generally do when they hit this point, and I can understand that. It just seems the right time. I'm ready to be surprised.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
I Pick Myself Up and Get Back in the Race
It is ironic and strange that Robin Williams just killed himself, as it came a few short days after I talked someone close to me out of doing the same thing. Depression runs in the family; I am very familiar with it myself, and I know I've gone through days and weeks where the idea of ending it all kept visiting me, taunting me.
I haven't admitted this to too many people, but I have attempted suicide twice when I was younger. Actually, it may have been three times; once by accident, and if my friends hadn't been there, it could have been the one that actually succeeded. But I have spent the latter part of my life trying to learn more about depression, and find best ways to work through the "blue periods". And I am here, and I survived, I believe, for a reason, and that reason is to help others.
Which brings me back to what I was saying. People who are considering suicide commonly feel that this would be better for everyone. I had to explain to the person I mentioned earlier that no, it wouldn't. It might be better for you, because you would be gone. However, suicide is like the big FU to everyone you've ever known and loved, because they would be the ones dealing with the guilt, wondering what they could have done to prevent it. And then I asked him to seriously consider how the people he would leave behind would feel. Do you really think they would think this was best? Seriously?
No, there would be much more pain and hurt that they would carry around for years. I mentioned people who were close to him, and also asked how he would feel if he came home some time and found me dead. Would he think he was better off? I could tell from the look in his eyes that the reality of this one hit hard.
Life is tough, I tell him, and he would say "Yes, that's why I want to end it all. I can't put up with this anymore." And I listen and say I understand. And then explain that he has to go through this to get to the next level of life. Life is like one of his games, I explain. You make it through one level, and the next may be tougher, but when you've gone through it, you have the skills to get to the next level, and so on.
And one more thing. I tell him he is here for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, but someday, he will know, and he will be glad he stuck around to find out.
I haven't admitted this to too many people, but I have attempted suicide twice when I was younger. Actually, it may have been three times; once by accident, and if my friends hadn't been there, it could have been the one that actually succeeded. But I have spent the latter part of my life trying to learn more about depression, and find best ways to work through the "blue periods". And I am here, and I survived, I believe, for a reason, and that reason is to help others.
Which brings me back to what I was saying. People who are considering suicide commonly feel that this would be better for everyone. I had to explain to the person I mentioned earlier that no, it wouldn't. It might be better for you, because you would be gone. However, suicide is like the big FU to everyone you've ever known and loved, because they would be the ones dealing with the guilt, wondering what they could have done to prevent it. And then I asked him to seriously consider how the people he would leave behind would feel. Do you really think they would think this was best? Seriously?
No, there would be much more pain and hurt that they would carry around for years. I mentioned people who were close to him, and also asked how he would feel if he came home some time and found me dead. Would he think he was better off? I could tell from the look in his eyes that the reality of this one hit hard.
Life is tough, I tell him, and he would say "Yes, that's why I want to end it all. I can't put up with this anymore." And I listen and say I understand. And then explain that he has to go through this to get to the next level of life. Life is like one of his games, I explain. You make it through one level, and the next may be tougher, but when you've gone through it, you have the skills to get to the next level, and so on.
And one more thing. I tell him he is here for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, but someday, he will know, and he will be glad he stuck around to find out.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Where I Now Live and How It Affects Me
I now live on a lake - this lake, specifically. This is what I get to see when I walk out of my apartment and about 100 feet from the end of the drive at sunset. It is like a camp here, or a resort.
When I feel down or depressed, I walk to this lake and get energized. In fact, the day after we moved here, my son was having a hard time dealing with the move. I got him to leave his room and follow me to this place, where we took pictures. His mood changed in minutes after seeing this sunset.
Today, I walked nearly 2 miles around the lake, into the neighborhood on the end and back. On the way back, I heard children in the backyard of one of the houses, laughing and playing in a pool. This was a surprise to me. I live in one of the apartments, where the residents are generally either young couples, or older, retired people. The houses around here belong, for the most part, to older, retired couples. They may have had children here at one time, but you can tell from the general silence surrounding the properties, that those days are long gone.
