Imperfect Date

I want to start this off with a qualifier. This is about me. I may mention my experiences with others, but I am the one trying to work on myself here, so this is about me.

So, now that I've gotten that out of the way, I want to talk about me, and my dates. Not the people - the dates themselves. I have been dating since last fall, which was about when I realized I wanted out of my last long term (and extremely suffocating) relationship. I met some great people, and I am still, very occasionally, in touch with one person.

I am actually still meeting nice people. However, maybe I am becoming more aware of myself, or maybe I am starting to reach a point where I am  just starting to become a better person to date but just not quite there yet. Because I noticed the same, somewhat disturbing thing happened to me on the last two dates.

Both started off with nice conversations, both written and on the phone. Both men had seen my profile - I try not to (deliberately) hide anything. I even made a point of posting a recent full length picture of myself so that anyone interested would know that I am, in no way, petite, slender, svelte, etc. I actually do work out daily, but I am not toned or even ripped. I am not obese (not what friends refer to as Honey Boo-Boo's mom size) but I am also not someone people would mistake for Kelly Ripa. I am a healthy size; I am a work in progress.

As you can probably tell, I have concerns about how someone might see me. And so, my perception of events may be skewed by those concerns. But my feeling was that within the first 10 seconds of each of those dates, both men gave me a look that said "ohhh...not what I was expecting, but I will man up and go through with this." And my subconscious reacted to that perceived look by opening up the flood gates to my insecurities, which, in turn, had me doing and saying things that made me look like an idiot. So much idiotic chatter was coming from my mouth, and I couldn't turn it off. I could even, at one point, see one of my dates nearly wince as if his inner voice was saying "shut up! Just shut the hell up!"

I played back the tapes in my mind the next day, but I have to remember they were taken by my inner camera which was fitted with the "I'm a big girl and insecure" filter. Even so, there were some things I could take away. Of course, there is the weight thing. I found myself saying on the first of the dates that I am a big girl, and that's who I am. But in retrospect, I realized that was a cop out, and, so, was inspired to get back to eating healthy and working out (something I had, honestly, stopped doing for a while when it seemed that winter would never end.)

And there was the chatter, fueled on the second date by wine. I am working on that, too.

It's funny that I should have reacted this way. I am becoming fairly confident in my career and other aspects of my life. And even before I went out, I remember looking in the mirror at myself, at my slightly more in shape body and thinking "I don't look that bad!" No, I don't. I'm not the picture of perfection that someone may assume from what they read from my profile and gather from viewing my photos. I'm a work in progress; the imperfect date.