Talking, Relaxing and Processing

I am taking a well deserved and much needed vacation, visiting my family, and taking it easy. This is not what I am used to, and I can see it is what I should be doing. Being aware of everything around me - the trees, birds, sun - as I sit in the sunroom of my sister's house makes me appreciative of just being alive.

I have been talking with them the past few days; they are good people to talk to. While we chat away about the usual family gossip, I have also gotten out more about what I went through with this past break up, and it has offered me a chance to process the event even more.

Additionally, I have been in email conversations with the last guy (his choice), which is offering me more closure; much more than I got from any other relationship. His take is still that the breakup was primarily his fault, and he is seeing what he still needs to work on (and, admittedly, his willingness to work on himself was a key reason that I wanted to stay with him.) I will say, though, that it wasn't just him; it was us.

For example, I can see that we didn't have the same ideas about what it takes to stay in a relationship or what makes a relationship good. As a woman (or, perhaps, as just being me), I am a huge proponent of making sure to communicate openly, even when things are not going right. His way - the way he was brought up to believe - is to work at being your best, but avoid those spots where communicating might be tough. Or, if communicating was going to involve work, then, perhaps, this wasn't the relationship one should be in. Or, at least that was what I was understanding.

I know what he said, what I said, etc., is no longer of importance, except for purposes of what I can learn from it. And what I am learning is that I was willing to overlook the communication issues for now because I thought they would be worked on in the future. But, even more importantly, I learned that you can't expect someone to change for you. You can change yourself, and then take your time to seek the person who more closely shares what you most value. That is the only way you can connect and be happy.

And, until that time, you relax, enjoy nature, and the company of others. And continue to learn.

The More I Read, the More I Understand

I found after each break up, I starting reading everything I could on relationships. Admittedly, I often do this so I can say "oh, so that's his problem!" But what I find, time and again, is that I learn more about myself, which helps to propel me forward and keep working on me.

For example, I have been reading a lot of Mark Manson pieces, since coming across his post on why you can't trust yourself (or, at least, what your mind is telling you.) This set me off into different reading material, including his other pieces as well as Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert, which I have just ordered.

And while doing this research and reading, I came across a new concept - value words. It has to do with truly examining what is most important to you, and determining to find someone who shares those values. For example, I realized honesty and humor were important to me, But through talking with other people, I also realized that pet ownership (particularly dogs) and music/dancing were important. And so was gardening (even though I don't have one here.) And a focus on what is real and down to earth, rather than money/material focused. So, if I found someone with those values I would be happier.

It explained a lot. For example, why I was so uncomfortable in my last long term relationship (the one in Rochester); he was never comfortable with the cat and his focus was on his antiques. Lack of pet ownership may have been part of the problem with the last person I dated (in spite of the fact that he got along with them.) For him, I am beginning to see it was his extreme need for privacy, where I wanted things a bit more open.

So, right now, instead of feeling depressed, I am super energized making new discoveries about myself and just beginning to understand what I want and need!

Mystery Man

I wanted to talk about how I was hoping to send an email to my latest ex-boyfriend (I mean, what should I call him), to let him know, in emotionally intelligent terms that sending me an e-card wishing me a happy Mother's Day four days after he inexplicably broke up with me is just a wee bit painful for me, but it keeps coming out "What the fuck is your problem, you fucking asshole! Why can't you grow the fuck up!" And that is definitely not an emotionally intelligent way to speak (although it makes me feel a whole lot better.)

So, instead, I am going to talk about my mystery man, whom I am going to refer to as my "Rowan Atkinson." No, he doesn't look like Mr. Bean, but I bring up dear Rowan because of a bit of movie trivia (and anyone who knows me, knows I love movie trivia!) So here it is - did you know that in the movie "Love, Actually", Rowan Atkinson was supposedly playing an angel who intervenes at key moments to help people at pivotal points in the movie?

