Cake for Breakfast

I reached for the eggs this morning (I usually have one egg for breakfast, along with coffee and one piece of whole grain toast). Then said, screw it, I'm having cake. My life is upside down right now; I don't know what the doctors will find tomorrow.

It will probably be alright. I keep telling myself that, trying to stay positive. I would probably be more positive if the doctors didn't plant that seed of doubt in my mind.They can't tell me everything will be alright. They tell me, instead, that everything might be alright. But they don't know for certain,which is why they are checking me out from the inside. What was it that my ex called doctors? Guesswork wrapped up in white coats?

I know they are doing their jobs, and that there is probably a concern about lawsuits if they said everything was fine...and then it wasn't. So, yes, they need to be completely honest. And maybe there's a 99% chance that I am okay. But, of course, I am going to concern myself with the 1%.

Tomorrow, they will find out and, hopefully, I'll know. Today, I'm having cake.

Another Year

One of my co-workers mentioned today that they did not realize my birthday (today) was so close to my procedure (which is happening Wednesday.) Somehow, for me, this is no big surprise. In my life, everything seems to happen near my birthday.

Often, it is Easter (I have had several Easter Sundays that have fallen on my birthday; hey, free chocolate to celebrate, right?) President Reagan had an assassination attempt occur on my birthday. And, if there is going to be an end of the season snowstorm, it will, undoubtedly, fall on my birthday.

But I share a birthday with Warren Beatty and Eric Clapton. Is that cool, or what? Okay, also John Astin...but Eric Clapton! Seriously!

And, yes, a lot is happening this week. And, yes, I am celebrating this alone. But not really. I have had more friends than usual congratulating me on Facebook as well as at work. And today, the highlight of my day was a birthday card I received. I knew it wouldn't be from my mother, as she is dealing with the recent death of her second husband. But today I got this card, with the back side covered (I mean covered!) with stickers. I was thinking it was from the mentally handicapped gentleman who cleaned at the last place I worked, and from whom I learned sign language to speak with him, so that he wouldn't feel so lost.

But, no, it wasn't him. It was from my choir - the choir that sang "Happy Birthday" to me on Sunday. So, no, I guess I am not as alone as I think I am.

Happy Birthday to me!

When Your Life Is On Fire

Somebody could walk into this room
And say your life is on fire
It's all over the evening news
All about the fire in your life
On the evening news

(Crazy Love, Vol.II by Paul Simon)

This is how I felt this week. I allowed things in my life to go a bit crazy, to catch fire and burn out of control. It doesn't happen often lately; I tend to keep myself guarded, and am wary of anyone who takes an interest in me.

It may have been all the things I noted the other day (upcoming birthday, health concerns) that led to what I can only refer to is a game of 'flirtation chicken." You know the game of "chicken": two cars drive towards each other until one person chickens out by moving out of the way. In this game, as well as my flirtation version, the stakes keep getting higher the closer you get to each other.

For me, it started off with gentle teasing and flirting. But there were subtle dares that kept upping the ante until, I think, we both found ourselves in a place we didn't expect to be, and then both of us veered out of the way, avoiding the crash and ensuing flames that could have consumed us both.

I know I've rationalized my reasons (see above.) I also know myself enough to know I wouldn't be in this situation if I didn't start feeling something for this person, and I know, yes, I was feeling something. And yet, the entire time, I was scared to death (although unwilling to show it.) He had a very intense personality that made me nervous while still captivating me. So, perhaps, I was being drawn in, yet my fear was causing me to seek an exit route, which may have been me, subconsciously, sabotaging this budding relationship.

Perhaps, part of me knew that, while I was attracted, I was also playing with fire. 

No Blush In These Cheeks

Two glasses of wine with my sushi. You would think that would bring the blush to these cheeks, but no. Right now, there is now blush. I don't know why (although, yes, I do have some idea why - and some concerns.) When talking to one of my 'gentleman callers" earlier this week, I could not control the blush. But not today.

I imagine it is only natural, to be concerned when one sees the radiant flush begin to diminish. And then there's the weight. Not  a lot, but I noticed it going down with each doctor's visit. I don't know why the doctors haven't seen the weight starting to go slowly down, and yet I have. But I don't know anything for certain. Waiting to know- that's not easy for me, as I've said, but I will have to wait until the procedure is done and the results are in.

Working It Back Towards Center

I talked the other day about being in stasis. Since that time, I feel as if I have allowed my life to swing wildly out of control, a pendulum far off from center. I know this is a part of life, that we go through times when we are at center, which is calm, but can be boring.

Which is how we get into the pendulum swinging stage. This is not bad in itself. Life needs a little shaking up sometimes, which is what I figured I was getting - just a little shake.

