Forget About It!

I have mentioned before that the person from my last serious relationship was obsessive, but sometimes I think I have him beat in that area. Well, his obsessiveness would be about certain things or routines that needed to be done in a certain way, at a certain time.

For me, it is obsessing about people, and why they act the way they do. Take, for example, this last person who I have been talking about. While he caught me attention for a short while, overall I really never had a serious interest in him. I am betting if we ever had met, I still would have lost interest quickly. But I obsess over why he disappeared. My thoughts go from the worst case (he was trying to get information from me which I didn't give so he dropped me) to, well, not the best case, but the benign (he changed his mind.)

I am inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt and go with the second one. After all, he and I talked at length over several days and had some good conversations. He revealed personal facts about himself, and seemed very friendly, but not too smooth (as in, this wasn't an act.) What I have come to believe is that he was socially awkward, and just didn't know how to follow through.

All of this is actually helpful for me to take in and process. The old me would think there was something wrong with me and would feel the need to pursue this further. The new me looks at this and thinks "socially awkward doesn't make a person bad, but it just isn't what I am interested in."

So this has been another learning experience, and has been helpful for me. I now know what I want, and I think I am getting closer to it. But I also now know better who I am, and getting to know myself and improve myself is the most important lesson.

Grow Up

I decided to take a second chance on someone, as I realized that perhaps I was judging him too harshly. Maybe I was. But I realized that the problem was not him; it was not me. It was the age difference.

I knew I should have trusted my gut instinct and walked away right from the start, but it seemed we had so much in common and, maybe this could work? I discovered, though, right away that the biggest issue with men who are much younger than women is that women start off ahead in the race in terms of emotional maturity, and, generally, they stay ahead in that race.

And, so, at my age, I have little patience with the games that seem to be so much a part of being in this younger age group. For example, I no longer want to play "Guess what I am mad about?" or "Guess why I am not speaking to you?"

Age brings experiences that someone younger cannot comprehend, And those of us who are older (and emotionally mature) know that there are others we can meet who don't play games. And those others generally come into our lives at those points when the game-players are still playing their games,still pouting, still feeling that all the fault falls on us, and, eventually, we will come around and understand that. Because, after all, they are younger, and isn't that all that women my age would be interested in?

Falling Down and Getting Back Up

"We fall down, but we get up...
for a saint is just a sinner who fell down, and got up"

Donnie McClurkin


Wednesday, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that my choir would be singing this Sunday. My choir director, who has a wonderful, white soul sound to his voice, sang We Fall Down several weeks ago, and now he was giving us a chance to join him.

It couldn't have come at a better time for me. I was feeling bad about myself, having allowed myself to get caught up in another bad, unhealthy relationship. I felt I really fell down, and felt down about myself.

But the song uplifted me; it made me feel that everything was okay, and that I was okay. It gave me perspective, and allowed me to see what happened was something put there for me to learn from, and suddenly, I was grateful. I was grateful for the lesson, and for the enlightenment to see how all of these things were put in my life.

We might all fall down, but when we get back up, we can see the light.

When Your Heart is a Clenched Fist

I have such a hard time trusting. It is my lesson for right now, I know. I realize that I keep myself closed, shut off, my heart a clenched fist, because I don't trust. Because I fear...because I fear the pain that comes with trusting.

Letting go and letting things happen is so hard. I know it doesn't have to be, but when you want to control everything and make sure things go your way (which we all know, isn't possible), you will get smacked with reality. The problem is, I try to let go, and I try to trust, but maybe I invest too much of my trust in one place.

But maybe I should, and just learn from the lesson. Maybe I need to learn who to trust, and maybe, after all these lessons, I finally will learn. It would be nice to find someone who can loosen that tight fist.