Because That Is Who I Am

I just had another dating opportunity end before it got started. Of course it was on the site, and we seemed compatible, then there was this mix up with the messages, and it seemed he wasn't able to respond to mine, except for one message that got through, which stated that he had written several  within a short period of time that hadn't gotten to me, and he sounded a bit panicked about it, and, right away that made me a bit nervous. I mean, I wondered why he was so desperate to get through to me. So, I wasn't too concerned when he finally did get through after I checked with the site, and questioned their practices of possibly blocking messages (and, okay, not my finest moment) and he told me there was just a mix up and he was already talking with someone else.

But I had this moment of clarity in all this. Before he responded with that last message, I decided to send a message, saying if he wasn't interested, that's fine, and explained in quick detail that I had extricated myself from an obsessive relationship and wouldn't do that to anyone else. But I did one more thing.I noted that I sang in a choir in my church. Part of me did that in case he wasn't able to contact me; he could come see me. But a big part of me did it because I wanted to put it out there that this is an important part of my life, one of the things that gives me pleasure, and, well, that's who I am. And, I guess, I needed to know if he would accept me,  just as I am.

Well, as I said, he went his own way. And, although I was a bit frustrated after all the effort I put into finding out what the problem was, I was sort of relieved, too. There was this tension of not knowing if this was right or not, and it was answered for me.

It is tough, sometimes, being alone. But I think it is more difficult to be with someone just for company; someone who you can't be yourself around. I would rather be alone, and know that, eventually, someone will want me just because of who I am.