Disappearing

I bought a bike today - just went to the local Goodwill and got a bike for a lot less than I would have expected to pay for a used one. I tried to ride it home, but still have to figure out all the gears - thank goodness for the internet! I was able to learn what all the gears meant and how to use them, and hope to start on the bike tomorrow, trying it out in the school parking lot while it is empty.

I have been walking a great deal more and plan to use the bike as a main form of transportation while I wait for my car situation to turn around. It's not too bad - I've noticed I am losing even more weight this way, which is something I have been wanting to do. I am shedding those pounds, that "fat suit" that has kept me hidden for those who used to stare, those who used to stalk, those whose undue attention made me want to disappear and may have been, in part, to blame for my last marriage (which I may have rushed into because I felt, for the first time in a long time, safe).

I have gotten a lot stronger since then, and feel like I can deal with those men once again. I have also learned that I don't need those extra pounds to disappear. I can do it at will now, and though it might not be healthy, there is some comfort in allowing myself not to feel, not to hurt. It is a safety mechanism, I know, and it is only temporary. One day, perhaps, I can learn to shed that as well.