Onward to a New Decade

With the new decade starting tomorrow, I found myself thinking about where I was 10 years ago at this time.

• I was working in my last full time job doing work that, for the most part, I did like, at a place that would serve as the inspiration for me to work towards where (I think!) I am now finally starting to head.
  
• I hadn't even started college classes; in fact, I don't think I had even started to think about going back to school
  
• I hadn't met the man who would become my husband and then later leave me.
  
• I was just beginning to focus my computer skills, something that would help me later in the decade to get my job.
  
• I was just starting to work my program.
  
• I was certain I would find the right relationship because I was learning so much about myself that I would make an emotionally healthy choice (that one is funny and sad at the same time). Hopefully I've learned from this.
  
• I had not yet worked to repair the relationship with my mother and forgive my father.
  
• I was just starting to turn my financial situation around (only to have that boat crash again because of my marriage.) Hopefully, this history won't repeat itself either.
  
• I had no idea I would end the decade as a professor with a hard-earned MFA degree, teaching theatre and humanities and constantly learning.
  

I start the new decade looking towards a move that may be, literally, life-changing.

Gotta Have Friends!

My best friend called yesterday. As always, it was great talking to her. Every time I talk with her, I feel very happy afterwards, and am even more inspired to get ready to move back. Soon, I tell myself, although it doesn't seem soon enough.

She told me about getting together this weekend with some old friends from school, and she had told them that next year, I'll be joining them. Just thinking about that makes me giddy with excitement! I can't believe that in a little over six months I'll be back with my old friends!

I think this is what I am missing most in my life – friends. I have some people here that I consider to be friends, but nothing like what I had. There is really no one here that I just get together with, and I think that is the one thing that will help me stay out of bad relationships that I get into because of boredom and loneliness. There's no excuse for loneliness when you're surrounded by friends!

Songbirds and Spring

My dreams are getting better. The men I dream about keep getting nicer and better looking. And the weather is improving, too!

Last night, I dreamt I was with someone new, another man I hadn't met yet. He was very nice, although a bit quiet. And I have to say he was so attractive, that it was the first time in my dreams that I remember really flirting with someone! I felt younger, too, although part of me was still who I am today.

And if that wasn't strange enough, it was spring outside. We were on a wooden bridge, looking out, and it was warm (the way it gets in May). I don't remember much more, but as I was waking up, I heard a songbird, and thought it really was spring! No, still December, but I will say I must have some mixed up bird in my backyard who thinks it is warmer. Or maybe he's just clairvoyant!

A Better Life

We had had this discussion once, about people with nice jobs, good salaries, etc. Someone he knew wondered why the boss deserved to have this top job; what had he done to earn this? I knew the answer: he had worked hard for it, put in the hours, done the work that many of us would be unwilling to do. He got that prize reserved for those few who put in the extra effort.

Several weeks ago, someone else, in another place had mentioned how hard it is to find someone willing to do the work. He was talking about the internal work – the work on oneself that I have been talking about.

Trading one person for another because you feel the grass is greener somewhere else doesn't always bring about the desired result. Others may be different, but few (who are available) are emotionally healthy and/or better than the person you've just left. I know this from experience. Some can appear better, and can do a very good job convincing others that they are this happy, healthy person. The man who stalked me for several years was just such a person. He even had the hostess at the restaurant where we were supposed to meet convinced he was a total gentleman when he called to let me know he would be late. It was months later that I realized I how unhinged he was.

I am not getting involved in another relationship right now, because I don't think I'm ready. I want to be the one who does the hard work – the internal work. When the better relationship comes along, the good relationship that I deserve – I want to be ready.

What My Dreams are Telling Me

I had some more very vivid dreams last night. They made me feel much better about my life, and inspired me so much I had to do a little "reading" into their meaning and what my future might hold.