Then, who is this "angel"? Well, back in March, there was a handsome gentleman in line for my play who started to talk to me, because he recognized me from the photo, and wanted to let me know how much he enjoyed the show (this was his second time seeing it.) And, for the first time since I started dating this last person, I actually found myself interested in someone, and part of my brain began to realize there might be a different path for me.

Now, in retrospect, I don't know if this person was "the one" (heck, I don't even know if he was married, or gay, or both.) But I know he was sort of a messenger, letting me know that there was somebody better out there for me, someone who would genuinely be interested in me, and someone who wouldn't let me know six months into the relationship the they were sorry but they never felt anything for me. Someone who was real and truly in touch with that. Someone worth waiting for.

Something Better

I guess I am coming to the point of exhaustion that I am supposed to achieve, once I have been punching and punching in my anger, and now my anger is wearing me out. I can’t punch anymore. I can cry it out, which, maybe I should have done a week ago. But I was too proud to cry all day. I am not the one to stay in bed over a simple break up, right?

This wasn’t a simple break up, though. I believed in this relationship, even though the signs were all there that it wasn’t going to work. I mean, take the “love” incident about 3 months in. I know he said “I love you” not just once but twice at the door as he was leaving one evening. His response was that he was in auto mode. But shortly after that time, when  I wrote to him and questioned his interest in me, he added in the middle of a whole, long email response that covered how attractive he found me, how interested he was in me, that he - yes - loved me. I mentioned it again and he denied it - until I copied and pasted the section of the email! And he said that perhaps this was his subconscious speaking. And I wanted to believe that, and that, eventually, he would actually say it to me.

My friends and family have all said that I dodged a bullet here, and now, I have to agree. Something or someone is looking out for me, telling me “girl, you deserve someone so much better! And he will be here - just be patient!”

As sad as I have been, I will say that this spurs me forward. I know it will happen.

Dear John

I am certain I wrote about this earlier in my blog (I am betting that if I had tagged this name and/or situation and ran a search, it would come up at least a half a dozen times!) The situation I am referring to is the man I dated in college who was from around here but went to school near me. Did I say what a nice, warm, kind, intelligent person he was, and what great times we had together? If I didn't, I should have.

I was in my final year in college in Ohio and he was, if I remember correctly, in his first year of grad school. We met at a party up here, and carried the romance with us back to college. It was, I believe, one of the few times that I opened up and let go and gave into someone. It was also a doomed romance, however, but not because of him.

When I look back now, I know it was my insecurities that doomed it. Things were going great, and then a friend of mine pointed out a minor flaw- the fact that he was young and was going bald. I remember just how she said it, in this snarky joking manner, as if saying "I can't believe you would date someone like that." Had I been more confident, I would have shrugged it off and said it didn't matter to me, because this was a good guy. But, no, my insecure nature self focused on that and obsessed on it until it became all I could think about.

And then, in this state of mind, I took in everything and obsessed about them as well. And then I just knew I had to break up with him because, well, how could I possibly be with someone as imperfect as he was (in my mind, at least)?

To this day, I admit I regret doing that, and have made it the key reason that I look seriously at myself and my choices. The more confident I become, the more aware of how shallow I was back then, and how that hurt me.

I say this now, because I realized that this may have been why the other person ended this relationship; in fact, judging from how it was going and how it ended, I am almost certain of it. I have already talked about his insecurities which I became aware of as time went on. It is unfortunate for him that he did not have the confidence that I had earlier imagined I saw in him. If I could teach him one thing, it would be to work on this confidence; put his past behind him and embrace what makes him truly happy, because that is what makes connection special

Letting Go Again

When I was working on my program to deal with my family problem, I remember people saying that "everything they let go of had scratch marks all over it." I was never completely certain of what they meant, and realized recently that they were just saying that they had a hard time letting go, and kept trying to hold onto something.

