Critically Thinking Relationships

This morning I woke up again around 5, but, unlike the last couple of days where I ended up staying awake, I actually fell back asleep after about an hour of thinking. And it was very, very productive thinking that helped to give me some closure and focus me forward.

Again, it was about the relationship. I starting making an important connection between things that this guy had told me about his exes and things I knew about how relationships work. First, I knew they all has several things in common - the seemed like attractive, smart, warm and fiscally responsible. I am all but the last, but am getting to that point. And what else did these relationships women have in common? They all rejected him.

Now one thing I learned some time back is that we keep doing the same thing because we get some benefit out of it; whether it is a warm, fuzzy feeling or some connection to something in a previous part of our lives, usually our childhood. We keep going back to the same place, doing the same thing, because we want, or feel on some level, we deserve to receive that feeling or benefit. Unless we become aware of what we are doing and why, we will continue on with the same pattern.

So that was part of the puzzle, and I realized that if I continued on my current path (or had been there earlier, when we met), we probably would have dated longer, maybe have gotten more serious. but still would have ended up apart, only this time I would be doing the break up.

And then, I need to really think what this means to me? What do I keep doing? Well, for one, I keep falling for men who are very insecure. You see, I learned about the false fronts some people put up to make it look as if they are doing wonderfully well, and nothing upsets them. They can seem very endearing because they want to please so much, and, let's face it, it's nice to have someone saying and doing nice things.

The only problem is that this is a facade. It is a fake front, like the ones in movies. It seems very nice, but what is behind it is a lot of insecurity, and if that starts faltering, the real person might come through, and that's a great fear. So the person who tries to love this false person, never gets to know them; never gets into an in-depth relationship.

I know I have insecurities, too, something I keep working on. And as I work on them, I also need to be aware of why I make my choices and what I am really looking for. And so, for now, I will write and read and think. And not date!