The first one I remember, I was in a building, and someone came up to me. I knew this person, because I said "there you are! Don't do that to me ever again!" I remember feeling that way – that I had been betrayed by this person. They never apologized, but just kissed me and then we went on as if nothing had happened. We went walking into a parking lot, looking for their car; the lot seemed endless and it was difficult to find the car (I don't think we did before I woke up). When I thought about the dream, I first thought the person was my last boyfriend, but he was also tall, and similar to my last husband as well, so I guess he was like a cross between the two. Interesting thing about the parking lot, too – it started out like the parking lot behind Rhode Island Hospital, but then seemed like the huge parking lot at the Big E.

These things stick out to me – the person did not apologize (true of both my last husband and my last boyfriend); I was continuing on as if nothing happened (old behavior); and the lots were significant (the RI Hospital lot representing when I had to pick up my last husband and take him home after his accident; the Big E lot that I walked around on pain after going to the Fair with my last boyfriend).

The next dream was about someone I had never met, but they surprised me by falling for me, even though I thought they liked someone else. It was unexpected but very nice and romantic, and different than anything else I had known (the person was different, too, than anyone else I had known).

When I did my reading on this, it said I should be aware of my old behaviors before getting into a new relationship. If I could change my patterns, I would end up with more choices, but I should look to my heart and find the most heartwarming relationship. This is what I think the dreams were about, and I plan to listen to them and take them to heart.

Doing the Best They Can

I have so much to write, and I have been thinking about writing this post since I was inspired by a few things I read, so I wanted to make sure I got this into words. I was doing my reading – the reading I do for my self work – and two readings inspired me.

The first was about someone learning that they were being too critical of other people when their sibling told them "they're doing the best they can." I can be that critical person. I try to keep it positive, but people get on my nerves for insignificant little things, and I am the first to criticize about something that, were I to find someone said the same about me, would make be feel hurt. I think I got this reading at just the right time – it was something I should think of every day.

The second reading had to do with someone who didn't know what they liked or didn't like because, as a child, all their choices were made for them – what to eat, what to wear, what to think. This made me aware of something that my last boyfriend and I shared in common. I have talked about being annoyed by the fact that I had no choice when it came to what we would watch on TV because he controlled the TV. I had said this was a personality issue he had. Yes, I can say it was an issue, but this reading made me more fully aware of why he did it, and put me in a place to be more forgiving. You see, I realized that his making such strong choices was because he was not able to make them as a child (or even in his last marriage, from what he told me.) This was his own way of saying "this is who I am" and I have to respect that, now that I realize where it came from.

I do remember when we were together, I had asked him to turn the thermostat down in the hotel room that we were in, and he told me he wasn't sure if he would do it correctly, because he was never allowed to do it before. He said everyone else told him he did it wrong. I thought that was so sad – how wrong could it be if it was just a little colder or warmer than you like it? It's no wonder that he had to put his foot down in other ways (such as controlling the TV).

I think the first step in forgiveness is understanding, and I am beginning to understand a lot more. This helps as I move on with my life.

Overcoming Unhappiness

I was talking to myself in the car again today. I find myself doing this more and more, trying to overcome this pervading sense of failure that I have felt since the breakup. There is sadness that I am dealing with, but when I really think about it, there is mostly a sense of failure.

I talk to myself to convince myself I have not failed; I am not a failure in relationships. I went over the past three relationships and when I look at them clearly, taking out this filter of failure that I use to view anything in my life that does not go as I expect it to, I come down to something that has less to do with me and much, much more to do with them.

All three men were unhappy. They sometimes said it, but mostly they expressed it through how they talked about their lives, as if their own lives were failures. I don't believe that they were failures, but I do see that they were unhappy. Even the way they carried themselves – eyes generally downcast, shoulders slumped – just told the world they were unhappy.

Each had left someone because they were unhappy, and each told me they were so happy to have found me. Each thought I was the answer to their prayers, the person who make their lives worth living. And each left me when they discovered at some point they were no longer happy.

Now there is only so much I am capable of, and one thing I cannot do is be responsible for someone else's happiness (although I think, deep inside, I have felt that I could; that I could fix these poor souls somehow. That I could make them happy.)

