So Much Ick

I am having a hard time putting how I am feeling into words.This morning, when I first heard this news, I was like,wow. Really. Wow. Then I was WTF! And now I am just feeling so much ick. I feel like I should take a Brillo pad and scrub myself raw.

Why? I just found out that the person from my last long term relationship is engaged. It is not the engagement that makes me feel this way. I am actually glad he found someone, and while the engagement must have come around very quickly, that's his choice and that of the person he is engaged to.

What makes me feel like ick is that the engagement came about shortly before he and I started communicating again. Shortly before he started to try to get me to agree to meet for dinner. Shortly before he mentioned in an email to me that he would still like to have sex with me.

What time frame are we talking about? He said he became engaged at the end of September. The email conversations I am describing came 2 weeks later. And I wouldn't know about this at all if I hadn't responded to a text he sent me (two, actually, and I finally texted back with a very mundane text stating I was fine, and hoped everything was okay.)

And then the response that came back to this text? "Who is this?" Part of me knew, right there, that there was another woman there. I thought "okay, he's dating someone.Good. Someone with boundary issues, true, but at least he has FINALLY moved on." I did not expect to hear the story that I heard from him.

That he was in love. That  he was engaged, but now things were on the rocks (duh, ya think?) And that he hoped things would work out.

I wrote to him today and said I hope things work out, too. I also mentioned that it might help if he learned about being honest, and that I wouldn't be writing anymore, because it would be better this way.

And, now, I know why I am happier alone, why I have issues trusting. This is not even as bad as the sex addicts I've dealt with, the trolls, the scammers. But this is still...so much ick.