Where I’m Supposed to Be

First off, let me just state that in spite of the general upbeat feeling of my posts, I don't like being where I am right now. Not all the time, at least. I strain against this whole notion of being where I am supposed to be.

I can say, though, that I almost feel as if there is an unseen force holding me in place, telling me to look, and look hard. To completely experience what I am experiencing and to fully understand it. When I am not fighting this sensation, I do understand, really. Or at least I think I do. I am a writer. Writers need to go through experiences to be able to document them through their writing, whether it's through a novel, a poem or a script. I can't imagine fully how my characters feel if I don't feel that way myself. Yes, imagination should be the driving force behind most creative writing, but nothing brings truth to a piece like good, old-fashioned experience.

So, okay, I get it. I am supposed to hit this hard financial rock bottom place so I can create characters who have experienced the same, have known what it is like to live without. I think or wonder if maybe that's another part of this whole epiphany thing (and let me must say that these life-changing awakenings would be a lot better to understand if they came with a manual, instead of leaving those of us who go through them to feel like they are foundering in the dark.) I am here, living this life, so I can understand others who are doing the same – others who I may write about, or possibly others who I may work with at some point in the future. This is my life path, I guess.

I just wish, sometimes, that my life path was understanding how millionaires live.

Changing Seasons

When I started writing this blog/journal, it was July and hot. I remember sweltering in the heat as I waited for the bus each day. I felt we were lucky when the bus would actually make it all the way without breaking down because of the heat.

Now it is winter and bitter cold. We've had snow all weekend – the whole landscape has been covered with at least a foot of snow. I spent a good part of this weekend cleaning off the driveway and trying to just stay warm!

Amazing how things change in the course of a few months. In the summer, I thought I would never cool down enough to be comfortable. In the summer, I had no idea how I would pay my bills, take care of my house, take care of everything. In the summer I wondered if I would ever be happy again.

And now here I am, almost six months later, half a year away. Yes, I am freezing my tush off, but I have heat, I have wood for the stove. I am learning each day how to keep up with my bill payments, how to try to keep my head above water. And in spite of all this, all these things that would have gotten me down in the past, I am happy, happier than I have ever been in my life. I am happy with someone – much happier than I was before I started this journal. I am where I am supposed to be.

An Epiphany

I had what one of my former bosses would call an epiphany this morning. Now anyone who hasn't had one, let me tell you that, yes, it does actually seem like it is coming to you from the skies (the way they always show it in the movies) although there is no angelic music accompanying it (at least not with mine).

Let me explain. I had been mulling around in my mind some events that have been happening and/or I have been working on. First and foremost in my mind is my Manifesto for class which I need to turn in very, very soon. My manifesto is based on giving power to the powerless by teaching them to use their creative/writing talents to give a voice to their stories. I have also been working on my health care play which actually does the same thing (gives voice to the stories of those who need health care). And in doing so, I have been talking to a lot of people. Recently, I have been getting very good feedback and interest in my project, and I know when I keep hearing the same thing, it means something. So I sat and thought about it, and the epiphany came to me. I need to write a grant proposal and I need to start it soon.

Why is this so important? Right now, there is a great deal of interest in health care, helping others, etc. due to the new presidential administration (coming in January). This is finally the time to work with governmental resources to find ways to reach out and help others. And this is what I want to do. It all fits together perfectly – I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner!

So, I know what I will be doing in the next coming months and I have a better idea of what I will or at least should be doing with my degree. I finally have clarity!

A Rock and A Hard Place

It's the holiday season again, and, as always, money is tight. This season it's tighter than usual, because things haven't turned quite around yet (plus, having the car die – well, that didn't exactly help.) Normally seeing those commercials for the season with all the happy families, presents, etc. would make me depressed. But this season I've just decided to ignore those, and focus on finding some way to pay my bills. If I can keep the house, and pay the electric and put food on the table – well, then I'm happy. Spending time with those two people who mean the most to me – my son and my "significant other" – is my Christmas present to myself.

That doesn't mean I don't stop worry about the money, though, try as I may. I've decided I will need to sell not only the old wedding ring, but the old engagement ring in order to pay the bills and have enough to get me into January. I don't know why selling the engagement ring is so hard for me. If it were a car, I'd sell it in a minute. Hell, if I could sell the house I'd do it and be done with all this crap. But I've been holding on to that stupid ring for, I don't know, sentimental reasons, I guess. I really don't know why. I think I keep remembering how much he sacrificed to pay for that ring; how he ate soup and macaroni and cut all his expenses just so he could buy it.

But, as hard as it is, I have to remember that part of my life is dead and gone. If he were really still concerned about me or the ring, he'd contact me (and I haven't heard from him in over a month now.

So I wonder - maybe this is a test. Selling the ring will put the past to rest and help me move on. One good sign – I've stopped crying when I think about having to sell it. That's probably a good thing. I'll just take it in tomorrow and see how it goes.

Sitting Still

I think I've already mentioned the butter melting metaphor (i.e., butter not melting fast enough as a metaphor for my impatience with things not going "well" in my life). I'm in that place again. I know it, and I guess, at least, it's a good thing that I am realizing it now.

The worst part of this, being in this place that I don't like, isn't being there. It's that I am counting the days until I get out of this place, rather than accepting where I am and trying to learn something from the situation. Yeah, it's not fun, but I know (and I am realizing more and more) that I am a very ingenious person. And I know that things are not all bad. For example, in the space of one month, I have had two invitations to be part of conferences in my area (one happening this March and the other next fall). That's a big thing for someone who hasn't even graduated yet. When I am in a good place, I look at those invitations and realize where I am heading, what an adventure I am starting. Could this have happened if I hadn't made the sacrifice to go back to school? Doubtful, very doubtful.

These are the doors that open up, sometimes when we don't realize they are opening up. I can sit here and feel sorry for myself all I want. Or I can sit very still and watch my life unfold in a way that I could never have planned myself or imagined.

Rock in the Road or Stepping Stone?

One of my friends from college posted an inspirational message on his Facebook page. It's about not giving up when life seems impossible, and realizing what seems like a hardship is actually an opportunity. The line that sticks out for me is that a rock in the road of life may actually be a stepping stone.

I've been going through some difficult times – witness my other posts and the video from Call to Action that I just put up on this blog (ain't technology great!) And I've been caught up in worry and fear because of all this…stuff. But I've also had a great deal of opportunities come my way recently; possibilities that I probably wouldn't have if I hadn't made sacrifices and gone back to school. Even though I'm driving a crappy car right now and I'm dodging creditors, I know, because of these opportunities, my future will be much brighter.

And these hardships, these rocks so to speak? These are learning experiences; these are inspiration for my writing. These are the stepping stones for my career.