But it is an impossible task that I am forever trying to take on. I look at my last relationship as a perfect example. According to what he told me, he was unhappy with his wife, so he left her. He was unhappy with the girl he met after that, so he left her. He was unhappy with me, so he left me. Who knows who else he has been with since then, but, I am betting he has or will leave them after feeling he is unhappy with them. Beyond that, he does not have a happy relationship with his mother or his sister, and even his daughter does not seem to be the happiest person, either. We have a world of unhappiness here that has gone on since before I met him, and will, most probably, continue on, until he chooses to look inside to see what makes him most unhappy.

So why do I, or did I feel that this was my problem? I have my own stuff to deal with, and I am dealing with it as I go along. But this is not my stuff. I did not make him unhappy, and I could not make him happy. That was another case of my trying to fix something that is beyond my scope.

Now that I am working on myself, I have a better idea of what I need to do. If I get into a relationship, I hope it is not one that I jump into trying to fix someone's past so they can be happy. However, if I do end up in with someone like this, I will hope to know that I am not responsible for their happiness. That is their journey. I have my own.

What Is Behind Curtain #3?

I have been having some strange premonitions lately. Actually, I should say good ones, not strange ones.

First, I should say that I don't always get premonitions, but when I do, they are pretty strong and they work as guideposts for me. I have had these feelings about something better coming up in my life. It may not happen soon, but I really feel it will happen.

I have had some feelings that my life was going to turn around for the past couple of years. This was due, I'll admit, to my Tarot card readings, which kept pointing to a better future for my career. However, these premonitions don't have to do specifically with my career, but more with my overall happiness. And, dare I say it, love.

I can sense from what I am getting that I will be in a much happier, comfortable place than I've ever known. The most important thing is to let go and let it happen.

Healing

I have been reading more inspirational literature before I go to sleep, just to help me as I try to become a better person. I read several pieces from the book last night, but two seemed as if they had been written specifically for me, right now

The first was about feeling free to be yourself; the second was about healing from being betrayed. I read the first and agreed with everything I read there. I had been becoming someone I really wasn't, just to please someone else. I have noticed in the past few weeks that I am doing more and more of what I want to do and am being more comfortable with who I am, instead of straining to be the person someone would have wanted me to be. Granted, I did pick up some good habits from this relationship. For example, I make the bed right away in the morning instead of waiting, and I do pick up more (although right now, things are a bit scattered after my busy day yesterday, but I am okay with this, too).

The healing from betrayal really caught me by surprise, though. It was an acknowledgement that sometimes we are betrayed and hurt by the people we least expect it from. I think of it this way: it's as if someone who is normally responsible has taken this priceless and precious artifact that is our heart, and has carelessly handled it, breaking it in the process. It wasn't that they set out to do this, but a bit more care could have been used when handling this artifact. Now it is broken, and it is up to me to get past this careless move and heal.

What really resonated with me was the part that said, in effect, that sometimes we have not finished healing from past betrayals and hurts before taking on a new one, and we need to fully heal the breaks in our heart to move on. This was the best piece of inspirational advice that I could receive, and it is advice that I will take to heart – to my broken, but healing heart.

Dealing with Memories

I found the ticket stub from the Big E Fair, one of the last events that Paul and I went to. It had fallen off the table; I thought it was just a receipt, but when I picked it up, I realized what it was. I suppose I should have just thrown in out, but I couldn't. It was one of the last memories we had.

It wasn't just the fair. That wasn't all that exciting, although it was nice to attend since I hadn't gotten to the fair for at least ten years (and now, I realize, I probably won't be back there again.) The weekend was fun, if somewhat painful. I mean actually painful – my hips were so sore from walking so much that I could barely move by that evening. When we left the fair, he drove me to Northhampton where we tried to book a room in one of the hotels in town. It was exorbitantly expensive, so we ended up in one of the chain hotels located a bit more on the outskirts.

