Getting My Point Across

A good friend of mine, a mentor, told me that breaking in new relationships is difficult because we hold on to our old behaviors, hoping the new person in our life will immediately understand and react the way other people in our lives have reacted. She told me about the early days with her husband and what she referred to as the "pouting couch." When things weren't going his way, and he wasn't successful in getting his point across to her, he would go to the couch – the pouting couch. One day after they talked about this behavior, it became clear to her that he went and pouted because she wasn't behaving in the same way that his mother did when he was upset. Eventually, after talking, they reached a middle ground where she would listen to him, and, while not always giving him his way (as his mother had done), she would offer more understanding. And that was enough.

Sometimes it's tough to put into words what we want, because we expect the other person to know. Even my mother had a hard time with me – she felt I was too sensitive, and if I would get upset about something, she'd give the usual line that that's the way life is, and people have it tougher than you. Of course, this didn't make me feel better. It wasn't until I got a little older that she found that the secret was to hug me, tell me that, yeah, life sucks sometimes and it's just not fair, is it? And then she would make me laugh. Sometimes she would be way off in her assessment of some situation (like telling me that my ex left me because I was not longer able to support him financially), but even across the miles she could cheer me up and make me laugh. I know that she would like to fix all my problems, but both she and I knew that this just wasn't possible, so just listening and understanding and knowing what it feels like when everything seems to be hitting at once and the walls feel as if they are closing in on you was just enough. And making me laugh – that was the salve I needed the most.