Wide Aware

I've learned to not regret my angry outbursts as much, because those are the times that I become more open to a new awareness.

Two important awareness points that came up to the forefront of my thoughts recently:

1. Before my last boyfriend left, I threw at him the comment that he, like the last two people I had been seriously involved with, used me as a "mother" replacement - I was the good mother to replace the "bad" mother they had each had.
   
2. Several years back, when I was fighting with my son's father over an increase in child support, he flung the following statement at me: "You never got over your father."
   

Both of these statements may be true; I do know that the second one is, and I also know that I have been struggling with it for years and it plays into who I chose to be with in my relationships.

It is easy to look at other people's "stuff" – how they act and how that might tie into their background. We all are trying to fix something from our lives, so noting that someone might be trying to use you to make up for a less than stellar childhood makes you(i.e., me) more of a jerk for noting what is almost obvious. Making this discovery about yourself, however, is uncomfortably tough and can get quite complicated.

I look at the men of my past two relationships – both larger men, both with a fairly good sense of humor, both with a need to protect. In other words, both sharing qualities with my late father. You add to this mix the fact that my father died (abandonment issues) and that I was not around when my father died (guilt) and I have a lot to look at, to deal with on my own. It's no wonder I tried to find men like my father. They could be a quick, easy fix – replacements for my father to assuage my guilt and be there. But then they weren't there, for whatever reason (i.e., life happens).

I think the message here is that I need to work on this on my own, and not get anyone else involved (relationship-wise). All I know is that I don't want to get involved with another man until I can see him as a partner and not a parent-substitute.