We walked (ugh!) through the town, and found a place to eat after checking out nearly every restaurant on the main street. And it was nice – another different place, the type of place that we liked to try out. And although we didn't get much sleep that night, due to a rowdy group of college students in a block of rooms above us, it was still a memorable time. For me, at least.

I wonder – maybe if I had been the one to break up, maybe these memories wouldn't hurt so much. Maybe I'd be further along, and I wouldn't feel this pang when I saw things such as the sign for Assonet, MA, remembering how he laughed at me for pronouncing it ASS – oh – net instead of ah-SAHN-et. Maybe I would actually know and wouldn't have to continually remind myself that I am better off now, moving forward, looking towards a better life in another town, away from all these memories.

What Each Brings

Immediately after my recent breakup, I talked to my best friend (the one I keep talking on and on about; I can't help it – I'm excited about moving back!) Anyway, the best piece of advice she gave me was telling me that "perhaps my last boyfriend was just there to bring me to the next part of my journey." In other words, he was part of my journey, but not the journey itself.

The other night when I called her, I talked about those lessons or parts of the journey that each of the men in my life have brought. It would be easy for me to stay angry and say that I wished I had never met them, never married, etc. But if I hadn't met them, I would have lost out on important parts of my life. For example, because of my first husband, I have my son, who is more important to me than anything else in this world! Because of my second husband, I completed my education, because he was there to cheer me on, supporting me emotionally (something I did not get from my first marriage; additionally, without that support, I probably would not have continued on.) Because of my last relationship, not only did I enjoy the company of someone who was warm and demonstrably affectionate in public, but also helped me get my car in a condition that allowed me to get to work in a new job that could open doors for me.

So, yes, each brought something to my life that I need to keep myself open to. They were important parts of my journey, the journey I will continue on until I die.

Dancing in the Living Room

Yesterday was a very, very tough day. I had to make the effort to call my son's dad regarding the tuition payment. This is always difficult, because he makes it more difficult than it needs to be. He is so distrustful of anyone, particularly when it comes to money, and because of this, he is very confrontational. I also found out yesterday that he is not even aware of how confrontational he is.

The conversation started out as usual. Although he wasn't pleasant (he never is; I've enjoyed root canals more than I have enjoyed talking with him), I'll just say he wasn't quite as unpleasant as usual. He agreed to make his payment, then agreed (I thought) to get the parent plus loan that I would pay him back. Well, somehow, I guess I didn't read his mind, because even though I had told him that I could still not get the loan because of my credit, he became very upset that I wouldn't do this, and told me he didn't want to pay the loan (which, I assured him, he wouldn't be doing). This started it off. And then it got worse. I let go with a barrage of anger that I had stored up in my for the past 25 years or so (from when we were still married to now). I couldn't stop, and when he shut down and didn't talk (as he always does) I gave him the ultimatum - let me know if you will agree to the loan or I will just tell Andrew that he's coming home and not going back. And I hung up the phone. And then I cried.

The first person I wanted to talk to was my old boyfriend because, in my (probably faulty) memories, I thought he would make me feel better. Then I got smart and called my best friend.

When I called, she had music on in the background, and explained that her husband and son were dancing in the living room and wanted her to join. It was such a contrast to my situation. I just wanted to be there, right now. It was refreshing, and it put me in such a much better mood. I assured her that I am definitely moving out there this summer, and we made plans.

That conversation turned my whole mood around. When my son's dad called back, I was able to deal with the attitude. Only a few months more and I'll be there. I'll be back where I should be - dancing in the living room.

The Real Me

Last night, before I fell asleep, I had a memory from when I was younger. It was about a gift my best friend had given me: a collection of different types of teas and honey. I don't know why, but the memory of the flavor of those teas and the honey just came back to me. It made be aware of who I was, or really, who I am.

I have strayed so far from that person that I started out as. The one who enjoyed simple pleasures. The one who was just a bit different and reveled in this. The writer, the creative spirit.

Okay, yes, I still feel creative, but I doubt myself so much more now than I used to. And enjoying the simple things like tea and friendship? I have found friends who similarly enjoy these basic pleasures, but they seem few and far between.

