Things can only go up from here

The worst is not

So long as we can say, "This is the worst."

King Lear. Act iv. Sc. 1.

Yesterday I started my day a little slower than usual, but after a good cry and an inspirational speech (by me, to me), I made it out the door and onto the bus to work. I had thought I reached my lowest point, but, no, that came when I was talking to a crazy old man at the bus stop (actually, he was talking to me - I was trying to avoid him). I was okay until, after a line of questions about family and marriage, he asked "Is your husband good to you?" I couldn't answer - I just started to cry. He, then, either attempting to calm me down or, take advantage of my vulnerability, tried to kiss me. That was it. I thought - things can only go up from here.

Actually, they did. I spent the day pretty much talking with everyone at work. They were all sympathetic and helpful. I realized then and there that when you cast your net out to the universe, it fills it up with everything you need. My friends, my family, my coworkers - they are my universe right now. I have no idea where or how it will expand but this has given me hope and faith in my "universe".

As I told someone yesterday, "today I cried nearly every time I talked with someone. And tomorrow I will probably cry, but I will cry less. And the next day, even less." I know the tears are not just sadness - they are a means for my body to purge the seven years of anger, frustration and resentment that I have allowed to build inside me during the marriage; and the additional anger and resentment I carried over from my first marriage to a pitiless, soul-less man, the father of my son, who, right now, is being difficult about helping to pay for college for his only son, and is less than willing to be of assistance to either one of us at this time.

That is the other side of my problem - the second part of the one-two punch that wreaked havoc on my life yesterday. The realization today that I am not only without the person who I thought was my soul mate, my rock, my sounding board, but I am also without the financial means that I had expected to be there to make it through until the next year when I can be fully employed and financially self-sufficient.

But if I had had that means, and if I still had that person whom I thought I could depend on, I would never have been able to look inside myself for the strength I needed to pick myself up and move on. I have been through hard times before - I know that it will get better. What I don't think I fully realized until now, though, was that things may not just get better - they may be even greater than they ever were before. The future is wide open for me - this is the jumping off point that I somehow knew was coming, some day. I just never knew how.