Self Worth

When I was a teenager, there were several nice guys that I went out with. I really liked them – they were nice, they treated me well. But I would find some minor flaw in them and in my mind, that flaw would be magnified until suddenly this person seemed intolerable to me. I would "disappear" from them – ignoring them, running away in a sense. I didn't know why I did it.

Years later, I wondered why I let them go. There was nothing wrong with these guys – in fact, they were decent guys. I should have relished the chance to be with any one of them.

And I always felt bad because I hurt them without knowing why I was doing it. In my mind, at the time, they had this flaw that I couldn't overlook. What I didn't realize until much later was that they didn't have the flaw – I did. They didn't know (and I didn't know at the time) that because of my low self esteem issues, I was wired to reject anyone who was good to me in favor of someone who would treat me poorly or was incapable of having a meaningful relationship. As the saying goes, it wasn't them – it was me.

This realization hit me last night, and it helps me on two fronts. I realize now that Tom, who I have said before had low self esteem issues and an adolescent emotional maturity level, is running away from me because I'm not treating him poorly enough. I often wondered why he stayed in his bad marriage with his former wife in spite of the abuse. Now I know it was not in spite of it; it was because of it.

As for me – this has opened my mind to what I have been looking for in the past (past being the key word here.) I have been working on my own self esteem issues and am realizing I deserve much better than what I have allowed myself in the past. This is something that I am now ready to put behind me. I am actually glad I have had this opportunity – I can now proceed with maturity and a heightened sense of my own self worth.