Sometimes Life Sucks;Sometimes it Doesn't

My niece wrote on Facebook that this was a horrible day. I considered writing the following to her:

Sometimes, life sucks. Yes, it sucks royally. Things don't go as planned. You had expected to have a picnic, but were met with a raging storm instead. People who you thought you could count on, disappear. Husbands leave with no more than a note on the pillow.

Sometimes it is a beautiful summer day, and you are waiting to go to the beach, as planned. Only your mother answers the phone and as you look at the patterns the sun is making on the carpet, you hear her say something about going to the hospital, and suddenly, you and your younger brother are spending weeks of time at the house of a friend of the family,while your parents deal with your sister's accident.

And sometimes you are watching the news and realize the person they are talking about, the person killed in a freak accident, was your partner in the school production of "Hello, Dolly."

And sometimes you get a call at work to let you know that your father passed away, and you need to make plans to go out west for his funeral, and yet still hold yourself together for your work day.

Yes, all this sometimes happens. But I also wanted to let her know that sometimes you are on your friend's porch, drinking wine and appreciating the warmth of the sun. And sometimes you are on the harbor of your city's yacht club, appreciating the jokes that one of your high school friends is making. And sometimes you are sitting at your sister's house, watching the grand nieces and nephews play and enjoying the conversation with family members. And sometimes those family members are appreciating the day, as their doctors have told them their days are numbered.

This is life It is,unfortunately, sometimes horrible, and it is, sometimes wonderful beyond belief. One can't appreciate the wonder without accepting the worst.

Fate, Revisited

I look down at my little,scruffy, rescue dog.  He is stretched across the length of more than half the couch. His head is resting against the pillow at the end; his feet tap against my legs as he reaches his REM level of sleep.

I think of where he was three months ago; in a rescue facility, sleeping in a dog run, possibly against the hard, cold slab of concrete. I ask him "Do you realize how much your life has changed? Do you appreciate the change?"

I wonder the same about men I meet. I am a very caring person, but don't like to be taken advantage of. When they are here, I try my best to take care of them, but wonder if they even appreciate the attention. Do they know or care?

I don't ask for a lot.Just someone who can appreciate me as much as I am willing to appreciate them. Is that possible? Or are they all too superficial and self-absorbed to appreciate the attention?

Trying to Trust my Gut

I knew, somewhere inside me I just knew that this guy (the one I described yesterday as an asshole) was, indeed an asshole. I discovered today that, although he made me feel special, made me feel as if he was interested in me alone, that he was, actually, seriously involved with someone else. How do you do this? I can't even fathom how one does this. And I want to comment, to say something back to him, but I won't touch that part inside me that is filled with pain and rage. And I won't give him the perverse pleasure of knowing that he has hurt me in this way.

Why am I so vested in him, I wonder? I have several wonderful mean, mostly younger than me, and attractive, who have expressed an interest in me (God only knows why.) I am not just talking just about men I have talked to online,because, let's face it, until you meet you don't know what you are getting! No, there have been men who I have met in person, too, who have pulled me aside at singles events, expressed an interest in being with me.

And, so, this is where I will focus my interest.Some years back I threw all my attention to one man who had no interest in me, while other, nicer men clambered over each other to gain my attention. I was an idiot; I ignored them and wasted my time on someone who would only cause me heartache.

I hope age has made me smarter. I am turning away from the pain, and turning towards the warmth of these individuals. Who knows? Perhaps I will finally discover happiness!

Be Open to the Possible Wonderful Surprise

I wanted to write and say "you asshole!" Not to the one who had politely let me know he met someone else. Not him. That was a shoe that I was waiting to drop for weeks. I knew there was no interest on his part, and he was just being polite.  And I have to say that waiting for him to say something taught me (or is teaching me) to be patient.

Well, I am trying to be patient, and I will admit that the last (somewhat) relationship came at a time when I needed a respite. And maybe I was pushing it when I started communicating with the next person. But (there's that word I am trying to avoid - but. Because I know everything after that word is bullshit.) But, but, but...damn. I really liked talking with that person. It wasn't for long, but I knew that this is what I want.

I knew that if this didn't last (and, now, it looks as if I am in that position, meaning that it is not lasting), that what we had in our way of communicating for those few short days was what I want in a long term relationship. Sort of like that piece of clothing they give to bloodhounds, this was waved in front of my nose -"here, look for this."

And I expected to not have to look, but to have it here, right here, in this person. Maybe it will happen, although it has been several days since he has been back in touch, and experience has taught me that he probably won't be back

So, yeah, he is the one I wanted to write"asshole"to. But in the interim, someone has contacted me.Someone I would not originally consider (he's moving here from elsewhere; I originally considered him a scammer.) But, but, but...being open and honest, I had to look at this in a different light, and wonder if, maybe,this was a lesson for me to be more open? I'm not saying that he is "the one" but..?

After all, isn't my favorite quote "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans?"