Pivotal Plot Point

I learned about the pivotal plot point in a college screenwriting course. It is the place where the plot takes a sudden turn, pivoting the story in a different direction. If done well, it is unexpected and takes the viewer by surprise.

I am at a pivotal plot point in my life. It did not come as a surprise, but it is still spinning me into an unknown direction. Perhaps the surprise will come later.

I am here because my son has moved on with his life, moving out to an apartment; his first real apartment that he is completely responsible for. He has lived here for the past three years, after he left college the first time (after his third year when he quit to discover what he really wanted to do.) As I said, this was not a surprise because he has been planning this for three years. It was just a matter of when everything would come together.

And now it has, and I am so proud of him, and, I admit, I miss him. But I am not lost. This is not me wondering what to do with my life. I've always been busy, so there has never been this void. What I am wondering is what life will do with me.

I've got ideas, and I may try a few new things (hiking in local parks, getting active in different causes). I think it is what women my age generally do when they hit this point, and I can understand that. It just seems the right time. I'm ready to be surprised.

I Pick Myself Up and Get Back in the Race

It is ironic and strange that Robin Williams just killed himself, as it came a few short days after I talked someone close to me out of doing the same thing. Depression runs in the family; I am very familiar with it myself, and I know I've gone through days and weeks where the idea of ending it all kept visiting me, taunting me.

I haven't admitted this to too many people, but I have attempted suicide twice when I was younger. Actually, it may have been three times; once by accident, and if my friends hadn't been there, it could have been the one that actually succeeded. But I have spent the latter part of my life trying to learn more about depression, and find best ways to work through the "blue periods". And I am here, and I survived, I believe, for a reason, and that reason is to help others.

Which brings me back to what I was saying. People who are considering suicide commonly feel that this would be better for everyone. I had to explain to the person I mentioned earlier that no, it wouldn't. It might be better for you, because you would be gone. However, suicide is like the big FU to everyone you've ever known and loved, because they would be the ones dealing with the guilt, wondering what they could have done to prevent it. And then I asked him to seriously consider how the people he would leave behind would feel. Do you really think they would think this was best? Seriously?

No, there would be much more pain and hurt that they would carry around for years. I mentioned people who were close to him, and also asked how he would feel if he came home some time and found me dead. Would he think he was better off? I could tell from the look in his eyes that the reality of this one hit hard.

Life is tough, I tell him, and he would say "Yes, that's why I want to end it all. I can't put up with this anymore." And I listen and say I understand. And then explain that he has to go through this to get to the next level of life. Life is like one of his games, I explain. You make it through one level, and the next may be tougher, but when you've gone through it, you have the skills to get to the next level, and so on.

And one more thing. I tell him he is here for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, but someday, he will know, and he will be glad he stuck around to find out.

Where I Now Live and How It Affects Me

I now live on a lake - this lake, specifically. This is what I get to see when I walk out of my apartment and about 100 feet from the end of the drive at sunset. It is like a camp here, or a resort.

When I feel down or depressed, I walk to this lake and get energized. In fact, the day after we moved here, my son was having a hard time dealing with the move. I got him to leave his room and follow me to this place, where we took pictures. His mood changed in minutes after seeing this sunset.

Today, I walked nearly 2 miles around the lake, into the neighborhood on the end and back. On the way back, I heard children in the backyard of one of the houses, laughing and playing in a pool. This was a surprise to me. I live in one of the apartments, where the residents are generally either young couples, or older, retired people. The houses around here belong, for the most part, to older, retired couples. They may have had children here at one time, but you can tell from the general silence surrounding the properties, that those days are long gone.

The children I heard may have been visiting grandparents. In any case, the sound was very pleasant; it made me smile. This is not the old resort that I felt it to be. This place is alive. This place has already started to change me and I think (I hope!) it can do the same for my son,

Reviisting Christopher Cross

"And if the wind is right you can sail away, and find serenity"

I was supposed to go sailing tonight, but serenity was not in the cards for me. Instead, I dealt with someone with a full melt down, panic attack in high gear, that kept me home, making sure nothing dangerous happened.

