Good Judgment

When I met Tom, he was in pretty good shape, emotionally. This was in spite of the fact that he was living in a small room at his place of work. Yes, I realize that the fact that he didn't have an actual apartment or home should have tipped me off that something was amiss. But he did own his place of business, so that was something.

He was also working on himself, something I admired greatly. Not many people, men or women, who come from a divorce have the willingness to work on themselves. He had discipline from his martial training. And though he didn't go to any type of therapy or groups, he read and studied and seemed as if he was starting to look inside himself for the answers to his problems.

And so, going into the marriage, I had to say he seemed fairly well adjusted. I had some misgivings, I admit. I didn't know why. But I knew that he appeared to be an easy going guy who was willing to work on his problems. And I was satisfied with that.

That lasted until a few months into the marriage he lost the business to his wife. And everything went downhill after that – the self-discipline, followed by the self-esteem, followed by the easy-going personality. That person was replaced by someone who was irrational, acted erratically and was prone to what I can only call temper tantrums (I would not call them fits of anger as he never yelled at me, at least, and was never physically violent.) I was married to someone who suddenly behaved like a child, and it was not easy. When I reacted directly to him, I became just as erratic and irrational. And I didn't want to be that person, so I tried very hard not to.

And I say all this not because I feel I am superior (which I am not) but because I need to convince myself that I did use good judgment when I originally became involved with Tom. The man I married was not the man who left at the beginning of this month, and there was absolutely no way I could have predicted who he would become. I feel a bit relieved realizing this, and also, I guess, in the "sadder but wiser" category as well.