Good to Know I’m not Crazy

I talked with my brother yesterday. He's a psychologist, and I used (or possibly abused) his familial connection to pump him for information (I've been to therapists in the past, so I know the lingo. When I'm talking to my brother, or, I should say, he's talking to me about something, my favorite comment to say to him is "And how did that make you feel?" Okay, guess you had to be there.)

Anyway, I told him that I am cleaning, almost compulsively. You have to understand that I am not exactly the best housewife, at least when it comes to cleaning (although I make a mean apple pie. Well, specifically, it' a good apple pie, not mean.) In other words, my house would not win any white gloves tests. (at least not yet.)

But I've been cleaning everything, and I asked him "Is this crazy?" And he, as my baby brother, in his calm-natured manner replied, "No, it's not crazy. It means you are taking control of something, even though it's a small something. You feel you have some control."

Yes, that's exactly how I feel. My life has been blown apart, scattered to the four winds. But I do have control over the dirt on the floor, and the crumbs on the counter, and the fingerprints on the doors. It's just a little thing, but it gives me some small measure of comfort knowing I can control how much mess there is in my house, if only for a day, or an hour, or a minute. It's a small victory in what feels right now like a continuous losing streak.

Yes, I know, things will get better. If I didn't believe that, I wouldn't have used that phrase to name my blog. It just doesn't feel that way when I am facing everything at once. For example, today I talk with the mortgage company to try to save the house. I am going to the human services office to see if they can squeeze any more money out of their practically non-existent funds to help me, just a little. And I am going to talk to Andrew's college, to see what can be done about his financial aid in light of these changes in my life. Three big things that I have very little control over. I guess it is no wonder I need to clean. It's one of the few areas in my life right now where I feel I'm having an effect.