What Its Like to be a Mother and a Father to Your Child

My son was out here a few minutes ago, complaining that his computer wasn't working and that mine (the one I gave up to him so he could have at least something to use) wasn't good enough for him to play his games. His father got him the computer several years ago. It was probably the last thing his father bought for him; the last dollar he spent on him.

My son has been living with me for the past four years since he dropped out of college, and I have had to deal with these issues on my own because his father doesn't really want much to do with him since he (my son) didn't follow his father's plan and make it through 4 years of school. So I have been mother and father and have been doing my best to help him get out of his funk and get back into school.

It is not a very different role for me, actually. I've been playing mother and father since my son was 6 and I left his father. His father never really forgave me for doing that, and he tried to punish me by managing to negotiate a lower child support amount and by spending less time with his son than most fathers in a divorce situation would spend. He was trying to punish me, but he ended up alienating his son.

I spent a good portion of my son's early years trying to teach him baseball (which did not go well, considering that I really do throw like a girl). I took him to the beach. I took him to cub scouts. I planned and held all his birthday parties. And then, for Christmas, I would give him up to stay at his father's, because that was the house my son was born in, and spent his early years, and so, that was where he believed Santa would be.

Oh, his father was there for the photo opportunity days. His first day of school. His first communion. Anything like that. But I was there when my son threw his tantrums, and blamed me for ruining his life.

And I feel there is a bit of anger still there. He can't ask his father for help with this problem, because his father won't help. And I can only help so much, even though I've emptied my pockets many times over, gotten in over my head in debt, just to help him out.

The hardest thing right now is letting him try to figure it out. I can't fix everything all the time. I wish he had a father who could help him, but even he realizes that could never be, even if I had stayed in the marriage. I am finally realizing he is an adult. And I've got to let go.