Nice is Really Not So Bad

In that last relationship, before it went up in flames, I had mentioned to this guy that there had been another man interested in me at the same time that this guy was contacting me. I told him the other guy was "nice"  but I said it in a way that made nice sound, well, not so nice. In retrospect, I think I did it that way to make this guy feel better (I think I said, "he was too nice for me" which inferred that nice was boring.)

Earlier this week, after it was clear the other guy was gone and not coming back, I contacted Mr. Nice Guy, apologized for everything, and asked if he was still interested. He told me he appreciated the apology, but it was not necessary, as he understood how relationships can come and go. And then he said the best thing - not only did he say yes (he was still interested), he told me he "kept the door open." And we have been talking non-stop ever since.

So, maybe the lesson here is that nice is not so bad. In fact, nice is good - it is probably what I need, even when I don't think I do. I feel I am in a better place. Nice is...nice.

What We Want to Believe

It is very easy to play the blame game, and say the other person is completely at fault when a relationship ends. But I try to be honest (I try!) and if I am honest, I know that I contributed. A lot had to do with my trust issues, although I thought that I was clear about having them, and tried to be clear about what I needed to help me (making a point of talking at a specific time, for example, and keeping one's promises.)

But the biggest issue was that I wanted to believe. He would say we were going to do this and that, and I wanted to believe. He would say he was going to come out and see me more, and I wanted to believe.

The thing is, he wanted to believe, too, but couldn't see that he kept making promises he couldn't keep. Denial is a bitch, and it would be so easy if I could say to him 'you're in denial about this, or that" and he would say 'oh,okay, I understand." Unfortunately, denial is something happening on a subconscious level, so we are not even aware of what is happening.

I want to believe that this has been an eye-opening learning experience for me, because I want to continue to get better and grow. Hopefully, I'm not in denial.

No, I'm Not Perfect

Well, I said in my last post that I would wait, but as I waited, I saw that the messages to me from the person I was dating which had been up to 40-50 a day during the first few weeks of our relationship were now down to 2-3/day. That was not something that came about slowly, which could happen when the relationship matures (and the couple sees each other quite often.) No, that was the entirety of our contact that happened so suddenly, I didn't even know what was happening.

I tried contacting him at first, but that led to the first decrease in messages. So when I noted that I was wondering if he wanted out, he said everything was okay. No, everything was not okay. The messages decreased even more. No phone calls when there had been at least 2 a day. Now it was a couple of texts, most just consisting of this response to my text: "ok."

I don't know for certain what the problem is, but I think (and can only assume) that it was because I expressed my displeasure over a situation (and, given the situation, I am certain I am not the first to complain, nor will I be the last.) Denial is a very strong force; it is much easier to deny a situation than make the effort to do something about it, based on what one is hearing over and over and over again. Like water and electricity, we, as humans, often follow the path of least resistance. Not changing a situation, even if it makes us unhappy, might be preferable to a new situation that we enjoy, especially if the first does not require any change on one's part.

There is another issue I've run into in other relationships, and I am wondering if that is what happened here. As soon as I expressed my displeasure, I was no longer the perfect girlfriend that this person (and others before him) needed. I was just another woman who didn't understand.

I may never understand. It is very hard to understand something that isn't being communicated to you. But I do know that I'm not perfect. I also know that he was not perfect. That didn't stop me from caring about him. If you can't care about someone with imperfections, though, then there are issues. The relationship of perfections is a superficial one. I prefer one that is real, in spite of how much work that might involve. I just want to be in one where both partners are willing to do the work.

Fatigue

It was an interesting word they used in the news today to describe the workers who are dealing with the multiple water breaks in the area. The reporter said the workers were "fatigued." It caught my attention. Immediately, I thought of these people, men and women (I am guessing) who were frustrated and tired from dealing with what probably seems like an unending problem. I thought of them bringing that frustration home to their family, their loved ones; trying to keep their cool, but probably feeling that relentless edginess that comes with feeling stressed.