Is it possible to go back to where I was, to who I was? It seems hard – so many years have passed. But I do think it is. I think I can start over, start from the beginning.

Who says you can't go home?

What Do I Really Want?

I have this feeling that I have someone looking out for me You can call this being a guardian angel, higher power, whatever. I just know he or she is there and has saved me in the past by taking me out of relationships that might have put my life at risk, ruined me financially and/or destroyed my reputation.

I have been looking back on my life and just beginning to realize the danger that this being has gotten me out of. And I imagine I drive it crazy with my choices, my need to force solutions. I think if I were able to have a discussion with this being, I could hear them asking me "What do you really want?" Two or three weeks ago, I would have answered I want to be back with my boyfriend. But now I know that's not what I really want. What I want is the warmth and the love and the feeling that I was special to someone, without the "issues" No, I'm not saying I want some perfect relationship that doesn't exist; one without problems. What I do want is someone who will work together with me on the problems, rather than ignoring them and/or running away.

And my being, my angel, my whatever would answer me "that is exactly what I have in store for you. You just have to do one thing."

"What's that?" I would respond.

"You need to wait and let me take care of it. You need to trust me to make it happen when you are ready for it to happen. In other words, you need to let go. Can you do that?"

"For my personal happiness?"

"Yes, happiness that you have never fully experienced before? Ca you do that?"

I would probably think for a minute, because this whole concept of letting go is tough for me. On the outside, I know I would let go. But the inside, the part that makes unhealthy choices – that would need to be shut down. In order to do that, I would need to remember, to re-experience all the pain, and to realize how much more content I am when I do let go.

And in the end, I hope and I pray that my response will be an unequivocal Yes!

Cleansing

I did a sort of emotional cleansing process today, and strangely enough it was rather…cleansing. Since my old boyfriend will not talk to me and/or explain in any greater detail the reason for the breakup, I wrote out a letter to him with all the anger that I had been carrying around inside me over the past few weeks. Then I printed out his picture.

I took both in hand and read the letter to the picture, adding a few more comments that I hadn't included originally, telling him how upset I was that I felt that he led me on to believe he really cared for me, when, obviously, he didn't, and I felt deceived, and there was so much more. After all was said and done, and I had a good cry, I lit both the picture and the letter on fire and put them in the wood stove to burn.

And then, I felt as if the anger I had been feeling went away with the smoke. I may never know the real reason he left, but at least I can feel better about myself.

7:30 a.m.

I heard the phone ringing early today – too early to be one of my creditors trying to collect money. I got up quickly because I realized it must be the plumber who I had called yesterday evening, shortly after the gas company shut my gas off because of a leak, and informed me I needed a plumber to fix a pipe.

This was just one more thing for me, and I wondered how much more crap I could take. Considering all that I've gone through in the past month (see Is This a Test?), I don't think there's much more that I can deal with. But here I am, dealing with one more problem. I guess that's what life is all about, right? Dealing with one problem after another, and only the strong survive.

Last night I barely slept, thinking and worrying about everything that I have absolutely no control over. Well, okay, I have taken control of a few things. I worked with the college to get my payments on a more regular schedule. I got the bank to agree to wait just a bit more for my mortgage payment, and felt better knowing that they were willing to talk to me if I still had a problem paying.

Yes, I know people have it much worse than I do. There are people who are losing or have lost their homes because of unpaid medical bills. There are people dealing with family members who have died. There is so much more for some people, and I gain strength knowing that they have survived much more than what I am dealing with right now.

And I know it is just one day, and just one event, and even though it seems as if this is endless, I realize that this too, will pass, and one day I will look back at all this and realize how strong I was. I hope it will be something I will be proud of; how I survived and kept going, instead of giving in.

Being Good to Me

One of the best things that I have learned through working a program that is helpful to me is that, although I have a great deal of work to do on myself, I don't need to do it all in one day. I should take time to be good to myself, to spoil myself, and comfort myself when necessary.