Does anyone else understand this? Searching for serenity, but only finding this level of unhappiness on a daily basis? I may not have only given up my evening of bliss, but I have concerns about my job as well, and I wonder if my personal life is affecting this. You see, I'm older, and I'm dealing with a lot of "stuff" right now, so, in spite of the fact that students give me high ratings and I get great, positive comments from them in the classroom, I am, on an ongoing basis, made to feel I am not capable of doing my job, My evaluations make me feel as if I am not doing enough, even though I am constantly striving to improve.

Serenity? Maybe not for me. At least, not now.

What Its Like to be a Mother and a Father to Your Child

My son was out here a few minutes ago, complaining that his computer wasn't working and that mine (the one I gave up to him so he could have at least something to use) wasn't good enough for him to play his games. His father got him the computer several years ago. It was probably the last thing his father bought for him; the last dollar he spent on him.

My son has been living with me for the past four years since he dropped out of college, and I have had to deal with these issues on my own because his father doesn't really want much to do with him since he (my son) didn't follow his father's plan and make it through 4 years of school. So I have been mother and father and have been doing my best to help him get out of his funk and get back into school.

It is not a very different role for me, actually. I've been playing mother and father since my son was 6 and I left his father. His father never really forgave me for doing that, and he tried to punish me by managing to negotiate a lower child support amount and by spending less time with his son than most fathers in a divorce situation would spend. He was trying to punish me, but he ended up alienating his son.

I spent a good portion of my son's early years trying to teach him baseball (which did not go well, considering that I really do throw like a girl). I took him to the beach. I took him to cub scouts. I planned and held all his birthday parties. And then, for Christmas, I would give him up to stay at his father's, because that was the house my son was born in, and spent his early years, and so, that was where he believed Santa would be.

Oh, his father was there for the photo opportunity days. His first day of school. His first communion. Anything like that. But I was there when my son threw his tantrums, and blamed me for ruining his life.

And I feel there is a bit of anger still there. He can't ask his father for help with this problem, because his father won't help. And I can only help so much, even though I've emptied my pockets many times over, gotten in over my head in debt, just to help him out.

The hardest thing right now is letting him try to figure it out. I can't fix everything all the time. I wish he had a father who could help him, but even he realizes that could never be, even if I had stayed in the marriage. I am finally realizing he is an adult. And I've got to let go.

Write, No Matter What

(Note: This was supposed to publish on August 5, but Google, being as cranky as it often is, kept it as a draft. So I'm publishing two posts today.)

In my online course, one of the topics of discussion this past week was journal writing. I talked to my students about writing and the importance of putting your thoughts on paper. And some said, yes, they did do this (or had done journal writing at some point in their lives.) But most had said they didn't. Or that they wanted to but didn't have the time.

And I didn't have the heart to admit that I belonged in that latter group. I wanted to write. I had a great deal on my mind, actually, but I just never allowed myself to write, because I kept saying I didn't have the time..

But no more. I am going to write, no matter how it comes out, no matter how much time I have (or say that I have.) My big concern is that it won't be perfect. And, yes, it won't. But if I am trying to tell my students to write, even if what they write isn't perfect, how will it look if I cop the same excuse?

So, here goes. I'm going to start this sucker up again. Who knows where I'll end up!

Discoveries

I mentioned that I've been talking to my students about writing their thoughts in a journal. One other thing we discussed is finding a specific topic to write about. When you have so many to chose from, where do you start?

I have and have had so many thoughts about what I want to write about lately, and I think the only point I can make today is that I have these thoughts. So I'll start this as a prelude of sorts. This will be the beginning of what I call my "discoveries." For example, I am learning everyone has problems (including money problems) at times; no marriage is immune from divorce; and, doing the inside work on yourself actually works!

So many discoveries - where do I start?