I did this before (I think of a break up shortly after my marriage with embarrassed regret), but now I find that I have let go, even when it is hard. It may have hurt, but I knew I had to do it. I went back to my books and readings, and relied on friends, and, like one fighting through an addiction, made it. I stopped hanging on; I learned to move on.

What can one say, however, when the other party, the one who said goodbye, needs to, perversely, hang on? Is this a subtle form of torture that I had not been taught about? My latest has first told me that I could contact him whenever I wanted (and, I am thinking, not anytime soon; at least not in this century.) And then, today, he sent me an ecard for Mother's Day. Lovely. I know if I questioned him on it, he would say he was only being nice (I think the word he is looking for here is manipulative.) It took all of my patience to just thank him. Who does this sort of stuff?

In my other post, I mentioned how false people need to make sure that everyone is happy. I am guessing that this explains this behavior, sort of "sorry I totally f*cked up your life, but I don't want you to be mad at me because I can't deal with that, so please accept this card." My response, in kind (in my mind, at least) is "please grow the f*ck up.'

I can move on; I can continue to read and work on myself. Trying to understand why people act this way? That's not so easy.

The Rich Are Very Different

"Let me tell you about the very rich. They are different from you and me. They possess and enjoy early, and it does something to them, makes them soft where we are hard, and cynical where we are trustful, in a way that, unless you were born rich, it is very difficult to understand. They think, deep in their hearts, that they are better than we are because we had to discover the compensations and refuges of life for ourselves. Even when they enter deep into our world or sink below us, they still think that they are better than we are. They are different. ”

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Fitzgerald wrote this almost a century ago, and yet it is still true today. What I think has changed,though, is that the old money rich are more aware, more cognizant (although, admittedly, they are definitely not open to anyone in a class below them breaking into their echelon of society.) The new money, or "nouveau riche" try to emulate the old money rich, while those from old money just scoff.

And, yet, those of the new money class scoff at anyone from the middle class. This is what is currently a part of the current election (although the middle class refuse to see it; they refuse to see how they are just a vote to a current republican candidate, who will be long forgotten once he is elected.)

And me, from the middle class up bringing, with parents who wanted to upgrade our status? Well, it ain't so easy, I have learned, to date someone who is upper middle class and, who, as Fitzgerald notes, thinks he is better than me, because he wants more, as he is used to more. Because, unlike his last few wives (who, I am guessing, caught on to him) I do not have that six figure salary that he so desires, which could bring him so many shiny, pretty things. And reading back to emails from him from last week, I have realized that this was his focus all along.

Critically Thinking Relationships

This morning I woke up again around 5, but, unlike the last couple of days where I ended up staying awake, I actually fell back asleep after about an hour of thinking. And it was very, very productive thinking that helped to give me some closure and focus me forward.

Again, it was about the relationship. I starting making an important connection between things that this guy had told me about his exes and things I knew about how relationships work. First, I knew they all has several things in common - the seemed like attractive, smart, warm and fiscally responsible. I am all but the last, but am getting to that point. And what else did these relationships women have in common? They all rejected him.

Now one thing I learned some time back is that we keep doing the same thing because we get some benefit out of it; whether it is a warm, fuzzy feeling or some connection to something in a previous part of our lives, usually our childhood. We keep going back to the same place, doing the same thing, because we want, or feel on some level, we deserve to receive that feeling or benefit. Unless we become aware of what we are doing and why, we will continue on with the same pattern.

So that was part of the puzzle, and I realized that if I continued on my current path (or had been there earlier, when we met), we probably would have dated longer, maybe have gotten more serious. but still would have ended up apart, only this time I would be doing the break up.

And then, I need to really think what this means to me? What do I keep doing? Well, for one, I keep falling for men who are very insecure. You see, I learned about the false fronts some people put up to make it look as if they are doing wonderfully well, and nothing upsets them. They can seem very endearing because they want to please so much, and, let's face it, it's nice to have someone saying and doing nice things.

