Take the Message and Run for It!

I've been talking about what I learned from the last relationship (okay, some of my family would probably call it a hook up, but I think a relationship does not have to be long term, and can last an hour, a day, a week. etc., so I deem this a relationship.) What I learned is this:  I am much more comfortable now with my body and how I express myself in a more sexual manner, and that is not bad.

I'll admit that I refer to this as my "last" relationship (as opposed to my "last relationship" :) because I think - I hope - that it is over. Is that bad? The further I got away from it with all the busy stuff in my life, the more I realized this was not going to last long.

Often, I will refer to relationships that are based on, well, sex, as being like dessert. They are fun, but you can't survive on them. This was like a marshmallow peep. Lots of fun that was quickly burned off. I would feel really bad about myself if I was upset that this was over. It was just fluff; just fun. Nothing else.

Well, one thing else. It made me feel alive, made me feel like I am a wonderfully, beautiful person, no matter what size I am. I don't doubt that it instilled a bit more confidence in me that allowed me to talk to the men at the conference in a calm, secure way, because I did not feel less than. I was...I am...someone intelligent,. creative and talented. I don't need someone else to remind me of that anymore. I am frickin' incredible!

Lesson Review

We return to lessons in our life if we haven't learned them the first time. I feel I am back to a place I was at many years ago, before my second marriage. The lesson is to relax and learn. And I think, it is also not to judge.

Before my marriage, I met and dated a handful of men, but one stood out in particular. He was a little rougher than me; not someone I would expect to be with in the long term, but the short term was fine (which is exactly how it ended up; just a few short months). But I learned to relax and appreciate the body as it is and not what the media pushes as the ideal body type because of him. And I also learned to let go and accept that this was all the lesson was about.

Not each person I meet will be a potential long term partner, but the connection can still be important.I think I just need to be open to what I will learn, and then, what I can take with me.

Body Confidence

He might have been lying, but I have to say it is the first time in a long, long time that someone said he liked my body, and definitely made me aware of how much he enjoyed it. When I protested that I was too big, he was honest (not exactly saying I was thin) but noting the beauty of my size. I think that was something I needed just then.

I have to say that I was expecting something more, well, serious, but this was just fun. I am realizing a big part of my problem is looking for "the one" and not realizing that I can appreciate what each person brings.And while I don't think this will be the relationship I want in the long term, it was the relationship I needed last night. And, no, I don't know if it will continue, but that doesn't bother me.

What it did was make me more confident in myself and my abilities to continue on, and that as just enough.

Oh What Fun!

Okay, this is probably more enjoyable for me right now because I already have one person on my site who I already know who is interested in me (I need to devote a whole post or two to my recent reconnection with Mr. GQ) as well as several men in real life with whom I feel a connection.

Tonight, though, I have been dealing with scammers and trolls. And while generally I would not give them a second of my time, tonight I am playing with them,  This must be how a cat feels when it toys with its prey. It knows the prey is not going to survive, but, hey, why not play with it before watching it get demolished.

I know, I need to be careful, lest I become the prey. It is a bit of retribution, though, for one who has been hurt. I will go on, I know. And if I take a moment and follow the recent cues in my life, I could actually have my happy ending.

But I need to lash back every once in awhile.

Well Meaning Friends and Family

My son recognized the issue with this last relationship before I did. I don't remember how much I said about this man's brother, but since I told my son that the two of them were together the day after our last date, my son figured they talked. And I did get the sense from this person that his brother was somewhat controlling, so I am fairly certain that, as my son mentioned, the brother talked the guy I was with out of the relationship.

My best friend is constantly giving me conflicting advice. She tells me not to get involved with someone else, because she is concerned I will end up in another bad relationship, but at the same time, wonders why I am not with someone. Sorry - I can't be in both of these situations simultaneously!

