Resolute

I don't usually make formal resolutions at the end of the year. I always believed that you were going to break them within a week or a month, so why bother making them in the first place? Now, I think I understand. Giving myself a list of things to work towards will help me focus on my goal of being a better me. To that end, I hope to do the following in the upcoming year:

1. Eat less junk. I don't plan to diet. I think that's one of the easiest resolutions to break. What I'd like to do is eat better - healthier, good food. I've done it and can do it. I want to get off the fast food train and back to where I was heading this spring with lower fat food choices.
2. Walk more. Well, exercise more, but I want to get out and walk more. I bought nice walking shoes, and I have a good neighborhood for walking. I just want to get myself out there  (and maybe even get out on one of the hikes promoted by the hiking club I've been meaning to join!)
3. Read more. In the past year, I have read two books for pleasure. I did read countless articles for work, education, and just interest, but I want to read more books, just for the enjoyment of reading.
4. Write more. This comes from the last one. The more I read, the more I want to write. And the more I write, the better I get at writing, which also makes me want to write more. And read more.
5. Watch more movies. Okay, this seems to run counter to the whole reading and writing thing, but I watched a movie last night, and realized it was one of three that I had seen in the past year that actually came out this past year. I do watch movies; I just tend to watch the same ones over and over. I want to get out and watch new movies (or even stay in and purchase them online; I don't care as long as I stop saying "Oh, I've wanted to see that movie" and start saying "Let's watch this tonight!"
6. Organize more. This is it - I am getting the good paper shredder with the warranty (for when it wears out) and going through all those bills I've been compiling and I'm going to shred away, then throw them all out. THEN, I'm going to organize my office area so I can actually use it (okay, I need to get a new computer, too, which will help - that's another resolution!.) These will be my tax rebate gifts to myself.
7. Practice yoga and meditate. Part of (well, possibly a great deal of) my issues with eating, sleeping and drinking come from having a mind that is constantly jumping from one concern to the next. I know I am a stress eater (and drinker). I need to shut that off, and the best way is through meditation.
8. Wake up earlier. This will allow me more time to walk, to meditate, to prepare to get to work on time (not 5 or 10 or 15 minutes late.) I will not waste the time on social media (that should be another, separate resolution!)
9. Listen unconditionally. I've been doing this with my son lately. Not only do I take the time to put down the technology (iPad, phone, etc.) so that I can be fully present, but I just listen without judging. And, amazingly, because I've been doing this, I've had more real conversations with him (not just the "How's work?" "Fine" ones.)
10. Enjoy life. I had a great weekend visit this year with friends; I want to have more of those. I want to get out, even when the weather is bad, to walk, skate, dance, spend time with friends, spend time enjoying my own company, spend time just enjoying. I may even turn down a class (to teach) just so I can enjoy!

So this is what I am going to try and work towards in the upcoming year. In spite of my concern about resolutions, I like knowing I have this list. I need make sure I don't try to do this perfectly. Not doing something (or not continuing it) does not make me a failure. If I stop doing something on the list, I can always look back at this list, realize what I wanted to accomplish, and start it again.

Wish I had a River...

I've been through worse Christmases. I know I've described some of them here: ones where I stayed in bed all day because I didn't want to deal with the fact that my son was at his father's, ones where I was tired of being away from my family, ones that I tried to remind myself that it's just another day.

This past Christmas wasn't all that bad. I enjoyed my son's company and conversation, and made a great dinner. I received some very nice gifts, and Mother Nature gave us some Christmas snow (just enough to make it pretty, and not too hazardous to drive.)

But I still spent most of the day fighting this feeling of heaviness, of a deep sadness. I think many of us had been saddened by the events that happened in December; the unnecessary deaths of so many children, teachers, then firefighters.

The firefighters were killed only several short miles from where I live. The morning it happened, before I had even heard about it, I was at Wegmans, getting everything for my Christmas Eve and Christmas day dinners. Everyone there was in the holiday spirit. One woman (not from the store) handed out candy canes. The cashiers happily invited us into their lanes.People helped other people find their cars. No one seemed aware that several miles away, a madman had decided to ambush and kill a few decent men who were trying to do what they do best - help other people. I didn't find out about it until after I got home and saw the story on the news.

