Complications Commence;HIGH-larity Ensues

Right now, I should be sipping a cup of coffee (or, possibly, chai) and enjoying the conversation and attention of someone of the opposite sex, with whom I have been sharing flirty banter online for the past week and a half.  Yes, this is a different person than the one I have been talking about. Let's call the other one GC1 (for "Gentleman Caller 1 - a polite term stolen from Tennessee Williams). That's makes the one I was to be with tonight GC2.

Here's the lowdown; several weeks back, I started chatting with GC1. We had a free and easy way of talking, and I liked his lengthy posts in response to my own. We talked about our jobs, life, music, and cooking (something we both had in common.) It seemed that we would definitely meet each other in short order. However, as it always does, life intervened. He was supposed to help a friend out with an issue. That was a couple weeks ago. He, suddenly, however, stopped communicating.I gave him a few days, but then wrote to see what was going on. He said he had a family emergency and would let me know. My response - uh oh. I waited for the other shoe to fall; to hear that he was in a terrible place, and would I please send money?

But that didn't happen. It actually did  turn out that someone close to him had died. So, after this point, he sort of dropped off the radar screen for about a week.

Which was when G2 showed up. You see, I had no idea what was going to happen with G1, so, well, I decided conversation with G2 would be okay, right? And we hit it off right away. We had a great deal in common, and had an ease in our conversation.

And then - yup - G1 showed back up. And we talked again, and decided we would meet the first weekend in February. But I still felt a connection to G2, so I pushed for a "rendezvous' that would be earlier than my one with G2,because I needed to know if we both felt the same way, and if he was the one I should be with.

Sounds easy enough, right? And if I were sipping that coffee right now with G2, I think all my questions would be answered. However, G2 was not able to make it tonight; he had an accident that is keeping him home. And, now, they are forecasting a snowstorm for tomorrow (when we said we would get together). It can't be easy, can it?

So, what are all these signs from the universe telling me? Which do I choose? Or will the choice be made?

I keep thinking of what a friend of mine said when his life was suddenly upended; "things are up in the air and I am not happy." Exactly how I feel right now.

Did You Ever Have To Make Up My Mind

First things first - update! My friend's son has been released and is now back home. Yay! So happy for him, for his family, for my friend!

Now, about that title. Haven't I been here before? I am getting the feeling that these decisions are getting harder. I mean it's like it used to be "which would you rather be with? A mass murderer or a guy that built an orphanage by hand in the time that he had free when he wasn't saving homeless dogs in Russia?"

But now it is like deciding between that last guy, and someone similar, only one has dogs and the other cooks. So, in other words, they are both great, but since we don't live in Noel Coward's "Design for Living" world, I need to make a choice.

There is a big part of me that just wants to wait until the choice is made for me. And that might happen, right? Yeah, I didn't think so, either.

So, I am going to get to know both of them. And then, after that point, I will make my decision. Not before then (like I have been doing.) Ah, this is so hard.  But if I want to grow up and act like an adult, I need to do this.

Yeah, okay. I'll keep you posted.

Life Changes

I had just gotten back from shopping, had put away the food and was enjoying the wild salmon sushi I had been looking forward to since I got the email that it was now available at my local grocery store. I had a nice (okay, a decent) glass of wine to go with it, and I sat and enjoyed every bite.

I was also looking forward to the phone call that was planned for the evening with a new gentleman "caller", so to speak. We had been talking through messages, had a nice, long call last night and were planning on talking again tonight.

As I started to enjoy my incredible sushi, I texted back a response to my best friend. She had asked if I had wanted to come over for dinner tonight, and I told her I had plans. However, I wanted to see if she was still interested in going to a play with me on Saturday night (I had left her a message on Facebook.) Her response was "Sure." So I was set.

Then came the bombshell - the news that you don't believe can happen; not to people you know. She said she just heard that her "adopted"son (which is what she called her exchange student son, the son of an exchange student friend of ours from school) had been kidnapped. I didn't think it could be real. This must be a hoax, right?

Then she said his father (our friend from school) was hysterical. They lived in Mexico. The father was what is considered in that country to be wealthy (not nearly like the 1% of this country who attract so much attention and derision, but still with money in a country of the poor.) And where money is scarce, people are desperate.

I felt helpless. My friend said her stomach was in knots. I didn't know what to do. I could only pray. That is all I can do. Today, tomorrow, the next day - until they know. Until there is an answer. Nothing else.

Sometimes life seems to go so well. And then, life changes.

When You Can't Decide

Things are up in the air for me. I am waiting for someone to make a decision. This used to put me in a panic, but not anymore.

Oh, yes, it is annoying.I'll admit the waiting can be annoying. But it is no longer as disconcerting for me as it used to be. Because I now know if someone can't decide, a decision is made for them. And it might not be the choice that person wants, but it happens.

I had to learn this myself. It bothered me sometimes and angered me at others. And then I finally saw the pattern. When a decision was made which, perhaps, meant that I would not be with that relationship, or job, or whatever, I ended up in a better situation.

So, I will wait patiently and allow things to go the way they are meant to go. And I will continue on, knowing a decision will be made.

When You Can't Stop Talkilng

Things happen out of the blue. I think that is what I have been talking about here. Never plan for anything; the beauty in life is in the unplanned (which is why I subscribe to the John Lennon quote "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.")

I thought it would be a quiet weekend. I would catch up on cleaning and maybe binge watch some shows. I would try to forget what I wanted to happen and just let go.

But I reconnected with someone who had just gone through a loss, something that I thought would affect him for quite some time. I was willing to be patient and to wait, because life and experience has taught me that these men don't come into our lives every day. And maybe I should learn to be patient.

I sent a message to him. He responded back, politely as ever. I decided to take a chance, and respond. What was the worst that could happen?