I can say for my friend that she has no idea what is it like to date at my age. She has been married 25 years; she hasn't dated for at least 30 years (maybe more; I think she dated her husband for 8 years.) She tells me to stay away from dating sites, but does not realize there are not many ways to meet single men at this age (I avoid the bar scene like the plague; dating sites may not be perfect, but they are better than bars. Not by much, but at least slightly better.)

I wonder what advice my last date's brother gave him about me. If they talked about the fact that I wasn't exactly excited about guns, I am guessing he labeled me with one of those new, inflammatory labels reserved for people you don't know who have opinions you assume are different than your own. I am betting he told my guy he was better off without me and that there was someone better out there. And that might be true. I am not certain I would be happy in a relationship where the brother had the last word on everything.

Insecurity

I know when I get in these situations, I need to write and write in order to process it. I also think and think. I go over what happened so I can figure out why I feel hurt and how to approach the situation better (or, better, to see the signs and avoid it) if it happens again.

I now realize that I am hurting because I just started to trust. I started to feel that this is a nice guy who is not merely interested in sex; someone who seems interested in me and might actually stay around. He seemed so mellow and laid back, that I didn't see that this was a way of covering his insecurity.

From my own experience, I can say that I know how insecurity affects you and tells you to see things differently. I remember when I was younger, and I would fall for someone, only to find this one fault that would turn me off. It would be very minor; the way someone talked, the thinness of their hands. I remember losing one wonderful relationship because I bought into the concern that a friend had mentioned about the fact that the guy I was seeing was prematurely balding (in his 20's). What happens is this thing that I notice starts off small, but then it becomes a huge area of focused obsession until my thinking tells me that I need to get away from this person, now.

That was a while ago, and I have since grown and matured and realized that we are all imperfect, which is what makes us interesting. But I am thinking that there was some small thing about me that set this guy off. It may have been the fact that I drank a beer with my meal when he did not drink, or the fact that I mentioned that I could tell he smoked.

What I really think it might have been though,was a possible concern that I was a "snob." He had mentioned how the people in this area were snobs, and then I realized that I live in a nice apartment, filled with books and nice art, and I made comments about my teaching college. I didn't try to laud this over him, but if you are insecure (and you also rely on your brother's opinion about what to do with your life), then this can become an issue that starts small and then grows greater and greater in your mind.

So, lesson learned. I will look for the signs of insecurity in the future.

Where are All the Emotionally Healtthy Men At?

First I didn't write on my site for a while, because I had given up on men. Then I went back to dating, and didn't write because I thought I found someone who was actually emotionally healthy. And then, today, I found out he wasn't

He pursued me almost frantically for over a week. Even when we started to see each other, he wanted to see me more, and contacted me continuously. This wasn't over a long period of time, mind you. Just a few short weeks, but the pursuit was intense, and it came primarily from him.

We spent several hours together yesterday, just playing cards and talking, and flirting. I did kiss him, but in the context of situation (without giving away the focus of his conversation), that did not seem like a big deal. I think I even asked about things (us) and how this seems to be going forward, right? And without a beat, he said something to the effect of "of course."

Something, though, told me not to stop and introduce him to people in my apartment who were outside when we went walking, because a part of me sensed he would be like the others; he wouldn't stay around. I knew, too, not to mention something today to my best friend. I don't know why, but I just knew.

The message from him today, though, was still like a punch in the gut when I read it. I tried to draw on all that I have learned about emotional intelligence and make sure that if I made a choice to respond, it would come through my heart. But (or maybe because of this) I had to tell him, I was hurt, even though I knew enough to let go with grace. I had to put it out there.

So, I let go. And I decided to stop dating, because I was tired of getting hurt. And here's the deal, the takeway, what I learned from this. The biggest issue with dating sites is this. People fall in love with what they expect you to be from what they see in your picture and your profile. But when they meet the real flesh and blood person, the person who may not speak or look as perfectly as you expect them to, who might not be the ideal you have  built up in your head - well, then they bail. Does it matter? You were only a profile after all to them. You weren't actually a real person.