The children I heard may have been visiting grandparents. In any case, the sound was very pleasant; it made me smile. This is not the old resort that I felt it to be. This place is alive. This place has already started to change me and I think (I hope!) it can do the same for my son,
Friday, August 8, 2014
Reviisting Christopher Cross
"And if the wind is right you can sail away, and find serenity"
I was supposed to go sailing tonight, but serenity was not in the cards for me. Instead, I dealt with someone with a full melt down, panic attack in high gear, that kept me home, making sure nothing dangerous happened.
Does anyone else understand this? Searching for serenity, but only finding this level of unhappiness on a daily basis? I may not have only given up my evening of bliss, but I have concerns about my job as well, and I wonder if my personal life is affecting this. You see, I'm older, and I'm dealing with a lot of "stuff" right now, so, in spite of the fact that students give me high ratings and I get great, positive comments from them in the classroom, I am, on an ongoing basis, made to feel I am not capable of doing my job, My evaluations make me feel as if I am not doing enough, even though I am constantly striving to improve.
Serenity? Maybe not for me. At least, not now.
I was supposed to go sailing tonight, but serenity was not in the cards for me. Instead, I dealt with someone with a full melt down, panic attack in high gear, that kept me home, making sure nothing dangerous happened.
Does anyone else understand this? Searching for serenity, but only finding this level of unhappiness on a daily basis? I may not have only given up my evening of bliss, but I have concerns about my job as well, and I wonder if my personal life is affecting this. You see, I'm older, and I'm dealing with a lot of "stuff" right now, so, in spite of the fact that students give me high ratings and I get great, positive comments from them in the classroom, I am, on an ongoing basis, made to feel I am not capable of doing my job, My evaluations make me feel as if I am not doing enough, even though I am constantly striving to improve.
Serenity? Maybe not for me. At least, not now.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
What Its Like to be a Mother and a Father to Your Child
My son was out here a few minutes ago, complaining that his computer wasn't working and that mine (the one I gave up to him so he could have at least something to use) wasn't good enough for him to play his games. His father got him the computer several years ago. It was probably the last thing his father bought for him; the last dollar he spent on him.
My son has been living with me for the past four years since he dropped out of college, and I have had to deal with these issues on my own because his father doesn't really want much to do with him since he (my son) didn't follow his father's plan and make it through 4 years of school. So I have been mother and father and have been doing my best to help him get out of his funk and get back into school.
It is not a very different role for me, actually. I've been playing mother and father since my son was 6 and I left his father. His father never really forgave me for doing that, and he tried to punish me by managing to negotiate a lower child support amount and by spending less time with his son than most fathers in a divorce situation would spend. He was trying to punish me, but he ended up alienating his son.
I spent a good portion of my son's early years trying to teach him baseball (which did not go well, considering that I really do throw like a girl). I took him to the beach. I took him to cub scouts. I planned and held all his birthday parties. And then, for Christmas, I would give him up to stay at his father's, because that was the house my son was born in, and spent his early years, and so, that was where he believed Santa would be.
Oh, his father was there for the photo opportunity days. His first day of school. His first communion. Anything like that. But I was there when my son threw his tantrums, and blamed me for ruining his life.
And I feel there is a bit of anger still there. He can't ask his father for help with this problem, because his father won't help. And I can only help so much, even though I've emptied my pockets many times over, gotten in over my head in debt, just to help him out.
The hardest thing right now is letting him try to figure it out. I can't fix everything all the time. I wish he had a father who could help him, but even he realizes that could never be, even if I had stayed in the marriage. I am finally realizing he is an adult. And I've got to let go.
My son has been living with me for the past four years since he dropped out of college, and I have had to deal with these issues on my own because his father doesn't really want much to do with him since he (my son) didn't follow his father's plan and make it through 4 years of school. So I have been mother and father and have been doing my best to help him get out of his funk and get back into school.
It is not a very different role for me, actually. I've been playing mother and father since my son was 6 and I left his father. His father never really forgave me for doing that, and he tried to punish me by managing to negotiate a lower child support amount and by spending less time with his son than most fathers in a divorce situation would spend. He was trying to punish me, but he ended up alienating his son.