It seems I got more than a little, and now I am trying to put on the brakes, take it easy. I understand what might have brought it on. Monday is my birthday; birthdays always cause me to go a little overboard, for some reason. Perhaps it is that fear of mortality, causing me to want to try different things, taking on a "life is short"attitude.

Couple the birthday with my upcoming procedure which is really stirring up concerns about the shortness of life, and suddenly I am doing things I would never ordinarily consider.

So I am picking up the pieces, feeling as if I am cleaning up after a wild party. I'm no teenager, though,and maybe it's about time I was a bit more responsible.

Doing Fine For a Woman My Age

Next week I celebrate another birthday. The earth has gone around the sun one more time, and yet I don't feel any older. Apparently, the men around here don't think I have gotten any older, either.

I have two interested in me (again! Why is it always two!) One is nine years younger; the other is 16 years younger. I have yet to figure out why either is interested, but, judging from our conversations (and my ongoing,almost interrogative questioning,) they are.

I admit that I am more interested in the older one. I have met him, and while most of the first date did not go as well as I had expected, his kiss afterwards was so passionate, and our conversations have only added fuel to that fire (and his voice makes my knees weak!) We are already looking forward to our next date (which, unfortunately, cannot happen for another week, due to our schedules.) But we are keeping in contact, and getting to know each other very well.

The second has not met me yet, and can't for another week and a half. And I have a feeling he may be nudged out of the way. He is nice, and we have had good conversations, but nothing beats actually meeting someone in person.

So getting older might just actually mean getting better. Perhaps these two gentlemen truly embrace what Benjamin Franklin said when he wrote "In Praise of Older Women."

Not Knowing the Expectations

I believe I have written in this blog that "expectations are premeditated resentments." I have known people who have had an issue with that statement, and I am beginning to understand that.What I am seeing is that expectations can definitely cause frustrations. And pain. And hurt.

For example, I don't think the girl upstairs expected a total emotional meltdown from her girlfriend to occur at 5:30 a.m.this morning (and I know I didn't expect it as well.) I don't think her girlfriend expected (what seems to be) an end to the relationship (although, who knows what will happen here?)

And I didn't expect certain people I had cared about  to leave me, and for me to experience such a level of hurt afterwards. It is one of those things I have, in time, learned to accept, but I admit I didn't expect.

But I also didn't know I would then meet other, interesting people. What comes next? I don't know! Maybe I am learning not to have expectations.

Currently in Stasis

This describes my health diagnosis as well as my love life. I am in this area where I am just here; I don't know what will happen with my health. I don't know where my love life is going. It is what it  is (as they say.)

It will be several weeks before I know about my health. I had a doctor visit today, and she reacted favorably to my comment about how I learned recently that my older sister had gone through a similar procedure that I am going through, and did not have any issues. I hope that is my case as well.

As for my love life- who knows. I am trying to stay open to the possibilities.

Tests and More Tests

I have to go to another doctor today. Apparently if you get checked by an OB/GYN and need a procedure done, you need the approval of a primary care doctor, and if you don't have one, you need to find one. It is just a mixed up situation, but it is getting me out to the doctors so I can be fully checked out.

At least several areas of concern have been ruled out; just one small spot that is probably a polyp  (I keep telling myself - in the voice of "Ahnold" that "It's not a tumah!") I'm hoping it's not, and the doctor seems to feel it isn't as well, but just wants to check it out with an internal camera.

All I can think of is the line from the Vapor's song "Turning Japanese" about having the doctor take my picture "so I can look at you inside as well." Weird, yes, but it will soon be true.

It's Easier When You Stop Caring

When I told a single friend about my disastrous exploits in the dating world, she said it could be fun if you don't take it seriously. I realized that, although I liked the feeling of the possibility of a relationship that I experienced with the last two men, I now know that burdening someone with what I am going through right now would not be fair to them, so a relationship is out of the question.

But I can still be friends, and just date,  as my friend had said. The realization that I could date now since I don't care anymore about what happens seems even better, especially since there are a number of men, including one that I've been talking with recently, who would prefer a no strings attached relationship.

Imagine the freedom of that, particularly in light of my current situation! No strings means I don't have to tell them about my problems, and when things in my life get serious, I can just move on. I would bet that the other men I had met would have preferred that to the possibility of getting involved with someone with these types of issues, right? No strings attach - allows me to just float away.

Big "C" Concerns Trump Relationship Issues

So those of you keeping track, my love life sucks. It completely sucks. But guess what might suck more? My health! Yay (I guess).

I have been going through tests that I never thought I would be going through, because those forms of the Big C that attack the female body parts don't affect my family, as far as I know (and now as I am typing this, I am wondering about my dad's side of the family that we lost touch with.) And I always thought that I would know I was sick because I would be losing weight (and not just from my attempts at dieting and exercise.) And I have not been doing that - at least in large amounts!