This came right after the Newtown shootings, which came right after the Oregon mall shooting. It all got to me. The immense sadness carried by all the family and friends of the victims. And, worse, Christmas day, the news reports on our local television spoke of the letter on the Webster gunman that said he was looking forward to killing people, making the sadness hit even harder.

It's been a few days. Maybe since we've had a break from the killings, it seems a little easier to bear the pain. I don't want to lose faith in humanity. I've had more positive experiences with people than negative. Just sometimes, I wish I could...just run away.

Fuel, My Concern

The church that I attend has a giving tree. What this means is that, during the advent season, the tree is covered with little notes with gift requests from people who cannot afford gifts (for themselves or their children).

I generally take a note from the tree for requests for toys or clothes for children. This year was different, though. I approached the tree during a choir rehearsal break, and started to pick out one of the notes, expecting to find a request for winter hats or clothes. I was stopped in my tracks, though, when I realized that many of the notes were requests for help with fuel payments.

The tree was nearly covered with envelopes with the word "Fuel" on them. Covered. Before I knew it, I started to cry. I took an envelope and left the room, not wanting anyone to see my reaction.

It was such an immediate reaction, I didn't know where it came from at first. Then, I remembered how I was a few years ago (as I described in my last email.) It was only a few short years ago that I needed help paying my fuel bill.

Now I was in a position to help someone else out. I don't know who I helped, but I'm glad I could do it. I hope they can do the same for someone else one day as well.

Eat, Pray....Yeah, Whatever

Just watching the beginning of Eat, Pray, Love where Julia Roberts is crying and praying to God, because she is unhappy in her marriage, and thinking - yeah, I remember doing that.

I remember doing that, only it was different. I wasn't in a beautiful house, with a beautiful husband, and unhappy because I just wasn't sure if this was all that I wanted. I was in a house that I owned, that I was having problems paying mortgage because my husband left me, I was working three part time jobs, and, as I remember, I was sitting in my family room, in my broken blue chair, no one else but me and the dog, crying because the mortgage company told me that no, I could not make my payment late, that if I did that they would foreclose on my house immediately. I wanted to talk to the reasonable person from the bank, but, instead, I got Javert.

I was sitting next to the wood stove, the only source of heat in the house, because the oil ran out and I couldn't afford any other form of heat except for the firewood that I would fill up my trunk with, carry through the snow-filled driveway to my house and dutifully light every night when I got home from work.

And now I am here, and I am paying the bills, taking care of everything. Praying. Praying every day. And it gets a little better, but there are still those chunks of unhappiness that I am still working through.

Spare the Snark...Please

As I always do when I am trying to figure out a problem, I have been researching and reading. In this case, I have been reading articles and posts on mental illness, in an effort to get a handle on what happened this past Friday in Newtown.

I guess I want to know how someone thinks, or what it is about the way someone thinks that drives them to madness and causes them to do unspeakable things. The shooting was just one recent event that has stayed with me, that my mind won't let go. When the nanny in NYC stabbed the children in her care to death, I didn't sleep, even though I didn't know the family or the nanny. A story about a mother who killed her children recently affected me the same way. And so many others.

I had come to the conclusion that these people were probably on some sort of drug that didn't work, that made things worse (I will admit I am not a fan of treating mental illness with drugs because I don't trust them, but understand why they might be used.)

But something I read today made me consider something more. I read the post I Am Adam Lanza's Psychiatrist.The post was interesting enough, and spoke volumes about the current state of mental health in this country, and why so much needs to be done on the federal, state, and even personal level. But what stayed with me the most was a comment at the bottom about how we, as a society, are getting nastier in how we deal with each other, and how hard that may be for some people to cope with.

Unfortunately, it's true. People exhibit rage issues when driving. Groups carry signs and scream horribly thoughtless comments at other human beings. Children taunt and bully bus monitors. Internet "trolls" make unspeakably cruel comments online.

I know it seems trite, but I really wish we could seriously consider the words of the late Rodney King after the LA riots: "Can't we just please get along?"