Last night brought another awareness that hit out of the blue. I used to hate these things because they were so painful, but now I know they are bringing me to a better place, to a healthier place. I read some of my literature and the information was so specific to me, it seemed as if I had written it. It was about being a people pleaser, and why someone would do this. I don't think I was fully aware until that moment of why I did what I did.

Specifically, it referred to wanting to please one's parents, to know that if they liked you, then you must be okay. I can see now that I did that in my childhood. I was one of six children, and while I don't mention this to comment on whether I had good or bad parents, I will say that, at times, I did feel lost in the family. There was a lot going on, and I'm sure my parents struggled to give us all attention, but when your family is dealing with problems, you tend to get lost in the shuffle a bit.

My way of coping with this was twofold. I would tell myself its okay, and deny my feelings. Then I would do whatever I could to be a good, happy child so that they would care about me. This doesn't mean what I was doing was wrong. But the issue is that I still do this today- I shut out my own feelings for someone else, and do what I can to please them, just so they will care about me. That's not right, and that is one of the important areas I am focusing on.

I know I am a good person, deserving of love regardless of who I am. I am feeling this confidence grow inside me each day. Telling myself this on an ongoing basis is one of the ways that I intend to be good to myself.

Look on the Bright Side

Today I am tired because for some reason I couldn't sleep last night (I think the full moon was actually so bright it kept me awake!) However, I've decided to just get into work a little later. That is one thing I am grateful for right now – that I work for people who are very easygoing about my work hours, as long as I make them up. I am also getting paid today at that job, because I have people who have been pulling for me, giving me guidance to help work through the system so that I can get paid in a more reasonable fashion. I have thanked them and will continue to do so, because it's great to have them on my side.

I am also making a very nice pot roast for dinner in the crock pot, which I am figuring will be fork tender by the time I get home from work this afternoon. Right now it smells great, and I can't wait to have it tonight. It makes me feel as if I am doing something good, succeeding at something that I haven't been able to do much of over the past year (I am looking on the bright side, so I won't get into why. I'm just glad I'm getting back to this part of me that, in the past, always made me feel good about myself.)

Friends and family have been contacting me, keeping in touch, making sure I'm okay. That is a blessing that I am definitely grateful for.

I can choose to focus on the negative things in my life that make or have made me unhappy. Or I can focus on the positive things, the things that buoy me up, the little successes and the fulfillments. Hmmm…tough choice. I think I know where I'll be working to focus my thoughts from now on!

Trusting Myself

I had a big eye-opening awareness this morning about the break up. I think it had to do with trust. He always said I needed to trust him, and got aggravated that I didn't. And it was true – it's not fair to put upon someone else my leftover issues from the past relationship. I will admit to this. But, although I may be justifying my actions, he did do a few things that opened up that trust issue Pandora's box, such as admitting to me that, on occasion, he had lied to me about his whereabouts. And then there was how he constantly told me I should be with someone better, which made me think he was trying to find a way to back out of the relationship. But I digress.

I will admit that one of the biggest problems was that I got into this last relationship waaaaay too soon after my husband left. There was a lot that I needed to process that I didn't give myself a chance to do, since I was escaping into the newest relationship (sorry I keep repeating this word – can't find another word in the thesaurus to describe it!) And when you escape, you don't look into your issues until they come back and hit you with full force. I've said that before in this blog (probably using the reference to describe someone else since I wouldn't look at my own stuff.)

But one thing I did today made me realize that I am doing some good work and making progress. I have been wanting to send my last boyfriend some of his stuff and include a letter. I've been debating whether to send with the letter (that would express how I was feeling) or bring it to him in person (and, again, express how I was feeling). I wanted to do it today or tomorrow.

I decided, however, to wait until I did some more work on myself and let things settle out a bit more, sort of a "don't just do something, sit there!" choice which is actually healthy. I will have more time to consider my actions and make certain (or try to make certain) that I am doing the right thing.

All I know is that it seems that taking this step back is a very smart thing for me to do.