Taking Care

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. It has been hot and humid and even the air conditioner doesn't seem to help (although, I'll admit, I'm keeping it on low to save money.)

But it wasn't just the weather. It was my mind – I couldn't shut it off. Not worry this time, but thinking. I kept thinking about what a friend had said when I told her Tom has been out of contact. She said he was "hiding". I have been thinking about that a lot and why he would be hiding. I found myself focusing very hard on him and the hiding and came to the conclusion that he is using this as his usual escape tool. It was something he subconsciously fell back on, and it was a way, subconsciously, to sabotage himself.

Then I started to wonder about me. What do I do to sabotage myself? Yeah, I'll admit, I've wanted to run and hide. But I'm not. I'm doing something different. But what?

This morning I woke up with the answer. My little trick is to find someone to care for me. I have done this all my life. I feel I am not capable of caring for myself, and so I run to the protection of someone else. And, in return, I care for them.

It seems like a good agreement. But it can be strangling. No wonder my relationship with Tom was doomed. I looked for him to care for me, he wasn't able to, and when I realized he couldn't I both over-cared for him and resented him on some level for not being able to care for me.

What an eye-opener! All this at 5:30 in the morning! But even more amazing was the realization that I am taking care of myself. Put the emphasis on the first word, and you'll see what an epiphany this is. I am taking care of me for the first time in my life. I am looking my problems in the eye and taking care of them, one by one. I'm not backing down or running away. I am facing them.

No wonder I am so happy right now and proud of myself!