Just trying to be kind may not end all the killings. But it would make life so much easier for all, particularly for those whose fragile states of mind make them feel they can no longer stay in this world.

Really, spark the snark, people. Let's just try to get along.

Sleep

I'm hoping I sleep tonight. Sleep would be nice. I feel as if I have been awake forever, thinking, digging, carrying the weight of everything inside me, but getting nowhere. Nowhere.

Except exhausted, no brain cells, no feeling. Only mere existence.

Maybe I'm finally letting it all go. Yes, I hope I am.

Sleep would be nice.

I Remembered His Boots

Sometimes I find myself going back in time to my earlier days; days in school, days in college. I remember having one of those foolish crushes on a man from college. I don't know exactly why - there were other men I had been with who were more attractive, more interesting.

But he had a way about him that I just loved - he was very easy-going, even-tempered and intelligent. Funny, the one thing I remember about him most was his boots. We went to college in Ohio - not exactly western territory, but he thought his boots were cool, that he was cool.

Okay, he was cool. His blue eyes were warm, his smile was inviting. But his boots - not so much.

Not So Boring Saturday Nights

So I'm here, finishing up my homework for the night. Another class in its final week - a few more posts, a short good-bye and hello to the next group of students.

And now I'm drinking screwdrivers, wishing I had grenadine, because I have the tequila and would like to make those magically-colored tequila sunrises that were such a pivotal part of my late teen years (when I was too young to really be drinking but looked old enough to make it into bars when the drinking age in my state was 18.)

Even without the tequila and grenadine, the taste of the orange juice mingled with the inner heat of the alcohol brings me back to drinking at clubs miles away from my home; places where no one knew me, where I could get wild and be myself.

Here I am some years later, wishing I could get back there. Is that possible?

Money in the Bank

I remember the first summer here was rough financially. When I say that I got here on my last dime, I wasn't exaggerating. Every cent I had that first month went into paying for the moving truck, the guys who helped me move, the apartment.

And then there was the whole mess with the car. I had to sell my Nissan before I moved here, because I knew it wouldn't make the trip. I rented a car for the month, figuring I would make enough in my first month to cover the payment as well as pay for a used car that would get me through until I could afford a decent one, and didn't count on the fact that my first paycheck would not come until several weeks after I arrived. I ended up not having a car for nearly three months, and was very grateful for a co-worker who picked me up and drove me in until I finally got my "wheels."

Thinking back, I don't know how I made it or would have made it without the kindness of others. I got a Walmart card as a housewarming gift from my sister. It was wonderful - I used it to by groceries and then to help me buy a vacuum that was on sale (and that I desperately needed - my dog was shedding, and we were practically buried in dog hair!) I know I borrowed a bit of money from her, too, which I promptly paid back. I may have borrowed from my son - I don't remember.

I'm thinking about this as the checking account is dipping down again, but at least I know it will be back up in a few days. Remembering that I made it when my account was almost to $0 helps me make it through this time, when the dip in funds won't be nearly as bad.

What Was That?

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Five Card Story: What Was That?

a Five Card Flickr story created by peche1

flickr photo by Serenae

flickr photo by Serenae

flickr photo by Intrepid Flame

flickr photo by bionicteaching

flickr photo by bionicteaching

It percolated up from the ground, a mass of purple goo, all fetid and bubbling. What was it? No one knew. It consumed us all, starting at the fingertips, digesting us slowly, until we were gone, all gone. Years went by, centuries in fact. Then life returned, small, simple plants and animals, sliding out from the ooze of the earth, then transforming into a myriad of other creatures: swimming, walking, flying. And then we returned, not as we were before. Transformed and aware. Alive.

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Local Wildlife

These are two deer that we saw as we turned the corner towards my boyfriend's house. They may have been the same two which were playfully cavorting near the fence to his property about a week ago. They seem pretty relaxed; only getting skittish when you get within 10 feet of them.