The only problem is that this is a facade. It is a fake front, like the ones in movies. It seems very nice, but what is behind it is a lot of insecurity, and if that starts faltering, the real person might come through, and that's a great fear. So the person who tries to love this false person, never gets to know them; never gets into an in-depth relationship.

I know I have insecurities, too, something I keep working on. And as I work on them, I also need to be aware of why I make my choices and what I am really looking for. And so, for now, I will write and read and think. And not date!

Acceptance and Anger

I keep fluctuating between the two points on that scale of grief, jumping between anger and acceptance with this whole thing (because, honestly, we do grieve the end of relationships.) Part of the time I have been thinking "Well, it's better that it's over so I won't need to go through wondering if he was interested or just hanging on" and "Why the hell is this happening now! I thought things were finally starting to work out!"

They may have been, and they could have been. We had a lot in common, except one telling trait - open communication. He kept himself closed tight, and I liked to get things straightened out by talking them out. I remember telling him about the fight scene in my play, and saying that I had this experience in my two marriages; all couples do. And he said "I never fight. I don't get angry." Well, that's a bold faced lie, because I saw him get angry about a number of things. He just told me about them, but not the person he was angry with. He avoided conflict whenever possible, which might be why he had the issues with his other marriages, and now, with me.

I have to admit - I knew he might get a little concerned with the email that I sent him, questioning where things were going. I was hoping that he would see it as a chance to open up and talk to me (which he did, at least about his time issues and all.) I knew, though, that it could lead to us breaking up, and I was ready to take that chance, just to know where I stood.

And, so, the accepting side of me is saying it is better now, not living a lie of a relationship.

No More

I remember that strange feeling I had on the first date; that something was just a bit off, especially at the end. He went into this whole story about how busy he would be, how he lived with his mother, etc., etc. And I was certain right there he was going to say "and I don't think it is going to work." Even after he hugged me rather than kissed me in the parking lot, I got the vibe it wasn't going to work, and that stayed with me all the way home. So I was quite surprised when he emailed me, telling me he had a good time and wanted to see me again.

Lesson learned from this: trust your gut. In the past few weeks, he has been pulling away just a bit - still having a good time, but I could tell this was not going anywhere. And today, I emailed him, asking him whether this was turning into a friendship, because that was not what I signed on for. And he responded with a lengthy email, one of those "it's not you, it's me" and complete with comments that, although not specifically stated, were clearly coded to mean that he felt I had a "great personality" (big girls are always aware of different phrases and what they really mean.) I am thinking he is still not over his ex, and he is also more superficial then I had expected; I always felt that I was not thin enough, pretty enough or rich enough for him.

And he said that I was not making an emotional connection with him, and I am thinking it is very hard to do when someone is keeping you at an arm's length, emotionally!

So much more I want to write, but not here. Realizations that I made in the past few weeks that gave me greater insight into him and his possible primary focus (which was actually there all along, but I wouldn't listen.) All those frustrations that have been building because of lack of communication. Those will be written out in a letter and destroyed, For now, it's just time for me to learn from this and move on.

The Six Month Shuffle

Right now, I am almost at the six month mark in the relationship, and I can see that we are doing the six month shuffle, meaning things feel as if they are going two steps forward and one step back. We had been making great progress, but that was just the beginning. Now, we are at the point where we (well, I) start to question things, wondering if this is getting serious or is it just one of those things, as the song says.

I think women do this instinctively, wondering what is going on, how he feels overall, is what we have worth it. I wish that I could just leave it and not ask questions, not wonder. But then, that would mean what we had would just stagnate, not moving forward but just existing.

I think I may have been okay with that in the past, but now that I have learned so much about me, and also because I have gotten older and begun to realize that life is too short, I don't feel I want to do that any more. I want to be in a relationship where I mean something to someone. I want to know that.

Just existing is not enough anymore. I want to thrive.