I felt as if a light bulb went off for me. I was trying to wrestle with what to do with this relationship. I was feeling frustrated (and vented in an email.) I am fairly certain that he is feeling frustrated with my venting, as well as everything else going on in his life. When your plate is full to begin with, and then more gets dumped on your plate, and you try to figure out a way to deal with all of it, it does seem endless, and you can feel very fatigued.

What I realize I have been doing is adding to that frustration because I am trying to get the relationship back to where it was before fatigue set in; when we were together in that warm cocoon at the outset. We have been through a lot in a short amount of time, though. I sort of knew this was moving fast, faster than I had expected, but decided I was ready for the ride. Now, I think, reality is setting in. Or it might just be fatigue. I don't know.

I think the best thing for me to do, though, is to take a step back and take care of myself. It doesn't mean I've given up, or that I'll back out all the way, but just not push as hard. I want to deal with my emotional fatigue and allow him to do the same.

I Will Wait

"This shit be hard"
Lucien P. Smith, character in The Boys Next Door

This line from the Tom Griffin play The Boys Next Door became the running theme for several of my acting classes when I was in college.It is now the running theme of my current love life, or, more succinctly, it serves to describe how I feel as I am learning to be a better person in my current relationship.

If you have been reading my blog, then you'll know that I have been dating for several years. I was in a long term relationship a few years back (the one I talk about having to extricate myself from.) I now refer to that as an anomaly, a failed experiment on my part that came about from my trying to keep my family and friends happy by finding someone outside of the dating sites.

I can honestly say that I am in a relationship now. This is the first one in a long time where I feel we are both willing to work, to listen to each other, to change what needs to be changed in ourselves in order to bring out the best person who is inside us. And because of the amount of work I can see the new person in my life doing, I have to honestly say that this is the first person I have ever been with who has the courage to really work on himself, inside and out.

Now I am trying to do the same, and realize my trust issues are one of the areas I need to work on the most. In spite of the fact that he has said he is not going anywhere, I still worry. The tapes playing in my head tell me this isn't true, this isn't happening, I shouldn't trust. Turning off those tapes and learning to trust is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to learn to do. Harder than learning how to act. Harder than making the decision to finally date again.

Trusting right now means waiting and not getting answers right away. It means letting go and letting things happen naturally, instead of trying to control. It means understanding that there is work to be done, and work takes time.

So I will wait. Damn, this shit be hard.

Love Like a Dog...Or A Baby

I started to realize recently that the secret to being happy with others and seeing them with your heart, unconditionally, is to love them like a dog or a baby would. Dogs and children don't see people in a superficial way; they see the true heart of someone.

I'll explain how I came to this realization. My "man" is big. He's what society would deem a plus size. Oh, yes, in their superficial, judgmental way of seeing things they have all sorts of labels to paste all over him. I see him as a wonderful, loving, funny, intelligent, sweet, kind, generous, sexy man who I miss every second I am away from him.

I see him this way, because I stopped looking at people in a superficial way, and started seeing them in the way that a dog or baby might. They understand love; they understand someone who treats them with respect and cares for them.

They also know to avoid the person who is false, fake, mean-spirited, who raises their voice (or hand) in anger, who kicks them or slaps them. This person could be any size, or have any type of appearance. This person could be what society deems as attractive, but they are a living example that "beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone."

I am happy that I have gone through all I have in relationships to come to this place, to discover someone who is wonderful, just because he is. I guess I am smarter now, because I am thinking like a baby...or a dog.

And Then The Choice Was Made

So, the choice was made (G1 or G2, remember?) And I am very happy, not only that it has been made, but with the choice. Waiting another day was tough, but knowing that my GC (gentleman caller) wanted to see me so much that he would risk driving through a snowstorm just made the entire experience that much better.

And now, G2 and I must wait for our next chance to work around our hectic schedules so that we can see each other. But now we both know, it will be worth the wait.