I spent a good portion of my son's early years trying to teach him baseball (which did not go well, considering that I really do throw like a girl). I took him to the beach. I took him to cub scouts. I planned and held all his birthday parties. And then, for Christmas, I would give him up to stay at his father's, because that was the house my son was born in, and spent his early years, and so, that was where he believed Santa would be.
Oh, his father was there for the photo opportunity days. His first day of school. His first communion. Anything like that. But I was there when my son threw his tantrums, and blamed me for ruining his life.
And I feel there is a bit of anger still there. He can't ask his father for help with this problem, because his father won't help. And I can only help so much, even though I've emptied my pockets many times over, gotten in over my head in debt, just to help him out.
The hardest thing right now is letting him try to figure it out. I can't fix everything all the time. I wish he had a father who could help him, but even he realizes that could never be, even if I had stayed in the marriage. I am finally realizing he is an adult. And I've got to let go.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Write, No Matter What
(Note: This was supposed to publish on August 5, but Google, being as cranky as it often is, kept it as a draft. So I'm publishing two posts today.)
In my online course, one of the topics of discussion this past week was journal writing. I talked to my students about writing and the importance of putting your thoughts on paper. And some said, yes, they did do this (or had done journal writing at some point in their lives.) But most had said they didn't. Or that they wanted to but didn't have the time.
And I didn't have the heart to admit that I belonged in that latter group. I wanted to write. I had a great deal on my mind, actually, but I just never allowed myself to write, because I kept saying I didn't have the time..
But no more. I am going to write, no matter how it comes out, no matter how much time I have (or say that I have.) My big concern is that it won't be perfect. And, yes, it won't. But if I am trying to tell my students to write, even if what they write isn't perfect, how will it look if I cop the same excuse?
So, here goes. I'm going to start this sucker up again. Who knows where I'll end up!
In my online course, one of the topics of discussion this past week was journal writing. I talked to my students about writing and the importance of putting your thoughts on paper. And some said, yes, they did do this (or had done journal writing at some point in their lives.) But most had said they didn't. Or that they wanted to but didn't have the time.
And I didn't have the heart to admit that I belonged in that latter group. I wanted to write. I had a great deal on my mind, actually, but I just never allowed myself to write, because I kept saying I didn't have the time..
But no more. I am going to write, no matter how it comes out, no matter how much time I have (or say that I have.) My big concern is that it won't be perfect. And, yes, it won't. But if I am trying to tell my students to write, even if what they write isn't perfect, how will it look if I cop the same excuse?
So, here goes. I'm going to start this sucker up again. Who knows where I'll end up!
Discoveries
I mentioned that I've been talking to my students about writing their thoughts in a journal. One other thing we discussed is finding a specific topic to write about. When you have so many to chose from, where do you start?
I have and have had so many thoughts about what I want to write about lately, and I think the only point I can make today is that I have these thoughts. So I'll start this as a prelude of sorts. This will be the beginning of what I call my "discoveries." For example, I am learning everyone has problems (including money problems) at times; no marriage is immune from divorce; and, doing the inside work on yourself actually works!
So many discoveries - where do I start?
I have and have had so many thoughts about what I want to write about lately, and I think the only point I can make today is that I have these thoughts. So I'll start this as a prelude of sorts. This will be the beginning of what I call my "discoveries." For example, I am learning everyone has problems (including money problems) at times; no marriage is immune from divorce; and, doing the inside work on yourself actually works!
So many discoveries - where do I start?
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Hanging On - To What?
I was a bit late to the game when it came to watching the movie Frozen. I had heard about the song "Let it Go" and wondered what it was about; whether it had anything to do with the kind of letting go that I need to do more of. And, after seeing the movie and hearing the song, I realized that, no, it didn't. The letting go was about being yourself, in spite of what others thought of you. I've been there already. This was nothing new.
The kind of letting go that I have such a hard time with is the kind that involves allowing things to happen in its own way, at its own pace. I find I am great at hanging on, not to people, but to thoughts and ideas. I review and re-review events in my mind, wondering what I could do or could have done better.
The zen side of me reminds me that what happened, happened, and it was supposed to teach me something. Did I listen? Did I open myself to the lesson?
