Wish I had a River...

I've been through worse Christmases. I know I've described some of them here: ones where I stayed in bed all day because I didn't want to deal with the fact that my son was at his father's, ones where I was tired of being away from my family, ones that I tried to remind myself that it's just another day.

This past Christmas wasn't all that bad. I enjoyed my son's company and conversation, and made a great dinner. I received some very nice gifts, and Mother Nature gave us some Christmas snow (just enough to make it pretty, and not too hazardous to drive.)

But I still spent most of the day fighting this feeling of heaviness, of a deep sadness. I think many of us had been saddened by the events that happened in December; the unnecessary deaths of so many children, teachers, then firefighters.

The firefighters were killed only several short miles from where I live. The morning it happened, before I had even heard about it, I was at Wegmans, getting everything for my Christmas Eve and Christmas day dinners. Everyone there was in the holiday spirit. One woman (not from the store) handed out candy canes. The cashiers happily invited us into their lanes.People helped other people find their cars. No one seemed aware that several miles away, a madman had decided to ambush and kill a few decent men who were trying to do what they do best - help other people. I didn't find out about it until after I got home and saw the story on the news.

This came right after the Newtown shootings, which came right after the Oregon mall shooting. It all got to me. The immense sadness carried by all the family and friends of the victims. And, worse, Christmas day, the news reports on our local television spoke of the letter on the Webster gunman that said he was looking forward to killing people, making the sadness hit even harder.

It's been a few days. Maybe since we've had a break from the killings, it seems a little easier to bear the pain. I don't want to lose faith in humanity. I've had more positive experiences with people than negative. Just sometimes, I wish I could...just run away.