Sometimes obstacles can turn out to be our best friends

Although I keep moving forward, I still find myself getting stuck in that unanswerable question "Why me?" Meaning, "why did this have to happen to me?" And its ever present cousin "what did I do wrong?" That last one could be a good place to go, and it is a place most people, including myself, should honestly (very honestly) consider. Because, although I know that this was not 100% my fault, I do need to look at what I've done.

I know I'm not a perfect person. I had already been open and honest about that in this past marriage. Okay, I know sometimes I wasn't so open – perhaps there are things I didn't want to look at.

But I also know that after the last separation, I made a pact with myself. I would try as much as I could to do well and to listen to what Tom wanted and needed. And I did. He needed some space of his own – I said the basement is his (he, in turn, gave it to Mikey). He said he still needs a "cave." I said, since he like working on his cars, he could have the garage. He, in turn, pretty much only used it on Sundays. When Mikey was here. It became their getaway, and I let them be boys, while I became the mom, making dinner and cleaning the house.

And everything else Tom complained about, I tried to listen and tried to adjust. And I realized that as this went on and on, I wasn't adjusting. I was contorting. I felt as if I was playing "Twister" and every wish that became my command was another awkward contortion for me. And, I knew somewhere deep inside that this was not right.

So looking at what happened in that light, I can say I did all I could, but in the end, it was probably for the best. And I think that helps me to maintain as much of a positive attitude as I can muster right now. I must confess, though, that part of this being positive comes from the passive-aggressive side of me. Because, (I know, this is bad, but) if I can keep myself above it all and not give into the nastiness, I come out looking better in the long run (oops, did I just admit that?)

But then, there's also the fact that being nasty just breeds more nastiness. Getting into an argument over something from the past that has happened and can't be changed will not fix that thing that happened and it only makes one more angry and open to be hurt by the other's anger.

So I express some of it here. And I express a little more to my friends. And I release a ton of it by punching pillows and screaming at the sky (hey, I'm not a saint!) And then I move on, hoarse and sore but feeling a whole lot better.