Staying Open and Aware

Strange things have been happening in my life over the past week, and I am taking everything in and thinking about it. I have now made connections to several people, and, while the new connection has been exciting (isn't everything shiny and new that more exciting?), the old, slower one seems more...me.

I don't know where either of these is going. I have a feeling the new, shiny one will disappear as quickly as he appeared, and, although I will probably always wonder what might have been, I can't help thinking that this is not a right fit for me. Too much excitement for me.I am beginning to think I prefer the other that doesn't come with the all the bells and whistles, but seems to show up just when I need him to.

And that's the weirdest thing. When the new, shiny one appeared, the other disappeared for a while. Unusual, because he had been there, pretty steadily, no matter how much (or how little) I tried to connect. But for no apparent reason, he was just seemed to disappear. And yet, when the new, shiny one started to disappoint, the old, steadfast one reappeared, just when I needed him, with things to cheer me up. This was not planned; no expectations were conveyed or expressed. It just happened.

So, then. Hmmmm....perhaps I should be open to what this could potentially mean for me and about me. And, maybe, about how I should be living my life.

Give So Much More Than I Get

I know me, and I know that if I were in a relationship, I would definitely give more than most people would expect. But I have been in enough relationships to learn how not to be a doormat. So, yes, I will give. I only ask for a few things in return:

1. I want someone who will say my name. One of my boyfriends spoke it as if it were poetry, and it truly was. That was a level of respect I was not afforded in my first marriage where I was referred to as "you" (as in, "can you come here?") No name, no pet name. Just "you" - the absolute level of disrespect. And I'm betting he still wonders why I left.
2. Honesty. I just want as much honesty as possible. I understand there are little white lies in every relationship; I can live with that. I can't live with not knowing if my spouse left me for the stripper he kept talking about. Yeah, that will do a number on your ego.
3. Saying what you mean. I guess that goes along with being honest. If you're not happy, tell me you're not happy - I would rather not be with someone who's not happy. I think one of the most aggravating things about my last relationship was that I tried to break up several times, but he kept convincing me to stay. Then he broke up with me - because he was unhappy. Huh? Maybe this was more of an ego issue than being honest, but I still wonder about that.
4. Being open-minded. Okay, I have accepted a lot from the men who I have loved (yes, loved - I can honestly say I loved them). I realized what sickens me is this narrow-minded way of thinking that I realized so many of them had. I don't see life that way - I don't know if I will ever find anyone who sees things the way I do. I'm not naive. I just don't judge people by their financial situation, size, race, religious beliefs, sexual preferences, etc. I judge them on whether or not they are an asshole. And even there, I believe Karma is the final decider (as in, out of my hands).
5. Oh, and I should say a sense of humor is important to me. So, so important to me. That is definitely a dealbreaker.

So, I think that's it. This is something I can go back to, especially when I am beginning to believe I might be in love with a narrow-minded, dishonest, racist, disrespectful jerk.

Gratitude

I get so caught up in all the stuff of my life that I allow (and, yes, I will admit, I willingly allow it) to keep me down, that I forget to notice all the things I can be grateful for. Yesterday I gave a presentation, and, afterwards, obsessed about the negativity of a few people, that I almost missed all I could be grateful for.

For example, I got my car - it's all set and I own it! I can now drive to work, the store, anywhere. I don't need to scramble for a ride - I got it!

I got the car registered in under an hour, with DMV clerks who were actually pleasant, and got to enjoy the company of the former car owner who graciously drove me to the DMV to help me out.

And, at the end of the day, I had gratitude expressed to me by one of my students who not only enjoyed my class, but was most appreciative of his grade (one that he very much deserved!)

I think that's a sign to me that its about time I start spreading my own gratitude out to people in my life. Who knows - it might spread out so far, that it could catch up with those negative Nellies who set me off in the first place!

Pushed to the Point

I remember this feeling. It is the same way I felt, two months before I graduated from my MFA program. The feeling that I can't make it, that I can't take it anymore, that I just wanted to quit.

Yes, I remember how it felt and now know that it was worth pushing through and getting that degree. At the time, though, I thought I'd go crazy. Back then, I felt alone and scared and frustrated. Nobody seemed to understand what I was going through.

And here I am, again, frustrated and feeling alone. And like before, I'm not really alone - just not fully aware of all the support I have out there. I need to remember which people are my actual supporters, and which ones are rainy day ones - there as long as I am fine, as long as they don't have to listen to me whine and complain. That seems to be my life lesson - be aware of who is real, and who pretends to be.

The Fallow Fields

I feel as if I have been going through a time of unproductiveness over the past two months. Much of this feeling comes from the fact that I have been without a car, and my finances, which had dipped pretty low, are just now turning around. It has been frustrating for me, to say the least. But I can understand now, as I sense that I am rounding the bend on this period, that this has been a time to regroup and rethink, to prepare myself once again for new growth.

I haven't been completely unproductive. I have actually been learning a great deal. I have learned how to teach two classes simultaneously while working a 40 hour job (not an easy feat!) I have learned to budget a bit better, to let go of those wants while I take care of the more important needs. And I have learned the value of friendship in a relationship.

What is most important about that last item, is that I started to finally feel comfortable in the friendly conversation, the give and take, the jokes, the stories of good days and difficult ones - all this over the physicality that generally propelled the relationships I had been a part of in the past. Not knowing where this friendship was going, whether or not it would lead to something else, or just end, has been scary, but it is a necessary lesson for me. It is good that I have had this time to take it all in and learn. No matter what happens now, I know I've been though something I haven't experienced before, and I know it hasn't been unproductive at all. In fact, I think it is just the beginning of producing a better me.