Whew! I just wrote an e-mail to the ex (or is he just merely estranged right now? And how does Elizabeth Taylor keep track? I, mean, I'm just wondering). I said a lot of stuff that I have been holding inside me since he left (some of it since before he left). And I said it in the most honest, non-judgmental way I could, without trying to hurt him or hold back so that I hurt myself. And after writing it and reading it over and reworking some of it, I have to say – I feel pretty damned good! Wow!
I have been upset for the past week or so. I made the mistake (oops! There are no mistakes – my new mantra) well, okay, I wrote an e-mail to him because I thought I was ready to start a conversation. But every time he wrote back, even if it was just a short note, I felt all this stuff in me. I call it stuff, because it was as if I had all these feelings and emotions wadded tightly together and thrown back into the closet of my heart. And I couldn't really decipher what was what, where one part ended and the other began. So I wrote out a lot in another journal – everything that was confusing, everything that I felt I couldn't express here. All the angry parts, all the hurt, pained and painful parts, all the confusion. I wrote it all out.
And I think because I did this, I was finally able to write to him and put it out there in a way where I was expressing myself without ulterior motives. In other words, I was saying what I meant to say, but not using my words to hurt or to show him how I was feeling – I was just feeling.
And I have to say that right now, I feel a lot better!
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