Generally, though, the answer is no, I don't want to listen, and I don't want to learn. I want to move on to the next experience, shoving the previous lesson into my past before I can learn from it. I want to keep forging ahead, which is not a bad thing. The only problem is that I never let go of the last event, and, eventually it comes back and hits me in the head. And there I am, staggered by the blow, wondering what happened and/or why did it happen again.
My mantra should be let go, girl. Let go and let life happen and be open to something that will be much better than any type of situation I can create myself.
The kind of letting go that I have such a hard time with is the kind that involves allowing things to happen in its own way, at its own pace. I find I am great at hanging on, not to people, but to thoughts and ideas. I review and re-review events in my mind, wondering what I could do or could have done better.
The zen side of me reminds me that what happened, happened, and it was supposed to teach me something. Did I listen? Did I open myself to the lesson?
Generally, though, the answer is no, I don't want to listen, and I don't want to learn. I want to move on to the next experience, shoving the previous lesson into my past before I can learn from it. I want to keep forging ahead, which is not a bad thing. The only problem is that I never let go of the last event, and, eventually it comes back and hits me in the head. And there I am, staggered by the blow, wondering what happened and/or why did it happen again.
My mantra should be let go, girl. Let go and let life happen and be open to something that will be much better than any type of situation I can create myself.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Imperfect Date
I want to start this off with a qualifier. This is about me. I may mention my experiences with others, but I am the one trying to work on myself here, so this is about me.
So, now that I've gotten that out of the way, I want to talk about me, and my dates. Not the people - the dates themselves. I have been dating since last fall, which was about when I realized I wanted out of my last long term (and extremely suffocating) relationship. I met some great people, and I am still, very occasionally, in touch with one person.
I am actually still meeting nice people. However, maybe I am becoming more aware of myself, or maybe I am starting to reach a point where I am just starting to become a better person to date but just not quite there yet. Because I noticed the same, somewhat disturbing thing happened to me on the last two dates.
Both started off with nice conversations, both written and on the phone. Both men had seen my profile - I try not to (deliberately) hide anything. I even made a point of posting a recent full length picture of myself so that anyone interested would know that I am, in no way, petite, slender, svelte, etc. I actually do work out daily, but I am not toned or even ripped. I am not obese (not what friends refer to as Honey Boo-Boo's mom size) but I am also not someone people would mistake for Kelly Ripa. I am a healthy size; I am a work in progress.
As you can probably tell, I have concerns about how someone might see me. And so, my perception of events may be skewed by those concerns. But my feeling was that within the first 10 seconds of each of those dates, both men gave me a look that said "ohhh...not what I was expecting, but I will man up and go through with this." And my subconscious reacted to that perceived look by opening up the flood gates to my insecurities, which, in turn, had me doing and saying things that made me look like an idiot. So much idiotic chatter was coming from my mouth, and I couldn't turn it off. I could even, at one point, see one of my dates nearly wince as if his inner voice was saying "shut up! Just shut the hell up!"
I played back the tapes in my mind the next day, but I have to remember they were taken by my inner camera which was fitted with the "I'm a big girl and insecure" filter. Even so, there were some things I could take away. Of course, there is the weight thing. I found myself saying on the first of the dates that I am a big girl, and that's who I am. But in retrospect, I realized that was a cop out, and, so, was inspired to get back to eating healthy and working out (something I had, honestly, stopped doing for a while when it seemed that winter would never end.)
And there was the chatter, fueled on the second date by wine. I am working on that, too.
It's funny that I should have reacted this way. I am becoming fairly confident in my career and other aspects of my life. And even before I went out, I remember looking in the mirror at myself, at my slightly more in shape body and thinking "I don't look that bad!" No, I don't. I'm not the picture of perfection that someone may assume from what they read from my profile and gather from viewing my photos. I'm a work in progress; the imperfect date.
So, now that I've gotten that out of the way, I want to talk about me, and my dates. Not the people - the dates themselves. I have been dating since last fall, which was about when I realized I wanted out of my last long term (and extremely suffocating) relationship. I met some great people, and I am still, very occasionally, in touch with one person.