I feel as if I am surrounded by wildlife. I've seen more than I ever remember seeing anyplace else I've lived. For example, I've seen:

• A great blue heron, that sits silently on a small island in a nearby pond;
• A wild turkey, trotting calmly down the dirt road near the reservoir;
• A beaver which almost got itself killed walking across the main road near the bay;
• A very large bird which I believe was a turkey buzzard, nearly blotting out the sun above with its great wingspan;
• A curmudgeonly raccoon that looks at us with disdain and waves his paw when we yell for it to get out of the garden;
• A family of woodchucks grazing on the lawn down the street;
• A mallard which appears near the birdfeeder behind my apartment every spring and patiently waits; in the morning for his female partner to come out of our pool;
• Several bunnies who reside near my apartment (one in the bushes directly outside; it's primary purpose seems to be perplexing my dog).

And there are more - the squirrels and chipmunks that zip across the apartment sidewalks, the hundreds of Canada geese I see daily (in the bay, in the fields - you name it), the toads on the doorstep, the hawks overhead, always circling...

I'm always happier when I see them alive (and not left on the side the road, hapless victims of a brush with modern technology.) And I'm glad they allow me to share their space with them.

Olympic Separation

Four years ago this month my last husband left me without warning, just a note on my pillow when I returned from work. I have several memories of that time:

• My co-workers took me out for beer and appetizers (which they paid for - I couldn't even afford to pay). I found out that week that my supervisor had also had a wife who walked out on him.
• I was sort of in shock, but my son was sort of "oh well, what did you expect?"
• My son also helped me get through this by taking me to several movies. I remember we went to see "Kung Fu Panda' and "Wall-E"
• About four weeks later, the Olympics began. I watched them, remembering that the for the last Olympics, we watched it together and shared the experience.

Four years ago seems like a century to me, in terms of where I was then, and where I am now.

Nothing Wrong with a Little Fun

I had expected to be spending the night completely immersed in work as well as assisting my son apply for college. I had planned the night out so that I would have enough time to get everything done, and get myself to bed at a decent hour.

I didn't realize what I thought I would be doing would take a lot less time than I had expected.

So, what I ended up doing was having a couple of glasses of wine with my dinner. Then I started playing with the computer photo program that I had just installed that day. And started snapping away with the iPad camera..

And this is what happens when you have a little too much time, and a glass or two of wine.

Sometimes They Change

The last time I wrote, I was pretty down. I had just about given up all hope in terms of my relationship.

A friend was talking with me last week. We were discussion relationships, and she talked about issues that she had been having. Boy, when you think you have it bad, talk to someone else, and you'll see things in a completely different way! Well, she asked if the guy I was with would be willing to listen and understand, and, possibly, make changes. I didn't think so.

Apparently, I was wrong. I talked to him, and told him about some of the big things that were bothering me with our relationship. Within a day, things had turned around 180 degrees. He took what I said to heart, and willingly (as opposed to grudgingly) made changes. And it wasn't for just one day. He's been at it, and been more aware of what the issue was, and continues to take steps to make things better. Which, of course, opens the door for me to reciprocate.

And I have. Just when things can sometimes seem their worst, a little unexpected change can make a big difference!

Winning the Battle, but...

Things don't look too good right now. Well, I guess that depends on what side you're one. I remember in my last relationship, I learned about the battle that the celebration of Cinco de Mayo was based on. In America, we think that was when Mexico won its freedom. Not so. It was actually a major battle that was won. However, because of the expenditure of men and resources, the battle was won, but it cost the war.

Sometimes, being right is most important. I understand that. I understand that right now, my boyfriend needs to be right. What hurts so much is that his need to be right negates my need to be understood. I don't care if he is right or wrong. I need to be understood; to be important to him.

I remember when my mother talked to me about the men she dated after my dad died. She told me there was one man who was very nice, and very sweet but, as she said just "didn't get it." I didn't understand what she meant.

I mean, if someone is nice to you, isn't that enough. Now I know. Now I realize I could be anyone in his life. Someone else could come along with similar qualifications as me, and that would be fine with him.

I don't want to be a replaceable part. I want to be the one. I want to be important to one person, and if that person is not someone else, then that person is me.

