2010

Another new decade. By the end of this decade, I will be just starting out my own new decade (the 60's) which, I'll admit, makes me a bit nervous. But it is good seeing my sisters already immersed in their 60's and doing well.

I did a reading today specifically regarding love and relationships and it told me that I am doing just what I should be doing. That is, I am right in taking my time, working on myself, resting from the whole idea of being involved with someone else. I actually don't mind being alone right now, which is what my reading suggested I should do.

I am looking back at the past relationship, and coming to the realization of "what was I thinking?" It's not that he was a bad person (I've said this enough times here – he wasn't) but we weren't this perfect match that I so wanted us to be. Little things are making me aware of this now. For example, I enjoyed that we went to dinner at different places, but nearly all of those places were actually his choice, and now that I am making more money, I can take myself to the places where I want to go, I can take myself out. The idea of having someone doing this for me now sort of loses its luster, considering the reason why it was initially done. The same holds true for vacations. We only really had one – going to Westerly – which was nice, but not that much different than the vacations that I had paid for in the past and will pay for myself in the future.

I'm not saying he didn't try. He did, in his own way. But saying that this was a most special relationship because of these events is not only untrue, it is a form of denial on my part.

What do I want? Someone who spoils me, to be sure, but spoils me with something I want, not something they want that somehow gets twisted to appear like something I want. Doing something you want but making it look as if you are spoiling me because, until now, I haven't been able to afford it, is just manipulative and not real.

I don't mean to sound mean, but if I want something special, I am happy right now to spoil myself. At least, until the right man comes along.