And I haven't "felt" sick (beyond the usual stuff I deal with, that generally has to do with sinus infections because of allergies.) So I am hoping that this doesn't mean anything. But in any case, it is enough for me to concern myself for now. So, maybe, it was better that I didn't have a new relationship, I didn't have someone new to involve in this whole situation.

Yeah, I guess maybe I'm just taking it all on myself (well, not all - I've already told one family member, and will let more know if it gets to be more serious, so I know I have them backing me.) But overall - this really sucks.

It's The Connection

I was laying in bed this morning, thinking. I need to think through a lot of what I go through, to process it in order to understand it. I was thinking about what I missed most about these relationships that ended; why I needed them. And I realized, I missed the daily connection.

Don't get me wrong. The romance was nice. It was great to get a Valentine's gift for the first time in years, to have someone take me out, to make out like teenagers. Touch is so important, and one can crave it when one doesn't get it for a while.

But I really missed the daily emails from the last guy, and the daily texts from the other. The talking, and flirting, and even just the "How is your day?" One of the best digital moments I had with the last guy was when we were emailing and both of us noted how we were in our respective places, having coffee and watching the news. There - that's the connection.

It is possible that my wanting that connection may have made me appear needy, and I may have been needy for the time being. As I have been communicating with a friend from my past, I realized that he knows me well enough to see that this too shall pass.I may be needy right now, but once the connection is established and I get my needs met, that neediness disappears. Those men who didn't know me couldn't see that. It's part of the process of discovery in any type of relationship.

Connecting with friends is what I have decided I need most right now. That will get me through this storm.

Cold vs. Caring

I think what shocked and hurt me the most about the email that I got, today telling me that we did not have a good "match" was the coldness of the tone of the email. It was almost clinical in manner; so much different than the ones I had written to other people when things weren't working out for us, and the exact opposite of what I had received in communication from this man before. I read it and wondered how this could come about, and what did the hundreds of emails and dozens of phone calls, all warm and fuzzy in tone actually mean in relation to this? What was real? What was a lie?

Fortunately, I had the sense to reach out to someone who has been there for me for over a year now. Why aren't we together?Well, we are separated by a little over 100 miles, and he is still working through issues from his last marriage.

But we have been there for each other, and when I told him about how much I was hurting from the ending of the last two relationships, and asked him why this happened, he said something that put it in perspective for me: he said that we (he and I) just care. He and I have talked to each other, and listened to each other, and have been there for each other, even though the miles and our situations have separated us.

Perhaps things do happen for a reason. I told him I would wait for things to work out. I would rather wait than put myself through more pain, especially if it means waiting for him. I'm glad to wait and see.

Not Gonna Lie - This Sucks

So, here I am, back at square one, left by another guy. Although I have been working on myself and doing what I can to keep learning and improving, I can say that this one was definitely not my fault. I sort of saw the writing on the wall, so to speak, but ignored it.

This was my takeaway - you cannot compete with a ghost (dead spouse.) He had mentioned his wife who had died at a young age practically every time we talked. It was interwoven in almost every conversation we had - the trips he had with her, for example. I knew this could be a problem, but I was hoping it wouldn't.

We had a wonderful first date, and continued writing and talking, and made our plans for our second date. We just talked on the phone yesterday for over an hour; something you don't do if you are not happy with another person. But then, just as the last one, he admitted something personal to me, recounting a sad story that happened to him shortly after the death of his wife. And I could tell right then that his admission would/could cause him to pull away. And even though I sent a kind and understanding response, he did just as I expected. He left.

So, I am hurting.Again. I know I need to go on - that's what I am about. I can't just shut down.I am not someone who will just give up,or get bitter. I have to remind myself that I can learn from everything that happens to me, and each of these relationships offers me a great deal to learn.

I wish, though, that there was a map that would show me where to go next. I hate being lost like this and in pain. The pain will pass, I know, and the way will show itself to me someday. I just don't know when.

No Shame In Wanting to be Loved

I think the one thing I had wanted to tell the last person I was with was that I don't believe in shaming someone, no matter what they have gone through. I have been with people who have been through a lot, and I was impressed - and never embarrassed - by all they have been through. I've been through enough myself. I have no place judging others.

But I have been beating myself up for falling so quickly for this person. And yet, I realize, I needed that at that time.I can't really speak for him, but I can only guess that he did, too. I don't think there is any shame in wanting to open myself to caring, to love, even if it only lasted a few short weeks. I had not trusted anyone for months (for years, actually) and it was nice to be in a place where I felt comfortable. I wanted to know I could be loved, and I feel that I was, if even for that short period of time.

Relationships can last several hours, several years, or several decades. I still see this as a loving relationship that I needed at that time. There's no shame in that.