I am actually still meeting nice people. However, maybe I am becoming more aware of myself, or maybe I am starting to reach a point where I am just starting to become a better person to date but just not quite there yet. Because I noticed the same, somewhat disturbing thing happened to me on the last two dates.
Both started off with nice conversations, both written and on the phone. Both men had seen my profile - I try not to (deliberately) hide anything. I even made a point of posting a recent full length picture of myself so that anyone interested would know that I am, in no way, petite, slender, svelte, etc. I actually do work out daily, but I am not toned or even ripped. I am not obese (not what friends refer to as Honey Boo-Boo's mom size) but I am also not someone people would mistake for Kelly Ripa. I am a healthy size; I am a work in progress.
As you can probably tell, I have concerns about how someone might see me. And so, my perception of events may be skewed by those concerns. But my feeling was that within the first 10 seconds of each of those dates, both men gave me a look that said "ohhh...not what I was expecting, but I will man up and go through with this." And my subconscious reacted to that perceived look by opening up the flood gates to my insecurities, which, in turn, had me doing and saying things that made me look like an idiot. So much idiotic chatter was coming from my mouth, and I couldn't turn it off. I could even, at one point, see one of my dates nearly wince as if his inner voice was saying "shut up! Just shut the hell up!"
I played back the tapes in my mind the next day, but I have to remember they were taken by my inner camera which was fitted with the "I'm a big girl and insecure" filter. Even so, there were some things I could take away. Of course, there is the weight thing. I found myself saying on the first of the dates that I am a big girl, and that's who I am. But in retrospect, I realized that was a cop out, and, so, was inspired to get back to eating healthy and working out (something I had, honestly, stopped doing for a while when it seemed that winter would never end.)
And there was the chatter, fueled on the second date by wine. I am working on that, too.
It's funny that I should have reacted this way. I am becoming fairly confident in my career and other aspects of my life. And even before I went out, I remember looking in the mirror at myself, at my slightly more in shape body and thinking "I don't look that bad!" No, I don't. I'm not the picture of perfection that someone may assume from what they read from my profile and gather from viewing my photos. I'm a work in progress; the imperfect date.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Problem Solving vs. Manipulation
It always starts the same. My son is dealt a disappointing blow. Sometimes it involves his girlfriend changing her mind. More often than not, though, it is another college that won't accept him because his GPA is too low. This sends him into panic mode which then puts him into an emotional downward spiral which generally ends with me dissuading him from ending it all and his deciding to seek counseling.
The panic mode generally comes about from his fear that nothing will change: he won't ever get into college; he won't ever have a place to live (other than with me); he won't even get a full time job; he won't ever succeed. And I'm the one who is here to hear it all, so he turns on me.
Last night he questioned my decision to move in the spring to a new town (something I have been planning for months) and inferred that I was being selfish and not thinking this through because I didn't have everything set. The downward spiral comes after I tell him this is my choice and I am going to go through with it. I've put my life on hold for too many people; it is time that I lived my own life.
And, so, the threats of ending it all come after hearing this. It wasn't until this morning that I realized why he did this. It is just a little emotional manipulation on his part. Yes, I know he says he has been unhappy, but this unhappiness comes out when things don't go his way. And it may sound as if I am being cold and unfeeling, but I can say that I recognize this behavior because, as they say, it takes one to know one. I am becoming aware that I have done the same thing in the past. I wasn't happy; things weren't going my way, and, so, I would use threats like this to manipulate the person I was with (generally my first husband, as I think, on some level, I felt I had no other choice.)
Counseling helped me, which is why I recommend it for my son as well. The counseling has been helpful, for the most part; lately he has been problem-solving more and blaming less. But it's been the two step forwards, one step back dance, and last night was definitely a step back.
After our talk, he went to his room, and I watched the Olympics until I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up, I heard him talking on the phone. I don't know who he was talking to, but what I did hear made me know he was better. I heard his deep baritone voice, first talking, then his short staccato chuckle. And, finally, he was laughing. Perhaps someone was getting through to him in a way that I couldn't, letting him know that sometimes life sucks, but it's okay. Things are bound to get better.
