I Don't Care

I don't care. Those are the words that I say in response to something that might hurt, but, since I don't want it to hurt, I put these words up as a protective coat of armor. It puts distance between me and the issue.

It is a learned behavior. I don't care that you have other obligations. I don't care that you won't/can't spoil me the way I spoil you. I don't care that you suddenly have other plans. I don't care. Seriously, I don't care.

I am a big girl, and I will get past whatever is thrown at me. I will do whatever I can to deal with the changes. You can't spend time with me? Fine, then I will go out and spoil myself; allowing myself to surrender completely to retail therapy.

Life changes; I understand that. As an independent woman, I do not rely on you for my happiness. I have found my own happiness before, and I will do it again. I will continue to do it.

Have fun - I will be out buying frou frou products for myself, and enjoying a glass of wine. I will be happy, looking after my own needs. Don't be thinking about me. I won't care.

Freak of Nature

I was watching a popular show, with a popular guest who is a star of many recent movies, and I realized how tiny she was. And, in comparison, how huge I was, in spite of my recent weight loss.

I know it is what the media is putting out there as what is normal, and I shouldn't be body shamed, but, for some reason, watching this, I was. I wanted to be that size 2 or whatever she is, when I am so many sizes above that. And I felt abnormal. A freak of nature. And it made me aware of how I was seen by those of the opposite sex. Too much; too large. An abnormal freak of nature.

Can I just be who I am and be accepted for that? Really? Why does society feel it must go by what it sees on media, and makes judgments on that?