Well, we sent messages back and forth all day. It was exciting; exhilarating - more than we had done to date. It gave me courage to continue and to hope as I hadn't before.

And to have patience to wait.

And More Snow

We have been going through one of those ongoing snow situations for about the past week here. It continues to pile up. Friday I had completely cleared off my car, then went out Saturday afternoon to discover that it was covered again (in fact, I couldn't even see my car this time.) Fortunately, I was helped by two girls from the apartment upstairs, and the car was cleaned off and the snow cleared away quickly.

I haven't gone out today to check, but I can only assume it is once again covered.The snow was coming down last night as I came home from an event being put on by friends of mine.It was a fine, white powder of a snowfall; nothing heavy, but enough to cover. It seemed to fit my mood for the evening; not bad, but just a continuous slow whiteout.

I have to learn to not allow outside events affect me. I know I am still plodding through life after losing my dog, and some days are better than others. This is not one of those days. I am working at trying to do better at work, trying to improve, but,mainly, I just want to keep my head above water right now. I would be happy just to complete the two classes I have, then focus my attention on improving for the other two that recently started.

It's progress over perfection, right? I think that's a saying. I just need to keep going in the right direction. I don't need to do it perfectly.

One Less...

Okay, I know I just got through saying that I wouldn't make a choice, but let the choice be made for me. However, I think the choice was made; I just needed to sign off on it.

The first guy I was talking to was okay, but, just not...well, let's put it this way. I think the Higher Power, the Universe, what have you was saying

"Listen. Here's this one guy. He doesn't refer to you by name, not even 'hey you." He is mostly interested in cuddles and coffee. And that's about it. He shows up with posts when it is convenient for him, and most of the conversation is basic. A little flirting; very little personal information. That's all.

Now, here is this second guy. From the 2nd email, he was calling you by name. After that, he interspersed that with cute little names that he would make up by drawing from something you had mentioned. The conversation is intelligent and intriguing, and keeps you wanting more. And, oh yeah, unlike the other guy,  he has posted photos and while he might have noted concerns about his weight, you find him very attractive.

So, who are you going to continue to talk to? And if you make the wrong choice, I will hit you so hard with karma, you won't want to date anyone for a year."

When the first guy got back from his business trip, and asked "RU still chatting with me or what?", I politely informed him that I was talking with someone else and I wasn't really interested in speaking with him anymore (well, it was more politely put than that.) His response was a "Whatever. Good luck." And that was it. I am fairly certain he is telling someone, or at least thinking "That fat, older chick dumped me?!?"

Yes, yes I did. Now, I don't know what will happen with the person I am continuing to talk to. I hope it works. However, what I know is that I have enjoyed what we have had so far, and if that is all that I get, then that's enough. It informs me what I want and what I deserve.

And I think I finally know how to make emotionally healthy choices. Yay for me!

The Choice...Again

I am, once again, talking with two very different men. Both intrigue me and both seem, well, normal. But I hate being in this position of having to choose. And maybe that is my issue.

Every time I get to this point, I decide to choose one person who seems more suitable for this reason or another, and tell the other person goodbye. Then the person I choose disappears, or doesn't work out. And I kick myself for making that choice.

I think the lesson isn't that I am making the wrong choice. The lesson is that I am making the choice. Perhaps what I should be doing is continuing on and let the choice be made for me. If I believe the right choice will be made, then I should let go of the need to control this process.

I will just have to see how this plays out in its own time.

January and Cold

It is in the teens outside today. Fitting for the first week in January. I am plodding along, trying to focus on work, working towards getting my mind off the fact that a short week ago I was wondering if I would be putting my dog to sleep soon, then dealing with the aftermath of having to do just that.

One advantage of all this is that I no longer have to deal with the early morning and late evening walks, bundling up and bracing for the cold, then shivering as my dog took his time sniffing around each snow drift. I would pull him forward, trying to get him to do his business so we could get back into the warm apartment.

Towards the end (the last few months), I allowed him more time to sniff (I would call them his "sniffy" walks.) It was one of the few pleasures he had, as his appetite was waning and he had such a difficult time walking. In the last week or so, he wouldn't walk as far, but would stop, raise his head and sniff, as if he was drawing in those smells from where he stood. I watched him, and in the last days, I wondered if he knew he didn't have much more time, and this was his way of taking in everything, just one more time before he left this earth.

I wish we could all be like that. I wish that I could stop grousing about the cold weather, and, instead, appreciate the rays of sun penetrating through the thin clouds coating the frigid blue sky. Who knows how many more days I have, how many more days any of us have? Perhaps we should, like Shep, learn to appreciate what is here, now, and take a moment to sniff the air.

It Has That New Year Smell

Last night I was talking to my son on the phone. Both of us ended up spending uneventful New Years Eves due to the fact that we were both single and both dealing with snow storms (as well as both still getting over the recent death of our beloved dog.) It is ironic, but the death of our dog has brought my son and I closer together as we are concerned about each other and check in with each other more often.

Anyway, we both resolved to move on with our lives. The year might have ended on a not so great note, but we are looking ahead to possibly better times. One thing I have resolved to do (and, I believe, he has to) is get out more and, hopefully date. I have made every excuse to not attend singles events in the past couple of months (okay, well in December I did have the flu that kept me from the last big event.) But I have also been making excuses to avoid going out with others.

My biggest excuse was my dog. I felt I needed to be here for him, to make sure he was okay. I don't have that excuse anymore. In fact, I think that if my dog were here and could talk, he'd say "you've been taking care of me long enough. Now it is time to take care of you."

So, here I go, venturing into 2015. I am several events to attend this month already, and am getting back into my exercise routine. This is the year I start off alone and take care of myself, and see where things lead.