Staying Out of the Way

Okay, my issue of the day (week, month...) How do you tell someone who is being impossible to deal with that he is, well, impossible to deal with and not get mangled in the process? I can understand how the men in my life have had trouble dealing with me at certain "times" in the past, but those only lasted one to three days, generally. This has been going on non-stop for almost three months, and it just keeps getting worse. And the more I try to help, the worse it seems to get.

So I stop trying to help, and get out of the way, and I get snarked at for not wanting to be with him. I know that he is under pressure with the job, and the house, and I tried to tell him that I understood, but somehow the discussion got way off base, and he made some unflattering remarks about someone I work with, and that set me off.

And, so, I've decided to take another evening off, stay out of the way, and take care of myself. Maybe that's all I can do.

Spring Fever

Outside my window, I can hear the tractor/lawnmower going. Already, they've needed to cut the grass several times since that warm burst of weather back in March.

I love the warm weather and the fact that the days are getting longer. I look forward to getting out more, and cooking outside and maybe, even (I am hoping!) getting a bike and riding to town on Saturday mornings for the farmer's market.

But, right now, I have absolutely no motivation. I don't know what has gotten into me, but I have been less than motivated at work and at home. Not tired, not depressed - just not motivated. I have a dishwasher in the other room that needs emptying, and I pick away at it slowly - eventually it will be done, and I'll have a clean kitchen again. I have clothes that need to be washed and assignments that need to be graded. I have a chapter to complete, and an article to write, and more research to be done.

I know I need to do those things. But right now, I just want to relax and enjoy the sun.

Only the Name has Changed

Several months ago, I changed my name back to my maiden name: Hoefler. In the process of making the change, I had to change everything - drivers license, bank stuff, work papers. Even my email has changed, which means that my account here at Gmail changed. Which means I don't go back to my old account very much. Which is why I haven't posted that much in the past couple of months.

I'm the same person - I haven't changed that much in 4 months. Oh, I've gotten a little slimmer (I'll talk about that more in another post). But still the same person - struggling with the usual life issues, and trying to do my best.

Time Passages

Well, I'm not the kind to live in the past

The years run too short and the days too fast

The things you lean on

Are the things that don't last

Well, it's just now

And then my line gets cast into these

Time passages.

Certain songs can bring you right back to a specific time and place in your life. This song, "Time Passages", was my senior year in college. It was actually grey, and gloomy, and I remember driving through slush-filled streets in the college town where I was lived, when this song came on the air. 

It seemed so appropriate for that point in my life; the pervasive feeling of greyness, gloominess, mixed with a sense of some unknown change on the horizon, while still holding on to an attachment to the past. I was unhappy, but didn't know why. I had no idea that I preparing myself on some level to put the past behind me and move on to a new future, something I feel as if I have continued to do all my life

Taking Down the Tree

I have been pretty good this year at taking down the Christmas tree(s) within a reasonable time period. I have been known, in the past, to keep my tree up until the middle of January, but this year I plan to get them down and in storage by the end of today.

I had two trees this year - one small and one large. The small one was easy; just a few decorations, some garland and the lights, then the whole tree was put into a plastic bin.

The larger tree required more time and effort. I needed to pack the regular ornaments in their boxes, then carefully wrap all the various ornaments (many of them gifts from my guy) and put them in a box - which I then put into another box, just to be safe.

The garland for this tree was a bit more tricky, and I made sure to take it down with care. It has sentimental value for me, as it was the first garland I picked out myself. I know this sounds a bit silly, but it's true. My parents had their own tree, ornaments and garland, chosen before I was born.

My first husband determined how our tree was supposed to look, and, while I believe I may have had some (very little) say in which ornaments we chose, the garland was completely his choice. My input was not requested.

So for my first tree, (which I put up in the first apartment I lived in after the separation), I personally chose a garland that was as unique as I am. It is a holly garland; a garland not often used, and one that I have not been able to find in recent years.

The garland has seen better days. There are now many bare areas on the garland, where age and use has stripped it of it's shiny plastic holly leaves and berries.

And while I supplemented this bare and scraggly decoration with another garland of gold stars, I'm not ready just yet to throw it out. Not yet. As for next Christmas - well, we'll see.