I'm a Stupid Idiot

Before I write this, I should make sure to note the key words stupid, idiot, and me. Why am I such a stupid idiot?

I had a panic attack last night. For some stupid reason, I thought that the guy I was seeing was no longer interested in me. I was going by past experiences, times when I wasn't able to talk openly about how I really felt, so I made an assumption (a stupid assumption - see why I want it to be a key word?) based on these past experiences, that he changed his mind, that he suddenly lost interest.

It was my own insecurities speaking to me. I have to say that I had a lot going on in my life, and when I explained my situation, he completely understood. I was under pressure, because, right now, I don't know if I will have a job in the next week or month or so. I can't say any more than that because I am not being told any more than that, and that, in itself, is causing my panic.

But he understands. And accepts that I could get a little panicked. And I appreciate that. He goes a bit off the deep end at times (well, he rants) and I accept and understand that. I think he is showing that he is willing to accept my occasional panic attacks, and the fact that I can be a stupid idiot. Just wish I could rewrite my history so that I could trust this wonderful man a bit more.

No Longer Afraid

I spent so much time in relationships tying myself up into knots, trying to make myself what I thought the other person wanted me to be.I would bite my tongue, rather than saying what I really wanted to say, in case it might cause them consternation which would make them want to leave.

And now? Now I am free of that concern. I don't know when it happened, but I realized that I started pushing the boundaries. I realized that if I pushed the boundaries to the point of what I was actually considering, and if he was not considering the same thing, then I was better off. Why would I want to be with someone who didn't want what I wanted, who wasn't thinking the same way as I did?

And you know what? The more I pushed, the more I got responses that were in line with how I felt. Hmmm...this is different, I thought! Maybe we actually think the same way? But how can that be happening- it has never happened before?

So,maybe I am where I supposed to be, with someone who thinks like me. Only time will tell.

One Year Later

I needed to go back to see where I was a year ago. And I can see from my posts, that I was uncertain about where I was going, how I was feeling, what was going on.

Well, I am still not 100% certain about what is going on, but I can say that I feel more comfortable about where I am and willing to accept what is happening. I don't know where the relationship I am in is going to go, but I just know that I have enjoyed what I have experienced so far, and if that is the full extent of the relationship, and if I died tomorrow, I can honestly say that I will have died happy.

No, I don't hope to die. But I feel that where I am is where I have wanted to be for so many years. I have dated and dated (as I was just telling a friend the other day) and I can say the person I am currently talking to(and occasionally meeting with, at least once a week) is all that I am looking for. He continues to make me happy with his emails and his phone calls when we can't be together. He makes me feel like a highlight in his life, and that is all that I can ask for.

Another Year, Another Dog, Another Man

I had to go back to last year to see where I was at last year at this time and what was going on. Last year, I was getting over the death of my dog, Shep, who has been my constant companion for 13 years. I was on my own, no man in my life.

Shift to 2016; I have a new dog who has more energy at times than I can deal with, but it is all good  (a phrase that one of my new neighbors uses, possibly too often). And I have someone in my life- yes, it is just starting, but we are in a good place right now, several months in  and hanging in there!

Oh, and I didn't mention that I have lost 15 pounds, in just 4 or 5 weeks. I am on a new plan and looking forward to seeing what I lose in the upcoming year! Yeah - bring it!