Problem Solving vs. Manipulation

It always starts the same. My son is dealt a disappointing blow. Sometimes it involves his girlfriend changing her mind. More often than not, though, it is another college that won't accept him because his GPA is too low. This sends him into panic mode which then puts him into an emotional downward spiral which generally ends with me dissuading him from ending it all and his deciding to seek counseling.

The panic mode generally comes about from his fear that nothing will change: he won't ever get into college;  he won't ever have a place to live (other than with me); he won't even get a full time job; he won't ever succeed. And I'm the one who is here to hear it all, so he turns on me.

Last night he questioned my decision to move in the spring to a new town (something I have been planning for months) and inferred that I was being selfish and not thinking this through because I didn't have everything set. The downward spiral comes after I tell him this is my choice and I am going to go through with it. I've put my life on hold for too many people; it is time that I lived my own life.

And, so, the threats of ending it all come after hearing this. It wasn't until this morning that I realized why he did this. It is just a little emotional manipulation on his part. Yes, I know he says he has been unhappy, but this unhappiness comes out when things don't go his way. And it may sound as if I am being cold and unfeeling, but I can say that I recognize this behavior because, as they say, it takes one to know one. I am becoming aware that I have done the same thing in the past. I wasn't happy; things weren't going my way, and, so, I would use threats like this to manipulate the person I was with (generally my first husband, as I think, on some level, I felt I had no other choice.)

Counseling helped me, which is why I recommend it for my son as well. The counseling has been helpful, for the most part; lately he has been problem-solving more and blaming less. But it's been the two step forwards, one step back dance, and last night was definitely a step back.

After our talk, he went to his room, and I watched the Olympics until I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up, I heard him talking on the phone. I don't know who he was talking to, but what I did hear made me know he was better. I heard his deep baritone voice, first talking, then his short staccato chuckle. And, finally, he was laughing. Perhaps someone was getting through to him in a way that I couldn't, letting him know that sometimes life sucks, but it's okay. Things are bound to get better.