This is Getting Goofy Now

Just a short post, but I am beginning to laugh at the goofiness of my situation. I told you before that there are two men interested in me (and neither is 100% certain and/or serious, and I am actually fine with that.) But it seems one writes one day...and the other disappears. The other writes the next day...and the first one is nowhere to be found (by phone or email.) I will get together again someday with the first...I hope to meet the second soon for coffee.

In the meantime, I am laughing at God's sense of humor.

What the Universe is Telling Me

I look at the subject line of the last message and sigh. My shoulders slump down as I realize there are no new messages. It has only been a day since this message came in, and I only wrote back this morning. But I am not patient. What am I supposed to be learning? Patience.

My lack of patience sort of ties into this particular message. It was not sent by the person I met a few weeks ago, someone I have met and have started a tentative, albeit complicated relationship. I wouldn't even be looking to talk to someone else if it weren't for the complications of this relationship and the fact that he told me - no, he insisted - I keep looking because, as he said, an "attractive woman like me should not be wasting my time at home, waiting for his situation to change." (BTW - no, he's not married, but is at home with his estranged wife. This economy creates all sorts of "complicated" situations.)

So, I looked, and tried to start a conversation. But no one else interested me. Until, of course, I was, once again, ready to give up. And, just like that, I received a message from someone who, like me, was planning on moving out of the area, and was looking for more of a friendship to pass the time. So, I thought, "why not" and responded

And I didn't expect us to really hit it off. But we've been exchanging some in-depth messages. And, once again, I am finding myself getting impatient, waiting for the next one, but also trying to hang onto the first guy. I don't remember the last time I've been in a situation like this (if ever!)

There seems to be a common theme here - I think the universe is trying to tell me a few things:

1. Don't turn down a person, even if, at first glance he might not seem to be "the right one". There is no perfect guy.
2. There are, however, nice, decent guys who are worth every second you spend conversing with them.
3. Enjoy a relationship for as long as it lasts, even if it's only a day.
4. Wait and be patient; magical things happen when you do.
5. Oh, and one more thing - judging from the talents of these two guys, I think the person I will end up with eventually will be smart, have a degree, be technically savvy, but musically talented. And play guitar.

Trying to Remember: Things Happen When They Happen

I have a very bad habit of trying to control outcomes. There must be this part of me that thinks I know how things should turn out, and if I control the outcomes myself rather than leaving them up to the universe, they'll come out much better. And time and again, I am stuck with the consequences of trying to manipulate things, and I end up unhappy with the results.

I hope I have learned not to do this. I realized the other day that I wanted something to go a certain way, and was sad when it wasn't going the way I wanted it. I am so glad I stopped short and talked some sense into myself. Yes, I talk to myself. Usually, I don't talk sense. But this time, I took into account all the lessons I had learned from the past. And I said to myself "Wait. Just wait and see how this plays out. If it is meant to happen, it will. If it's not, you'll only make yourself miserable trying to make it happen."

So, I am waiting. And I am getting myself involved in those things that need my attention right here and now: my son, my pets, my job, my cleaning and organizing, etc.And I am enjoying what I have right now, and where I am. I don't know where I'm going. I'm not going to worry about that. I'm just going to focus on my now and let the future take care of itself.

Laughter When You Least Expect It

I was having a rough night last night. It was a weird day to begin with. Because of some events that had happened, I was upset with men in general, about how they are confused about what they want in terms of women and/or how they want to be treated.

So I had my ugly cry and got over it. And then something remarkable happened. The phone rang, and I thought it was the guy I was currently seeing, so I  answered it (even though the number came up as "restricted" - the kind of calls I generally don't answer. ) But it wasn't him - it was my ex-husband (my first husband, my son's father.) He was apologetic about calling my number instead of my son's then got into how he has the number written down on a piece of paper and the end of the paper is curled over so it looks like another number. And then something close to miraculous happened. We laughed. We both laughed. We haven't laughed in years, but we did.

It was just a moment, but it was a much needed moment. Well, it was a much needed for me. It was a moment of laughter - and it was great.

Trust and Abandonment Issues

Let me get this out right at the outset - I have trust and abandonment issues, and boy, do they suck! They have this way of showing up at the worst times, and messing with my head. One example I can give would be a situation I am currently dealing with. I started to see someone who is really nice, and who has promised to be honest, and is aware of the issues I've had in the past.

When we are together, things are great. But when we're not together, the issues creep into my head and start whispering things, making me anxious and worried and distrustful. Tonight is a good example. I got home from a fantastic weekend with friends. I had told this guy I would be away, and he was happy for me and hoped that my weekend would go well. As soon as I got back, I wrote him and told him about the weekend. I didn't hear back from him immediately, and started to get concerned. The "issue voices" were saying "he's really not interested in you; he was just saying that to be nice. Don't expect to hear from him again - you know how that goes. Why do you keep expecting anything different?"

Well, of course he won't write right away, and part of me knew that, but part of me needed reassurance. So I checked on something and realized he hasn't been able to read my message, because the last time he was online at the site where we met was several days ago - the last time I wrote him and told him I wrote. He had told me he was hadn't been able to read my messages because he was busy (and I am not surprised - he has a lot going on in his life right now.) But, I guessed, he went back to read what I had written after I mentioned it.So, why don't I call him? The only number that I have right now is his work number (which he has given to me.), and it is Sunday night. Plus, his personal number is marked private on my phone and I respect that (I could see myself doing the same.)

It may seem convoluted, but right now, knowing what I know from our conversations, it makes perfect sense. And it tames the crazy fears that I have. Oh, how I wish I could be done with them once and for all!