The panic mode generally comes about from his fear that nothing will change: he won't ever get into college; he won't ever have a place to live (other than with me); he won't even get a full time job; he won't ever succeed. And I'm the one who is here to hear it all, so he turns on me.
Last night he questioned my decision to move in the spring to a new town (something I have been planning for months) and inferred that I was being selfish and not thinking this through because I didn't have everything set. The downward spiral comes after I tell him this is my choice and I am going to go through with it. I've put my life on hold for too many people; it is time that I lived my own life.
And, so, the threats of ending it all come after hearing this. It wasn't until this morning that I realized why he did this. It is just a little emotional manipulation on his part. Yes, I know he says he has been unhappy, but this unhappiness comes out when things don't go his way. And it may sound as if I am being cold and unfeeling, but I can say that I recognize this behavior because, as they say, it takes one to know one. I am becoming aware that I have done the same thing in the past. I wasn't happy; things weren't going my way, and, so, I would use threats like this to manipulate the person I was with (generally my first husband, as I think, on some level, I felt I had no other choice.)
Counseling helped me, which is why I recommend it for my son as well. The counseling has been helpful, for the most part; lately he has been problem-solving more and blaming less. But it's been the two step forwards, one step back dance, and last night was definitely a step back.
After our talk, he went to his room, and I watched the Olympics until I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up, I heard him talking on the phone. I don't know who he was talking to, but what I did hear made me know he was better. I heard his deep baritone voice, first talking, then his short staccato chuckle. And, finally, he was laughing. Perhaps someone was getting through to him in a way that I couldn't, letting him know that sometimes life sucks, but it's okay. Things are bound to get better.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Setting Free
Throughout my life, I've heard the term "If you love someone, set them free" thousands of times. When I was younger, I would say, "Okay, I'll try this" but I would die inside as I did it, and then I would feel resentful if they didn't return.
When I got a little older, I would try it, but want it to be on my terms, and would generally try to manipulate them back.
Now, I don't just try it. I live it. I have found when I set someone free, it's because I know that it's not just about wondering whether or not they love me, and needing that love. I love myself enough that I don't need that love, but if it is there, then, okay, that's nice.
It's about how things are supposed to be. If someone is supposed to be with you, they will be. If they are not, setting them free may be the best thing for both of you - you'll both be happier.
Now if I could only get my ex boyfriend to understand that concept...
When I got a little older, I would try it, but want it to be on my terms, and would generally try to manipulate them back.
Now, I don't just try it. I live it. I have found when I set someone free, it's because I know that it's not just about wondering whether or not they love me, and needing that love. I love myself enough that I don't need that love, but if it is there, then, okay, that's nice.
It's about how things are supposed to be. If someone is supposed to be with you, they will be. If they are not, setting them free may be the best thing for both of you - you'll both be happier.
Now if I could only get my ex boyfriend to understand that concept...
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Giving Me Hope
The weather forecast is up and down this week. Today it was in the 30's; tomorrow it is supposed to be in the single digits. Then two days after that, it is supposed to be in the 40's.
Such is life. I have been in conversations and, I guess, relationships with several men (including my last boyfriend) that have been also taking that sort of all or nothing pattern. One day I may hear from everyone. Other days - no one. I am learning, though, not to despair. Something always happens, It may not be what I expect, and it may not be the conversation from the person that I think I will be hearing. But something happens.
And one more thing. I am learning that each relationship teaches me something. From this one, I learn to be patient. For that one, I learn not to allow that part of me that wants to enable to take over. And from another, I learn what I want from a man, what I expect to find when I move and begin looking, once again.
Such is life. I have been in conversations and, I guess, relationships with several men (including my last boyfriend) that have been also taking that sort of all or nothing pattern. One day I may hear from everyone. Other days - no one. I am learning, though, not to despair. Something always happens, It may not be what I expect, and it may not be the conversation from the person that I think I will be hearing. But something happens.
And one more thing. I am learning that each relationship teaches me something. From this one, I learn to be patient. For that one, I learn not to allow that part of me that wants to enable to take over. And from another, I learn what I want from a man, what I expect to find when I move and begin looking, once again.
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